If I turn this way, you can totally tell I only had time to curl three pieces of hair before breakfast.
I am phoning it in this week. Maybe what we need is fewer Girl Parties and more sugar.
Nia in a dog collar? I swear, if that electric fence around the Moms wasn’t turned on right now…
The Ellen Show has a game where you fall in a box and are never heard from again. Hmmm…
I got carded at the Teen Choice Awards after-party! And Zac Efron was totally checking this out!
Yeah. I know, right? Claire’s was having a sale. Look who’s wearing a trendy new headband!
Really? So this how we’re gonna play the game today?
I was wondering if you had one of those logo t-shirts in XS. And if you could make today suck any harder.
Here we go.
Another episode of Dance Moms.
And for the second week in a row, the New Team was MIA. On hiatus, Abby called it.
Just so we’re clear. Abby spent the bulk of two seasons crossing the country looking for her new and improved Dream Team, threatening the Old Dream Team with their imminent arrival on a daily basis, auditioning them, training them, dressing them in ALDC tube tops and then ended up only using them twice before sending everyone on Spring Break?
Really? Why didn’t somebody send me a text? I would have totally dropped everything and gone down to one of the Open Call Auditions if I had known it was only a two week commitment. I never leave the house without my ATM card and some leg warmers, so that wouldn’t have been an issue. Boy Scouts are always prepared, you know.
So yes, they were down a few dancers. But no worries, because what they lacked in bodies this time around, they more than made up for in drama and headbands.
A lot of headbands, actually. They were heavy on the headgear this week.
I blame that new girl Kamryn Beck for single handedly bringing back the noggin noodle. She’s the one who was late to her first day at the ALDC because she was out in the parking lot notating the molecular density of a complex mixture of asphalt and mineral aggregates, trying to determine if the hydrocarbons were insoluble in carbon disulfide.
Seriously. All I asked this chick to do was fill the damn potholes, not add another page to her resume. Over-achieve, much?
We even got a quick flashback of the Kia Kamster listing off everything that she accomplishes in a day before I even get my a** out of bed. Nice headband, by the way.
As the Old Team scooted in for the Geometric Shape of Shame (…it wasn’t even a Pyramid, fercryinoutloud…) they were already down another dancer because Melissa and the oldest Ziegler were off in Hollywood taping The Ellen Show, where Maddie would be recreating the Sia music video. This television appearance would give Maddie some serious national network exposure as well as give Abby the opportunity to say Maddie’s name like a mantra every 15 seconds for the remainder of the show.
Truth. If you edit out the word ‘Maddie’ from this week’s episode there were only about 247 other words spoken for the entire hour and most of them were just Holly saying “OhNoTheyDin’t just put a dog collar on my baby” over and over again.
Count ‘em. I ain’t lying.
So the Pyramid of Shame was really just a square this time. Maddie was on the bottom row because she was in Hollywood, which messed with my head because I thought the Pyramid was based on LAST week’s results, not the current week.
Poor punching bag Chloe was also in the basement because she fell during the “Broken Dolls” group routine. I forget the exact ballet terminology for the move she wiped out on, but it sounded like when someone makes fun of how British people talk.
The final spot on the bottom was for Nia. Ballet’s not really her thing either, but it doesn’t matter since we’re still in the International Year Of The Nia. Snap in a Z formation.
The top row was home to newbie Sarah H., MackZ and Kendall. Nothing earth shattering to report. Sarah was still shaking. Kendall didn’t appear to be breathing at all. And MackZ get penalized for being short. Thankfully her fish lip headshot was on the mirror or I would have completely forgotten she was on the show this week.
Abby announced that the gang would be heading to Shenandoah Valley for the Powerhouse Dance Competition. Kendall, Nia and Chloe all scored solos and the group number was entitled “Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves.”
But not the hoochie kind of tramps. Abby was quick to point out that these tramps were like Charlie Chaplin tramps. So they weren’t dirty.
I dunno if it’s still fallout from that fiasco when the girls were all naked dancing with fans or what, but somebody in the Legal Department always seems to make sure Abby clarifies that nothing is ever dirty anymore.
Charlie Chaplin ate a shoe, but he wasn’t nasty. Are we clear?
As the girls started rehearsing the not-dirty group number, the Moms hit the MomPerch to discuss this whole Maddie Thang. New Christ-y could already tell that Abby was grooming Maddie for super stardom and playing favorites. Old Christi didn’t want to gossip, because you didn’t hear it from her, but she had heard that Sia’s studio called the ALDC looking for girls and somehow the whole thing ended up being an opportunity that was only offered to Maddie.
(Full Disclosure: Old Christi also went on a Twitter bender after the episode and said that the show was edited and that she didn’t exactly say that exactly and that what she said wasn’t exactly…you know. That also sounds exactly like I creep her on Twitter, which I don’t. Because she won’t exactly follow me on Twitter. So there’s that, too.)
My MomCrush Jill was understandably concerned that Kendall was once again only playing the role of Maddie and not really getting a chance to shine on her own. I was understandably concerned that we were already three episodes into Season 4.5 and Jill hadn’t worn anything crazy yet.
I’m gonna need my girl to put on some ostrich feathers and throw a shoe pretty soon or we might have to break up. I don’t wanna say I started something, but America lives for the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch. I hope Daddy Vertes didn’t cut up her Chico’s card.
With three days to go before competition, Melissa and Mini-Sia were back in the hizzle bragging about their time with Ellen DeGeneres. Maddie had slayed her performance, Sia had oddly faced the wall with her clothes on backwards for the entire song and Melissa had neglected to bring back even one postcard for her friends.
Since Maddie was on another level now (…ALDC MindGames: The Sequel, coming soon to a theater near you…) Abby decided that Maddie should assist in the choreography.
That went over well as the solo rehearsals kicked into high gear.
Kendall’s prop was going to be a mirror and a big ol’ Phantom of the Opera scar on her right cheek. Clearly, not just another pretty face.
Chloe had apparently somehow missed 4 years of dance classes and according to Abby was no longer a contender for the top titles, which made me want to immediately go and post a sad face on her Instagram account. We love Chloe and her pouty face.
And then Nia came out in a dog collar and the party really got started.
Abby wanted Nia’s “Underdog” routine to be truly authentic, complete with barking and other canine randomness. Holly wanted to go downstairs, take off her shoes and earrings and just lose her nutty but she knew how much Nia hates standing around in a dog collar and Petco leash while her Mom has a stroke. So she didn’t.
And me? Well, apparently I wasn’t paying attention in the beginning when Abby handed out the solos because up until this point I thought Nia was going to be the “Have no Fear! Underdog is Here!” cartoon.
Not gonna lie. A little disappointed.
Holly was quick to point out that Jazz Dog Dances don’t win many trophies, which is exactly the discussion I was having over cocktails the other night. What are the chances?
During another group rehearsal, I believe that MackZ and Sarah were somewhere in the building, but I didn’t actually see them. Upstairs, Jill did some quick math in her head and realized that Maddie had somehow learned Kendall’s dance behind everyone’s back and wanted Melissa to fess up about how this keeps happening.
Now I don’t know enough about home schooling to make any judgements, and I know people who are both for and against the topic, but when Jill pointed out that Maddie only goes to the kitchen table for one hour a day and Kendall goes to public school for 8 hours a day, I was all like Wait…What?
I’m leaving the debate for all the Gymboree chat rooms. I’m not getting in the middle of this one. All I know is that when I was in public school and I suggested that we only stay in homeroom for one hour and then go to the cafetorium and dance for the rest of the day, I got sent home with a note for my parents. So I dunno wassup with kids nowadays.
But somehow Maddie got a private with Gia and learned the dance just in case Kendall disappeared in the woods behind the studio.
Chloe struggled a bit while practicing her solo because she hadn’t gotten to the studio until 3pm that day (…gah, school…) whereas Maddie had been at the studio since 8:30am. Clearly the Ziegler Gurlz do their one hour of home schooling before sunrise while Melissa milks the cows out back in the barn.
And speaking of Gia. She came in with the not-dirty-at-all Gypsy costumes and once again…one costume short. No Tramp Tights for little Sarah.
Will somebody please dig through that landfill of a front desk and find Abby’s calculator so she can finally get a proper headcount? Thank you.
Needless to say, Christ-y got all Not Very Christ-y-like and started to come unscrewed.
Side note: Anyone else notice Christ-y’s hair? I don’t know if she was in the middle of curling her hair when the Leggo My Eggos popped up or what, but she never finished. It looked like when QVC demonstrates that contraption that gives you soft, luxurious beachy curls but they only do a few of them so you can see the Before and After difference.
But it didn’t really matter, because the next thing you know Abby told Christ-y to pray to the God of FedEx (…good luck with that by the way, I try it every Christmas Eve…) and then all of the sudden she called Abby ‘Trash’ and got both herself and her tiny girl kicked out of the competition. Again.
I swear it’s gonna be a race to see who has that stroke first. Holly or Sarah.
Deep, deep…way deep…down Abby still has a heart I guess, because she felt bad and offered Sarah the chance to join them on the bus as long as her Mom didn’t come along. Unfortunately, Christ-y wouldn’t let Sarah out of her sight and ended up taking her back home. Where she has been “since birth.”
Which didn’t creep me out at all.
I guess four Dance Moms, five tweeny bops, a fleet of cameramen, two sound guys, my boy Director Jimmy and a bus driver who looks like Santa without a beard aren’t trustworthy enough to babysit Sarah for a sleepover at the Ramada.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Kendall’s costume was basically Maddie’s costume. Jill was momentarily mesmerized by all the pretty sparkly stuff and it gave me hope that once the weather cools off a little bit, the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch will be back in full swing.
Nia’s costume was pretty elaborate and did kind of look like what you would expect a dog to look like if you put lipstick on it and let it do a Death Drop for treats.
Love me some Nia. Even if it wasn’t the International…blah blah blah. She’s awesome.
Chloe had on a leotard. That’s all. And an ALDC logo on her chest. If Abby had thought to put “Kick Me” on her back with glitter glue she probably would have. The only thing on stage lamer than her costume was the actual Powerhouse logo. I don’t know why Abby has to be so mean to our little Chloebird.
All the solos went amazeballs. I could totally relate to how hard it is to dance while holding a vanity mirror. Just saying.
And can we all just take a moment to truly appreciate Jill’s face while Kendall was dancing? What the What was going on there? Mama likes, I guess.
Miss Nia got all Mad Dawg and got it done. She marked every judge’s hydrant, if you know whaddimean. Take that, Abby. Who let the dawgs out now?
Chloe got even taller and more graceful than last week.
Results: Nia 4th. Chloe 2nd. Kendall 1st.
The group routine wasn’t dirty at all and came in First Place. There was also a special award given to the emcee for rocking that argyle sweater and TJMaxx hat. (Don’t forget that Back to School sales are already in progress, people. Shop early.)
Back in the Science Lab/Makeup Room (…Seriously. How many people do you think Googled the word “Homeostasis” after seeing that construction paper ransom note all over the back wall?…) Abby was still being Abby.
They team did good. Very good, in fact.
But never good enough. Maybe they needed to be threatened all the time. Maybe they needed a new dancer or two to keep them on their sickled toes.
Maybe Nia could make a few more of those reactionary backstage faces, because they were The. Best. Ever.
Augh. New dancers again?
Ruh Roh.
