Dance Moms: Holy Moly, Chloe! It Was Starbound To Happen Sooner Or Later. But Can You Really Go Home Again?

I just can’t believe it’s been 7 years and they still haven’t filled one pothole in this parking lot.

This kitchen remod is way over budget. Put your shoes on, girls…it’s time to go snatch up some Lifetime coins.

Did I tell you that I’m dropping a hip, new musical video this week? It’s already on my FacePage.

So ignore it. Do it anyways. Prove them wrong. And read DanThat’sCool. Hear that, haters?

A few treats from Canton’s Jerky King in the gopher trap and just like that I got a new fur stole.

FYI. Sing Sing’s an all-male, maximum security prison, you idiot. But Mama does like her boys.

We were gonna show up, too, but that one couldn’t find her phone and they left without us.

Quick question.

Asking for a friend, of course.

Dat’s rite.

We’re back.  At least for one week, anyway.

So try to contain your enthusiasm…

…because it’s really happening, people.

The long awaited reveal of the worst kept secret in the history of Reality TV.

And me finally getting off my lazy a** to recap Dance Moms like the good ol’ days.

Double Whammy.

And it’s all because Chloe Lukasiak is back in the hizzle, yo.

I know, right?

But first…

I know I’ve been slacking on this blog lately.  Bigly.

Fact:  I missed you guys.  F’realz.

Alternative Fact:  Unfortunately, this hot mess of a site has catapulted me into such a stratospheric new level of #SuperStardom that I no longer have time for the little people anymore.

I’m kind of a big deal now.

Or not, maybe.

Closer to the actual truth might be the fact that Lifetime TV (…and that lady in the orange…) still refuse to pay my rent each month, which means I’m required to continue working a real job in the real world for a real small paycheck.

An annoyance which has seriously cut into quality couch time in front of my widescreen.

Don’t get me wrong, tho.

I’m sure Lifetime would be more than willing to compensate me for all this hilarity if a certain Executive Producer wasn’t pissing away all the profits on gym memberships and designer LensCrafters frames.

But you didn’t hear that from me.

Kidding.  He’s my boy.  It’s all good.

And if he thinks they makes him look like Clark Kent on Casual Friday…whatever.

Side note:  Did we ever get an answer as to why Melissa and Jill wore the same hair that day?

What was that all about?

Side note 2:  Remember when they used to film the Reunion Shows in Kelly‘s basement?  That was back when Jill did her own hair.  

But they fancy now.  Real Housewives of Pittsburgh 4Life.

And as far as the MIA Dance Moms recaps, it’s not like we lost touch during my absence.

To the contrary, actually.

I heard from many of you on social media.

You know.  The usual.

But now we’re all back together again.  In Pittsburgh.  Where it all began.

The birthplace of the ALDC.

And home to the ALDC.  But not the same ALDC.  Pay attention…because it’s confusing.

Turns out the Pittsburgh Abby Lee Dance Company is now the Appolonia Leake Dance Company.

Or at least on paper and in Yelp reviews.  Everything else still has the old name all over it.

One.  The fact that they found someone with the exact same initials to sign the lease is amazing.  If it’s a lease, I mean.  One Instagram account says Ms. Leake owns the ALDC now.

Two.  It’s not this Apollonia.

The one riding on the back of Prince‘s motorcycle in Purple Rain spells her name with one ‘P’ and two ‘Ls’ and should be wearing a helmet.

The one that is slowly painting over all evidence that Abby Lee Miller ever stepped foot in the building is spelled with two ‘Ps’ and one ‘L.’  Because, of course it is.

Look at Abby ’bout ready to rip that damn sign right off the wall.

Side note:  If they still have that Reign Dance Production marquee up on the highway, I’m not playing anymore.  Don’t even ask me where the Maryen Lorraine Dance Studio fits into all this mess.
Regardless.  E’rryone is back in PA for Nationals.  Because, you know.  The Road to Nationals.

As Holly and Nia Sioux took in the view from the parking lot, marveling at the gutted out flat top pavement and subzero temperatures, Abby was inside getting ready to not run the Pyramid of Shame.

You can’t see it in that photo, but Holly was wearing an 84K diamond cocktail necklace at 2 in the afternoon.  Because she can now.  And she did.

Remember when Nia was so little she used to disappear in those parking lot cracks  like they were sink holes?  Our little Sasha is all growed up like wicked big now.

Once everyone made it inside, all the girls fell into Beyoncé Formation one last time.

At least in Pittsburgh.  The whole show was in kind of a TMZ flux during filming.

Look at this and tell me you don’t feel old.

What the what with these little kids—?

And don’t tell me that it wasn’t a complete mindf*** to see all those new Moms mixed in with the Few & the Proud remaining Original Recipe Moms, all standing at the same Pure Barre railing that Mackenzie used to bump her head on every week.

Especially this Mom.

Who’s the perfect toxic mash-up of that lady who always screams at her kids…
…and that other lady who was always in the top/middle spot on Hollywood Squares.
I mean, c’mon.
This is when I really wish Joan Rivers was still alive.

Oh.  And it was Pashmina Poncho Day at the ALDC.  But only for the OGs.

I’m not even sure who this kid is.  I don’t think she’s danced in the last 3 weeks, has she?She seems nice, tho.

And look at these two niblets.

As previously noted, there was so much to do this week (…Nationals!…) that Abby decided it was best to skip the Pyramid and get right down to bidnezz, which kind of disappointed me since I was really looking forward to one last creaky, dusty PA Pyramid.

#NeverForget.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  When the temperature drops, the fur comes out and the Bump-It goes up.

Fact:  It’s more accurate than the Weather Channel.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

This week (…at Nationals!…) Lilly, Elliana, Kalani and Brynn all scored solos, which meant that the two most senior members of the ALDC Team got nada.

Nia’s #SrslyFace is straight up #Goals.

Kendall didn’t seem as concerned, tho, probably because this was the week her new music video was going to be premiered to a throng of screaming young girls who shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a nightclub that has open liquor bottles displayed on the wall.

Spoiler Alert:

Q.  Where would I be without you?

But Nia and Kendall would at least be part of the Big Girl group routine (…cryptically entitled “Is There Still Hope?”…) where they would all portray characters from the seedier side of the PA streets.

Kalani was going to be the junkie.  KK schizophrenic.  Brynn was developing an eating disorder.  Newbie Camryn would rep the prostitutes.

And Nia was going to be in a gang, because…LaQuifa What?

Swear to Gawd.  Seven years later and Abby’s still trying to make her wear that lace front.

Full disclosure:  Initially, the group routine was going to be a number about conquering cancer, but Abby had forgotten that the girls had already sung that song with a pink ribbon way back in the old’n days.

Once the Moms reminded her that she was about to recycle a routine, Abby went and sat on her crash pad until Nia’s gang dance came to her in a vision.

#CrashPadMemories.  Good times.

And then the internet started to break:

Our first glimpse of Chloe and Christi and no-longer-a-baby Baby Clara.

First in a flashback, which explained the Lukasiaks’ Season 4 departure, but did nothing to address what exactly was happening in the back of Abby’s hair while Christi was ripping her a new one…

…and then in a flashforward (…I think that should have been two words…) which made me a little emotional for my Toddlers & Tiaras crew.

Dance Moms:

Toddlers & Tiaras:

Dance Moms:

Toddlers & Tiaras:

Dance Moms:

Look at how big Clara got.  That’s crazy pants.

Long story short.  This…

…turned into this when nobody was looking.
Casa Lukasiak got a kitchen makeover with a pretty pricey refrigerator.

And this is a good color on Christi.

A Million Bonus Points:  That strategically placed Teen Choice Award surfboard was EVERYthing.

Remember when Chloe scored that giant foam slab in 2015 and so many girls screamed that all the neighborhood dogs started running in circles?  The Library was open on that Read when she read Abby at the podium, right?

And her stunt double got one, too, which I thought was nice.  You don’t think our girl did 4 years of Christi vs. Abby fight scenes without some help, do you?  

A Million More Bonus Points:  After deciding to crash the Nationals party, Chloe said that if things got out of control, maybe the Federal Government could help them with Abby.

#OhNoSheDin’t.

Meanwhile, back at the ALDC, all the wrong Moms were up in the Original MomPerch all sitting in the wrong MomSpots.  Shout out to Holly for snagging her end seat, tho.  All those years running into a crowded school cafeteria finally paid off.  Dat’s my seat, yo.

The new Moms gnawed on each others’ necks for awhile after finding out that Lilly’s Dad was doing the vocals on her solo music.  Which I guess would be an issue if her Dad was Nat King Cole or something.

But he’s not.  So relax.

I literally can’t stop looking at that hair.
Look at Yolanda.  You know she wants to.

Public Service Announcement:  Brace yourselves, ladies.  Put your trays in the upright position and fix your lip gloss, cuz we’re all about to experience a #ZackAttack.

I know, right?  So dreamy.

Little Zack Torres is now Big Zack Torres and he just made his triumphant return to the Candy Apples!

Look at Ava back there.   She knows wassup.

I probably could’ve done without Cougar Cathy Nesbitt-Stein pointing out what a #ZackSnack he was in front of all the kids…but she’s old, not dead.  So I guess…you know.
Got enough crap on those shelves?

And this Mom was back again.

Side note:  I realize that every time Melanie‘s on the show I point out how she once knocked over my soda at a Boston Food Court and just kept walking like she had somewhere to go, but I feel it needs constant repeating because it cost me almost $1.50 in gym bag change.

This Mom returned, too.

Sssssh.  Don’t wake her.  She’s resting up for a Throw Down later.

The CADC group routine was going to be about Abduction and Human Trafficking, which was a heavy and emotionally disturbing subject to everyone.  Especially 20 years ago when the ALDC did it with a playground swing.  But, again…I’m not judging.  Out loud.

I’m not even sure who this Mom is, but she experienced abduction in her own family and that is both heartbreaking and not cool, so she was allowed to get emotional.

Keep your kids close.  Nobody should have to go through that.  Ever.

Alternative Fact:  I think I forgot to mention that Cathy was positively gleeful at the possibility of Abby ending up in Sing Sing when all the financial drama reached Sentencing.

You might to Google that before you go on CNN, honey.

Bonus MomPerch footage:  Please tell me you saw that interaction between Kira and Ashlee when Kira was all like ‘Don’t even tell me you’re gonna put that whole thing in you mouth all at once…”

And Ashlee was all like “Watch me…”

And Kira was all like “OhMyGod you totally did it.  How ’bout you chew your food?…”

And then Holly was all like #HollyFace.Disclaimer:  Kidding.

You know I love Ashlee even though she stopped following me on Twitter.  And let’s be real.  Whatever she was inhaling looked mighty tasty, so scoot over and break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar.

And then we were off to Kendall K’s music video premiere!!!!

Starring Jill!

And more Jill!

And even more Jill!
Go home, Jill.  You’re drunk.
Disclaimer(s):  You know Jill Vertes will always be my MomCrush.  Your arguments are invalid.

And I guess Kendall K’s actual…actual…online music video looks completely different and actually stars Kendall K.  So I’m not really sure what they premiered.  Or why Abby was selling merch in the lobby like it was a Grateful Dead tour.  Maybe she’s just a little short on cash.

(Too soon?)

Side note:  Not gonna lie.  I thought Abby was shaving Kate Gosselin’s back in this clip until I realized she was just autographing some of the DeadHead t-shirts.  You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

The next day, after a tearful last look at the ALDC studio in the rearview mirror, it was Showtime!

In an airplane hangar.  On the Planet Hoth.

Look at how far away the makeup tables were from the front door.

And look at how how cold it was in there.
I’m pretty sure this show stopped making sense somewhere around the middle of Season One.

Everybody was freezing, which I guess would explain why the emcee’s cheeks were so pink during the Red Carpet photo op.  Careful with that mic, dude.

  You know what happened the last time somebody shoved something in her face.
And then Cathy & Co. stampeded through the ALDC makeup hangar like they always do, pushing over both the vinyl banner and Holly’s last button.
That’s enough Candy Apple nonsense for me, thank you very much.

Side note:  Isn’t this copyright infringement?

Looks like Abby might have a roommate in Sing Sing after all.

And then Abby kinda sorta mentally shut down and didn’t even bother to give the girls their normal pre-game pep talk, which got an already frustrated Holly even more frustrated.

Fact:  She’s literally been waving that right arm in the air for 7 years.

And then finally, it was really Showtime!

Programming Note:  Since we’re running a little long given the 2 hour broadcast, I’ll try to trim the fat to speed up the process.

Zack’s makeup was on point.

Zack’s Mom.  When your son has better contouring than you, why even bother.

I love Gina.

Human Prop Vivi-Anne was back to reclaim her title as Miss Human Abduction Prop 2017.

Zack scooped her up faster than Chunky Monkey on Ben & Jerry’s Free Cone Day.  I love Vivi-Anne almost as much as she loves ice cream.  Which is a lot.  And more than dancing.
Why this kid doesn’t have a sitcom yet, I swear…

Lilly’s Dad looks like the guy from The Commish after he shaved his head.  And her brother’s gonna be a heart breaker once he stops sleeping with a retainer.

This random guy’s eyebrows, tho.  I just can’t.  And neither can Kira.
Wait for it…

There’s Holly’s right arm again.

Wait for it…
There was even some dancing, but you’re gonna have to Google the results.  You know the rules.
Wait for it…
Kate Gosselin almost punched out that other Mom after the competition.
And then…

Wait for it…

Ok. Now.
Everyone.  Lost.  Their.  Minds.

Holly was a #HotMess.

Jill wasn’t sure how she felt about Christi’s off-the-shoulder peasant dress.

Chloe was thinking about getting back into competition mode.

Christi already needed a drink. 

There were hugs and kisses and screams and more hugs and more kisses and more screaming.

And then just like that…it was over.

Or was it?  Is it?

Chloe was back.

Or was she?

Can you really go home again?

To be continued…