OMG! A solo? If I can just keep Mom from Street Fighting for four more days, I totally got this.
For the last time… Jet Blue lost one of my suitcases. That’s why I’m not wearing any pants. Now get off my a**, woman.
If I hear ‘Girl Party’ one more time I swear I’m gonna twist your head all the way around.
Duh. I could totally win SYTYCD if it wasn’t on past my bed time. I’m talking Hollywood, baby.
Trust me, honey. I saw this once on Star Trek. After you black out you won’t remember anything.
Imma need you to hold my big pink flower so I can show these little apple boys how we do.
Yo, Jimmy. Srsly. Why the hell this kid not on my show yet? She’s buck.
Trivia!
A little timeline on the Hollywood Sign for you.
In 1923 when it was built, it originally spelled out ‘Hollywoodland.’
In the early 1940s, Albert Kothe (…the sign’s official caretaker…) was driving drunk when he knocked down the letter ‘H‘ right before sending his Ford Model A over a cliff.
In 1949 the City of Los Angeles Parks Department put the ‘H‘ back up and got rid of the ‘land’ part because that didn’t make sense anymore.
In 1978, nine private donors gave a total of $250,00 to sponsor replacement of the entire dilapidated sign. They put up new letters made out of steel and restored an iconic West Coast image back to its original splendor.
And then, in 2014, Abby Lee Miller came to town and by the first day I’m pretty sure the whole thing had already fallen over. Dance Moms: Hollywood Here We Come.
Nationals.
I know, right? Already. How’d that one sneak up on us?
No idea. But it did. And it’s here. So now it’s buh bye, Pittsburgh…hello, LA.
New York, New York: So nice they named it twice.
The ALDC in Hollywood: So much drama they made it a two parter.
And the whole gang came along for the ride. Almost.
The Original Recipe Elite Team (…aka ‘Old Team’…) was all accounted for and already lined up in formation as this week’s episode began, because the only thing better than a Pyramid of Shame is a Pyramid of Shame that’s on West Coast time.
Dat’s rite. Now you can get your humiliation three hours earlier, kids!
But before they actually accomplished anything, the Select Team (…aka ‘New Team’…) stormed the room like Mother/Daughter bulldozers and took their own on again/off again spots right up there in front of Abby. The entire ALDC 2.0 contingent showed up, with the noticeable exception of Jeannette, Ava and Tami‘s pants.
I didn’t expect to see Jeanette and Ava. Remember when Abby kicked them both off the team (…Spoiler Alert: Or did she?…) a few weeks ago because Ava kept sitting on her Mom’s lap like that Marmaduke dog from the comic strips?
Now I’m not saying that Ava looks like a Great Dane. I’m saying that she reminds me of those big dogs who still think they’re puppies and insist on climbing up into your lap whenever they get upset and don’t get off until your legs go numb. That’s what I meant.
Relax.
As for Miss TammyNoPants? I have no explanation for that one. Don’t get me wrong. I’m TeamTami all the way. But Lawd…Booty Booty E’rrywhere.
Put some pants on, woman. There’s kids in the car.
Right away, Holly got all AwHellNahWeDon’tNeedThemUpInHere! and I made a mental note to myself to Google which Universities still offer Doctorates in Feisty.
Dr. Beyoncé earned that PhD, mmkay? Snap.
Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Chloe, MackZ and Nia. Chloe had missed out on last week’s performance due to her busted up foot, so she was in the basement by default. MackZ was still having trouble getting that MackenzieBoo Monkey off her back and got scolded for being too silly. And Nia had done good last week, but not MayaGood.
Middle Turf was held down by Kendall and Kamryn.
Side note: I may need to rethink my ‘No Headband’ policy. Nia and the KiaKamster were both rocking the head gear and I feel like I might be missing out on a trend. If nothing else, shiny headbands seem to distract your eye from any snarky smirks on a new ALDC dancer’s face when she swipes a solo from a veteran ALDC dancer.
Almost, I mean.
(Oh, yeah. I saw that, Kamryn. I saw that smile.)
But we love Kamryn. Especially since I know that she’s smart enough to hack into this website and find out where I live.
And Maddie was on top. Even though she didn’t dance last week.
Honestly, I can’t even remember if she was there last week. I know I saw her on my TV, but I have no clue if it was Dance Moms, Dancing With The Stars, The Tonight Show, The Ellen Show, The Wendy Williams Show or that Larry King thing nobody can seem to find on cable or the internet.
Wait. Larry King. What about headbands AND suspenders? Thirty seconds ago I’m behind the curve and now I’m already ahead of a trend. Score.
This week, aside from prepping for Nationals (..because, you know…they’re here…) the Maddie and MackZ Publicity Train would be pulling into the Hollywood and Highland Complex with a promotional sumthin sumthin that involved DJs, cameras, crowd control and a pink table that got me all excited because I thought they might be selling Girl Scout cookies.
Abby was gonna pimp the bejeebers out of these girls while they were all in California.
The. Bejeebers.
At Nationals, the Old Team would be performing a group routine entitled ‘Amber Alert’ while the New Team would stick to a more traditional ‘Hollywood Stars’ kinda thing.
Kendall, Chloe and Kamryn all scored solos. There were cheers and headband smirks all around the room. Holly and Nia made some solid arguments concerning seniority and loyalty when it comes to handing out solos, but Abby wasn’t having it right now.
(I hope that Doctorate program is available at Community Colleges, because unless Lifetime starts coughing up coins for this blog, I’ll never be able to afford Harvard.)
Side note: I love how Christi always carries around doctor’s notes and a full set of x-rays like she’s on-call at Shriner’s Hospital. She cracks me up.
No solo for Maddie this week, which she and Mom Melissa took with just a shrug and a whatevah. Hmmm. Hold that thought till next week, because right now Maddie was off to see Jimmy Kimmel and do the weather report on the Today Show. Latah, suckahs.
Oh. BTW. This fall, Abby will be opening her first west coast studio: ALDCLA.
Did I forget that part? It’s kind of a big deal.
I guess I was distracted by that gigantic red box with no postage or address label that somehow just got delivered to Abby. Granted, the “Bite Me. Cathy.” was a pretty good clue as to who sent the thing over, but still.
And then Jeanette and Ava showed up.
Srsly? How many things were in the back of that delivery truck, anyway? I though you weren’t supposed to put real people back there unless they’re being kidnapped? How else would those two even know where to go? Did Jeanette really figure out Abby’s exact location in the state of California yet not realize that Ava hasn’t gotten an ALDC check for the last two weeks? Maybe she picked up the metal in Kamryn’s headband on some kind of crazy Dance Mom Radar or something. I didn’t ask.
After stripping Ava of her ALDC track jacket (…thankfully allowing her to keep her ALDC sports bra since this is/was a family show…) Abby kicked them both off the team for the 17th time and they were gone in under 45 seconds.
That was one expensive flight to LA, sistah. F’realz.
As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms all wandered aimlessly looking for their missing MomPerch, we scooted over to some building that had ‘Nappy’ in part of the logo to see what the Candy Apples were up to.
Answer: No Good.
Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Evil Dance Lair had once again spun their Magic Revolving Door Of Choreographers and this week it spit out another new face.
Chehon Wespi-Tschopp from So You Think You Can Dance!
He won his season! Good for him. And I just have to type his last name and not actually say it out loud. Really good for me! And he’s cute. Cathy likes to bring the cute.
She also brought along a bootleg cassette tape of Sia‘s song Chandelier (…yeah…the one from Jimmy Kimmel…der…) and was going to use it as the music for the CADC group number.
Oooh, gurl. You nasty.
Back at the non-Nappy studio, the Moms couldn’t take the suspense any longer and tore into that mystery box from Cathy only to find one of those bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandeliers (…packed with no bubble wrap, whaa-?…) that had some of the votives replaced with red apples.
(Seriously. If I have to break this one down for you…just…just go.)
There was also a lot of MamaDrama about Maddie receiving a top secret private rehearsal that was somehow caught on security camera footage. A private rehearsal caught on camera for a solo that she wasn’t even doing at Nationals. Hmmm.
Then Cathy showed up to hand deliver the bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandelier with the red apples (…seriously…figure it out…it’s code for something…) directly to Abby, who was eating a banana at the time. Apparently she color coordinates her food with her plastic accessories now. I was not aware.
We’re certainly getting a lot of fashion scoops this week, aren’t we?
After a few requisite monkey jokes, Cathy pointed out that Christi looked like a giant booger and then wished everyone a pleasant afternoon.
Wait. What?
Next thing you know, the same bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandelier with the red apples (…last hint…) got dragged around the building one more time by nosey Christ-y with a ‘Y’ which for some reason made little Sarah burst into tears. That’s kind of her thing lately.
Tami tried to console her while Abby and Christ-y screeched at each other, but the combination of non-stop high pitched yelling and a stranger in booty shorts stroking her head made Sarah completely lose her nutty. Again.
Eventually, even tiny Sarah realized that she had been living the movie Groundhog Day for the last six months and that it was probably time to go. And then they were gone.
Again.
Side note: Did anyone else see how fast Kendall turned and walked in the opposite direction when she stumbled on Jill (…straw hat…love…) and the rest of the Moms grilling Gia about all of Abby’s sketchiness? In the background? When she walked by and then saw what was going on and took off so fast that she left skid marks on the floor like she was doing donuts in a Kmart parking lot?
Peace out. I keep telling you…them Vertes Girls are smart ones, y’all.
Finally, it was Hollywood and Highland time!
And it was a mob scene. Screaming kids and wannabe Dance Moms everywhere. And it was all emceed by Hip-Hopper E-Baby from the Penn Point Dance Academy.
Not gonna lie. At first I thought Abby introduced him as being from West Point and I thought, my…how progressive our military has become.
Don’t Tap. Don’t Tell.
He showcased his hip hop kids and then accepted Abby’s impromptu offer to teach at the new ALDCLA.
And then the Candy Apples showed up, strutting across the mall catwalk and getting all Ohio gangstah on the crowd until E-Baby challenged everyone to a Dance-Off.
Cuz that’s how Lifetime do, yo. Dance-Offs.
Except for Abby, who doesn’t actually dance…because, you know. She just stood off to the side of the stage, backing dat thang up while Cathy kinda shimmied like the Mother of the Bride. Cathy was carrying around an apple-shaped clock that would have been much more visually effective if she had worn it on a giant neck chain like Flava Flav.
Beef Jerky Boyeeeeee!
And the rest of the Moms? Well they just got jiggy wid it.
Go, Jill. Go, Jill.
(Props to Holly, too. Ever since that whole Toddy Rockstar music video thing she’s a little bit of a freak at the PTA meetings.)
Each ALDC kid smacked down on a CADC kid. And then they went group vs. group.
But all that really matters are two takeaways from the whole thing.
One…that little McKenzie Morales kid is spunky. Clearly created in a lab using DNA scraped from the inside of Asia Monet Ray‘s sippy cup, McKenzie slapped all those other girls back into yesterday.
Booyeah. It ain’t just salsa in that bottle, lemme tell you.
And two…Sasha Nia.
What the what? Where did all that sass come from, girlfriend?
Off. The. Hook.
Even Mom was all like Dat’sMyBabyGettingAllKrunkUpThere!WhoKnew!
Nia was on fiyah. Fi. Yah. Splits and Death Drops and Is That All You Gots? all over the stage. She even whipped her weave right in some poor kid’s face until he cried.
Right in the kid’s face. I swear. Like they do on Bring It!
I was up off the couch snatching my own weave she got so thug.
Side note: If you don’t watch Bring It! you won’t understand the Awesomeness That Was Nia. That…and we can’t be friends. Ever.
Asia: The Sequel won the solo competition, but the ALDC took the group improv title.
Beat ‘em on stage. Beat ‘em in the street. In yo’ face, Candy Apples.
Luckily, before it escalated into an actual street battle, everyone headed back to their hotel rooms for some sleep.
Because…you know.
It’s Nationals, baby.
Time to focus.
