Chill. I’m just here to teach my student. And I was so excited to get here I forgot to put my pants on.
Imma let you finish that last donut, Jill, but then I think you need to lay off the bus snacks. Dang.
#OhNoSheDin’t.
They say it’s a dry heat, but you know the minute I step outside Imma frizz up like a chia pet.
#ToldYouSo.
Imma let you finish, but Kendall K. had one of the BEST videos of all time. And her Mom’s hot.
Now I know my hair looks amazing and all, but this blog doesn’t even make sense anymore.
Kidding.
About the donut part, I mean.
My MomCrush Jill doesn’t need to lose any weight. She’s looking straight up fly these days, coming back from every commercial break with a new hairdo and climate-friendly LA ensemble in her confessionals. Despite the fact that the aerosol emissions from this show alone are probably eating a gigantic hole in the ozone, Mrs. Vertes still somehow manages to keep it on-trend every week.
It’s just that the picture was too good to pass up. I mean, c’mon.
Look at Holly all up in the back of Jill’s stuff like “How many Bump-Its you got on today, Woman?” Timing is everything in the butt-shot screen-cap world, people.
Just don’t get me started on Kanye, because I’m only allowed one big a** joke per week and I already used it at Jill’s expense.
But we love Jill. And Jill’s multiple Bump-Its. And Holly, of course. Mad love for Holly.
So y’all relax. I’m just here to make fun of everybody.
Which sets up a nice segue into this week’s episode of Dance Moms.
The Road to Nationals: Mentioned within the first 24 seconds. Jessalynn for the win.
All the Moms were back on the sidewalk outside 3rd St. Dance as the show started, wondering if Abby Lee Miller would even show up after last week’s (…self-imposed or maybe nah?…) Siberian exile. Jill was drinking from one of those mysterious iced coffee cups covered in black electrical tape and poking everyone in the eye with the straw because she talks with her hands too much. You ever notice that?
Jessalynn was incognito behind a giant pair of those blinged out sunglasses they always wear on Mob Wives until someone calls you a (bleepin’ bleep) and bitch slaps them off your face with a cocktail glass full of Grey Goose. Melissa‘s hair looked nice, but she was acting like she hadn’t had her first cup of Joe yet. Holly was selling tickets to her Michelle Obama gun show (…I swear Dr. Beyoncé must have a travel gym bag that came with those colored rubber tubes you tie around bathroom door knobs and a CD for bicep and tricep work. Pow Pow…) and Kira, as always, was on the cutting edge of social media.
R.I.P. Pyramid of Shame: Is that not a thing anymore?
Before they even entered the building, the Moms somehow knew they were headed to Phoenix this week for the Xpression Dance Competition.
Arizona. Kira and Kalani‘s home state. Which meant that Kira had called up Kalani’s old dance instructor and asked her to choreograph a solo for her former student and that I had Googled ‘Ditat Deus’ because that’s AZ’s state motto and I don’t even remember taking Latin in 7th grade even though my report card says I did.
Ditat Deus: It has something to do with how cost effective it is to fly an Arizona dance teacher all the way to California and then fly her right back to Arizona for a competition.
Through the magic of social media, Melissa and Kira also knew that the ALDC‘s dreaded arch nemesis Candy Apples would be at the competition in Phoenix. After flying all the Apple Kids and Apple Moms from Ohio to California to rehearse for some reason and then flying them all to Arizona for the competition and then flying them all back home to Ohio, that is. Because, you know…Ditat Deus.
I swear this show is a test. Just put down an answer. Don’t worry about how you got it.
Speaking of. Next thing you knew, we were at the International Dance Academy down the street somewhere, getting reacquainted with the Candy Apples Contingent.
Everyone except Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein, that is. The leader of the Evil Dance Lair was nowhere to be seen. Just like Abby, who we had not yet laid eyes on. So that’s 2 for 2 if you’re keeping score. And no explanation given on this disappearance, either.
But have no fear. The CADC would not be wandering aimlessly, bumping into each other on stage, because in came Jeanette Cota to save the day!
Insert RyanLochteFace here: ________. Jeeeeahhhh!
Dat’s rite. You heard me. Ava‘s Mom, her crazy hair and even crazier shortest shorty shorts evah were in charge of the entire Candy Apples production this week!
(Spoiler Alert: Don’t get too attached to that shorty short title, honey.)
You remember Ava. She’s the pretty, pretty lengthy dancer that Abby tagged as a Praying Mantis. Which is totes mean, BTW, but not as mean as the hit that other girl with the big ears took that night in the back hallway.
Side note: That was a joke. We’ve already had this Who’sGotTheBiggestEars discussion a million times. So hate tweets, please. And keep your voice down around Chloe.
Because…you know.
Bonus Points to Chloe’s Mom, Liza, for that Power MallWalk she took down the hall when she was chasing after Abby that night. Remember that? That one still gives me Life. You go, girl. You go and check out the sale windows at Kohl’s. We’ll wait.
I’m going to assume that Jeanette got the fill-in job because she runs her own dance studio back in Michigan. Which means she probably flew all the way from Michigan to Ohio, found the CADC building empty, got back on a plane and flew to California to meet up with the Apple Moms. Which also means she’ll probably fly back to Ohio with them to help unpack all their (…Spoiler Alert #2…) Björk tutu dresses and then board yet another Delta 747 home to Michigan.
Racking up some serious Frequent Flier Ditat Deus miles along the way, of course.
This show. I swear.
And what’s the deal with all the frizzy hair at Candy Apples now? It can’t just be a coincidence. Is there a box to check off on the applications now?
You’ve got Jeanette on the days she doesn’t flat iron.
And Melanie, who still owes me for the soda she knocked over in a Boston foodcourt.
Back at the temporary ALDC studio, Abby finally showed up after a week’s hiatus. At least physically, anyway. Mentally, she kinda reminded me of myself when I get my drowsy and non-drowsy allergy pills mixed up on the weekends.
(Srsly. Is it really that difficult to make them in different colors, CVS?)
No Pyramid. No talk. No fun. Nothing. Just dance class. Just like the Moms had been asking for ever since Christi threw that Slushie in Leslie‘s face down in N’awlins.
Something ain’t right with that woman. And it’s not just fatigue from picking out Home Depot switch plate covers for the new ALDCLA.
And then Alexa Moffett showed up! Kalani’s old dance teacher arrived to snap her former student out of her dance funk and to also snatch that shortest shorty shorts EVAH trophy right out of Jeanette’s sweaty hands.
Srsly. Did you see those things? Or…could you even? I’m going to assume Alexa didn’t drive to the studio, because there was no way she could fit keys in there.
But we really liked Alexa. First when she was out back talking to Kira, figuring out a plan of attack. And then even more so when she finally got up the nerve to fix her wedgie and go face-to-face with Abby in the studio. Before she even spoke her first word, Alexa had already been on screen longer than Tessandra Chavez had last week. That was a plus.
You might remember Alexa from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition. Or a billion other things, including her OVER ALL win for Disney’s SHAKE IT UP competition, where she and her peeps beat out 60,000 other entries for I dunno know what. But she won.
And she’s really cute, even though she slouches more than I thought a dance teacher was supposed to slouch. But that could just be me after seeing too many Boston Ballet students waiting for the subway in 4th position. Who knows.
Alexa also has that sorority girl kind of hair that you comb through with one hand over the top of your head while you’re holding your iPhone and a Starbucks with the other and somehow the part magically changes sides. And you know exactly what I’m talking about.
Note to Chloe Smith: The song on Alexa’s website really blasts when the screen first loads. It’s Star Wars music or something. So be careful. Because…you know. Ears.
After a few seconds of gratuitous chit chat, Abby finally looked up from her phone. Alexa looked at Abby. Abby said “So what’s your story?”
And then Alexa said “I’m just here to teach my student.”
And the gravitational pull of the Earth momentarily shifted.
Holly and her #EmptyChair were all like…
Jill was all like…
And then she was all like…
Somehow, through the magic of shorty shorts, Alexa swiped control of Kalani’s solo right out from under Abby and Gianna. No contract. No arguments. No pants. No nothing.
No idea how it happened, either. But she did it.
Side note: The girls from both teams actually did some rehearsal dancing in and around all this hilarity, but it paled in comparison to the drama. So just trust me on this one, because we’re already going OT on the recap.
Finally, it was Showtime! In beautiful hot, humid, gross Phoenix, AZ.
Backstage, Gianna and Abby were still eerily silent as they sat and watched Alexa (…who had traded in her shorty shorts for a more formal dress with no front and no back…) run Kalani through her no-acro solo. Our girl was getting her mojo back. You could just tell.
On stage, Ava nailed her crazy leg ‘Praying Mantis’ routine. Followed by Kalani, who definitely got her money’s worth during ‘The Investment.’ Not gonna lie. Both girls know their shizz.
As everyone prepped for the group routines back in the dressing room, Gianna and Abby started doing Dance Math again. Five minutes before curtain call.
I swear these girls will be 42 years old and still somehow performing in that damn Junior category. I don’t know how Abby does it, but clearly she’s no better at counting birthday candles than she is at measuring carpet squares and getting her freakin’ ALDCLA studio open before 2017.
Needless to say, Kira and Kalani flipped out. Maybe Kira a little more than Kalani. But enough was enough for both of them.
After reliving their last epic meltdown, thankfully sparing us another shot of Abby in her Lane Bryant undergarments…
…Kira was done. You could just tell.
But not until the group routines were performed. At least according to the version they showed on my TV. The Twitter version says the opposite. Leave me out of it.
The CADC girls danced their ‘Famous Infamous’ routine in tutus that I really thought had carrots sewn into the halters straps for the first 32 counts, until I realized they were supposed to be swans.
Like this.
But actually more like this.
Ava scored 4th and Kalani took First Place like a rockstaaah. Alexa got all ToldYouSo.
And then it all got bad. Really bad.
From this point on, I don’t really know what happened. Everyone has a different version on how it all went down. Before the awards. After the awards. During the awards. On the bus. Off the bus. Under the bus.
All that really matters is Kira and Kalani quit at some point.
And that’s not cool. At all.
Everyone started screaming and crying and quitting and threatening to quit and un-quitting and re-quitting until my palms were so sweaty I couldn’t grip my own shorty short trophy from high school. Yes, I have one. And I earned it, thank you very much.
And then Kalani cried and it was all over.
Our girl was gone.
For good this time. I think.
As they walked off into the sunset (…was Alexa’s dress on backwards?…) everyone was bawling and trying to figure out what had just happened.
If you’re really gone, we miss you already.
Muah.
