Dance Moms: It’s My Welcome Home Party And I’ll Charleston If I Want To. That’s Right, ALDC…Maddie’s Back!

I thought they’d all be hanging from the chandelier when I got back. Or at least that crazy new Mom.

It’s Bubble Bath Time, ladies! First Mom to scrub my back scores their kid a fresh new solo.

Girl, pleez. You think I’m going anywhere near water with this new hair? She can Charleston all day.

#SLAY.

And no more boys for you…unless their Dad is hot. And then you still have my number, right?

I must need another new battery in this damn hearing aid, cuz I swear she just complimented Nia.

Yo. Anyone know if those Minis are ever coming back? Cuz I’m totally calling all those juice boxes.

Relax.

I know Jessalynn doesn’t wear a hearing aid.  It was a joke.

Really.  It was.  So let’s not start off on the wrong foot, because there is way more important Dance Moms shizz to worry about this week than why Miracle Ear products are always getting slammed online for short battery life.

Like the return of Maddie Ziegler, for instance.  Because she’s baaaaaack!

I know, right?  Everyone got a little emotional.

After being MIA long enough to remake the entire original Star Wars trilogy, Maddie was finally done filming her new movie and back at the ALDC where she belonged.

Supposedly on a full-time basis.  And supposedly for good.

Spoiler Alert:  Or at least for the rest of this season, if you know whaddimean.

And now that the team was all back together, they didn’t waste any time getting right down to bidnezz as soon as the credits rolled.  And after my MomCrush Jill got herself situated under all that fur-collared goodness she was wearing, of course.  You see that?

The struggle is real.  Ponchos are a lot of work.

Here she is in the same outfit with the matching chapeau.
And here’s Jill again, with Ashlee, right before they threw down on Dress Up Day.
But today wasn’t Dress Up Day at the ALDC.

It was Dark Denim Day, apparently, which resulted in this whole situation on the bleachers.

Do you think they call each other in the morning?  Because I do.

Regardless, Maddie was back.

And so was Abby Lee Miller for a change.

After phoning in most of her performance last week, Abby actually showed up.

On time.  With her hair done.  And her makeup done.

And her pants on.

The only thing that seemed to be missing was her passion for the job.  Or at least that’s what the Moms felt as the conversation focused on all the drama swirling around Abby’s personal life.  And you know what I’m talking ’bout, Willis…

The Moms wanted Abby’s commitment to the team and the studio, which had clearly been in question ever since those TMZ app alerts started coming across their iPhones all those many weeks ago.
Side note:  How do you think The Artist Formerly Known As P.Diddy feels about being the follow-up story to Abby Lee Miller yelling at some poor schmo who gets paid minimum wage to make pizzas?  His shirts are marked down at TJMaxx right now, too.

Aside from wanting the correct 5 dolla make her holla toppings on her Pizza Hut deep dish, Abby also wanted Maddie to get her act together and start winning again.

Like she used to.  Before she got famous.

Maybe even…dare we say it…

…more famous than Abby?

You might wanna hold that thought for a few minutes, because sumthin’s up.

Like Melissa‘s blood pressure, for example, when she found out that Abby had not watched Maddie’s appearance on the the Ellen show, even though she sent her the link and everything.  Not cool.

Look at Melissa’s hair.  She looks like Britney Spears, right?

Pyramid Of Shame note:  There was one.  But Abby wasn’t into it.  So neither are we.

When you don’t have one every week, it kinda loses its impact.  The takeaways from the Big Reveal were a montage of Ashlee hating on all the other Moms/Kids and Kalani’s headshot at the top.

Look at how mature she is now.

Even Melissa got a little verklempt at how fast all the girls are growing up.
This week, the gang was headed to the Dream National Dance Competition in San Diego, where three…count ’em…THREE girls would perform solos.

Sasha Nia You In My Way Boo Sioux scored a musical theater meets Liza Minnelli meets (…Spoiler Alert…) prohibition house flapper girl routine entitled ‘Money Makes The World Go Down’ while Mackenzie would be pleading ‘Don’t Take My Fire’ in an acrobatical number.

Which is possibly even less of an actual word than last week’s ‘pathetical.’

It happened fast, but I think right around here was when Abby might have even said something nice about Nia.

But like I said, it happened so fast that I may have made it all up in my head.

And for the third solo, Nurse JoJo was going to show no ‘Mercy’ and kill someone with a tranquilizer dart just for laughs.  So we also had that to look forward to, I guess.

I swear.  That chick always gets the whacky s***.

And speaking of saving the environment and recycling…
…the group routine was going to be a rewind of Season One’s ‘Sinful.’  Except that now the kids were bigger and it was called ‘7 Deadly Sins’ because why not.
Look at how tiny they were back then.

Side note:  I hope that’s the right dance.  If it’s not…they’re still tiny.  And cute.

Abby called it a reworking of a classic routine.

Holly made this #HollyFace for three days straight and called it ‘Laziness.’

You decide.

The next day, as the girls got to rehearsing, the Moms kept trying to figure out what was up with Abby this week.  Was she into it?  Was she phoning it in again?

The Short Version:  With only two days to go now, everyone was starting to think that maybe Abby was jealous of Maddie’s success.

Wait.  What?

Jessalynn figured that Abby couldn’t handle the fact that the student was now more famous than the teacher.  Maddie’s skyrocketing success had pretty much left Abby behind in the exhaust fumes.

Jess also still had fur from Jill’s poncho in her eyes 24 hours later, the poor thing.  Look at her trying to dig it out before she goes blind.

Ashlee smelled blood in the water as Maddie struggled with getting her mojo back.  Could this be Brynn‘s time to shine?  To…I dunno…steal the spotlight, maybe?  Hmmm.

Melissa kept chewing her nails like this.  All that acrylic in your gut can’t be good for you.
And Holly made that #HollyFace again.
And then one more time.
Until Abby tried to make Nia do the Charleston in her Teen Division competitive dance routine, that is, and then she couldn’t even make a #HollyFace she was so horrified.

So she just sat there all like…

…while her brain flashed back to her only daughter twerking and barking like a dog and wearing a Soul Train afro.  And now you want a Charleston?  Really?
I don’t think so.

Holly busted into the studio.  Abby was all like Whatever.  Holly was all like Are You Kidding Me?  Abby was all like I’m The Boss.  Holly was all like...  

You go, Holly.

Honestly, that stupid gold foam core star on the door is so dinged up already that somebody needs to take it down before I book a flight to LA and do it myself.  Then maybe I’ll be able to pay more attention to all these doorway tirades.

Thank you for your attention to this important visual eyesore.

And then we entered an alternate reality for the second time this week.

Abby.  Complimented.  Nia.  Again.

I know.

Same.

When I came to, it was already the next day…

…and Abby was wearing a towel on her head for some reason.

It’s true.  She walked out of that storeroom/dorm room/deli space behind the studio with a wet towel on head like she just spent the morning at the ALDC DaySpa or something.

I dunno.

Full disclosure:  I think I’m partial to the original version from a few seasons back, only because there were so many donuts in the background.  And she had more of an evening wear kind of thing going on back then, which was très urban.

But let’s be honest.

She had more of everything going on back then, if we’re keeping it real.

But both versions are equally insane.  Don’t you worry.

Finally..and thankfully…it was Showtime!

Well, after the Best.  Commercial.  Break.  Ever.  that is.

Did you flip channels too fast or did you see it?  The Weight Watchers commercial?

With Oprah?

OPRAH.

LOVES.

BREAD.

I mean.  LOVES.  BREAD.

What the what was that?

I gave me such anxiety I had to carbo load before bed just because Oprah said so.

And now I want to gain weight just so I can lose it again with Oprah.

You get bread.  You get bread.  You all get bread!

I think Holly summed it up best with what is now my second favorite #HollyFace ever.
WTF?

And then it really was Showtime.

For some reason, little Brynn wasn’t even listed in the program because she was on probation.  Or her mother was on probation.  Or Abby was just being mean.

It wasn’t really clear.

Side note:  Gianna was around this week, but I guess she wasn’t mic’d because we never heard her speak.  I like her even though she doesn’t have those ombré tips anymore.

JoJo was first out for solos in her crazy nurse garb.  She killed it…no pun intended.

And then, as if TWO Nia compliments on top of Oprah yelling at me in my pajamas wasn’t enough…Mackenzie was not wearing pig tails.  At all.  I swear.

Somehow in the last two weeks, our little MackenzieBoo mouse had grown up and was now strutting around with Ariana Grande hair and a sassy attitude to match.  She even did a questionably inappropriate but appropriately cute lick yo’ finger and sizzle it on your butt move at the end of her routine.

Like I do when I’m trying on new pants at Banana Republic.  Because, yes…now it’s possible to wear skinny jeans even if you love bread.

Right?

Nia finished up the trifecta in style, even though Holly knew the dance was not set up to be a competitive teen solo.  But Nia did what she could with as little as Abby had given her and made us all proud.  #TeamNiaNation.
Her #SideEye will always be better than her Charleston, tho.  Which is as it should be.

The group routine was great, even if it was recycled.

Watching them grow up so fast is always kind of sad, but now that these girls don’t fall down as much and can keep hats on their heads, I gotta say they’re pretty good at getting the job done.

They rushed through the awards pretty quickly, probably because someone was afraid the BoyBand emcee was gonna rip out his shirt if it got any tighter.

Ok, dude.  I see what you did there.  We get it.  You work out.

And you know he’s totally somebody’s gym crush.  California does like it’s ManCandy.

The Awards:  JoJo only stabbed her way to Third Place, which was still great.

Ariana/Mack snagged First Place and pretty much did another backflip for finally winning the top spot.  And Nia came in Fourth, which made me sad but sometimes you get what you get when your choreography is lower than the bar you set for your students.

Because that’s how the argument went after it was all said and done.

Holly got on Abby’s case and called her out on a whole laundry list of issues, which she couldn’t really deny.  And she didn’t try to.  At all.

She even…wait for it…

…kinda, sorta apologized.

Apologized.

What show am I even watching right now?

And Abby cried again.

And then it was over, because everyone had to form a search party before it got dark to try and track down all those Minis that have been missing for two weeks.

Really.  Is that not a thing anymore?  What ever happened to all those little buggers?

Unless we hear something back in the morning, I guess that’s all she wrote for another week, kids.  I’ll keep you posted.

Let’s do it again soon.