Santa Abby, forgot to mention one little thing. Some Bling. And more Bling!
I swear to Gawd if that Candy Apple boy lifts his damn leg one more time I’m calling the cops.
Put one foot in front of the other. And soon I’ll be calling you a whore ore ore.
I love sing-alongs! Where’d that hot Santa go? Mama needs a refill. My hat’s already empty!
Srsly, gurlz. How fine is my man? Don’t choo bitches be all hating on me. I know you’re jealz.
I have absolutely no idea who that girl is singing over there. Just keep smiling. She’s almost done.
A freakin’ puppy. Just. Shut. Up. ♥
Sing along if you want.
All I want for Christmas is no Sickle Feet. My braces off. And Fatter lips.
And to slap that Mom on the other end of the couch just once.
And a puppy, of course. A ridiculously cute one.
Think you can make that happen, Santa?
‘Tis the season for giving. And smack talking. And clearly Abby Lee Miller was feeling exceptionally generous on all counts this week because she just shoved a shiny, brand new Dance Moms Holiday Special right up under our tree when we weren’t looking.
That’s right. It was the return of Dance Moms. This time, with drama and tinsel!
With only a few weeks to go before the new season begins, Abby and my boy Jeff Collins were back with another one of those odd little cable access specials filmed in yet another one of those mysteriously unidentified warehouses.
Now don’t get me wrong. I love me some Jeff Collins. He and I are tight you know, even though we’re down to the last two weeks before Christmas and I have yet to receive my 2013 Collins Avenue photo card.
What I don’t understand is why a franchise that hauls in a gazillion dollars a year from Meet & Greets, iTunes downloads and “Save Those Tears…” Egyptian cotton pillow cases still insists on buying their set decorations at Costco.
Don’t get me wrong on this one either. I love me some Costco. Especially when I’m whipping up a snack and need 18 gallons of mayonnaise on a Sunday night. But what I don’t love is Costco for my designer holiday trim.
Surrounded by every tree that ended up in last year’s December 26th clearance aisle and a massive backdrop made out of the same hanging fabric they use in Mall fashion shows to prevent you from accidentally seeing underwear in the middle of the Food Court, Jeff and Abby started the show with some pleasant chit chat while all our favorite little ALDC girls attempted to decorate one last Costco bush.
I’ll say it. Any holiday special that starts out with Abby yelling something about Blue Balls already has my attention. DVR: Activated.
As the girls scooted backstage, Abby and Jeff relived some of Ms. Miller’s favorite childhood Christmas memories and gave us a quick sweep of some old family photos that were sprinkled around the set.
It not only gave us a glimpse of Abby’s simple upbringing but also another opportunity to scope out a little more of those Costco decorations behind the picture frames.
Am I the only one who thought that the fake snow under the packages looked exactly like the stop-motion snow in the old Rudolph TV show? The one with the Abominable Snowman?
Did you see how it was all big flat chunks of white stuff? Like it was cut out of the foam you put on your bed when you’re too cheap to buy a new mattress.
Abby dissed on the Moms for a few minutes, putting them all on her Naughty List for a variety of drunk, mouthy reasons but then stated that she still bought them all gifts.
Because it is the holiday season after all. Even if you’re drunk. Or mouthy. Or both.
Plus they saved so much bank on the decorations this year that there was still a good chunk of change left in the christmas club envelope. So everyone gets an Oprah gift!
Needless to say, as soon as they heard the word ‘Gifts’ all the Moms came stampeding out in their fancy new holiday dresses. All sparkly and festive and stuff.
Everyone looked like they were going to a neighborhood Christmas party and wanted to outdo the hostess, except for my girl Holly who looked like she was supposed to be at the Presidential Inauguration and got on the wrong bus.
Oh, yeah. Dr. Holly was giving me some Michelle Obama Realness. You go, girl.
(And you guys all go and buy her new book. Do it now. I’ll wait.)
Since most of the Moms are all self admitted HornBalls, Abby had some random shirtless Chippendale dude come out in Adam Levine skinny jeans and a stocking Santa cap to hand out presents to the greedy gaggle. It was like meat on a stick.
Points for trying to get Jill to hyperventilate on camera, but Santa needed a spray tan.
Kelly got one of those plastic beer helmets they sell at Spencer Gifts, because she’s a drunk and Abby refused to pay more than $14.95. It was a moment.
Jill got a gigantic box full of lip injection syringes so she could go home and plump herself into a coma, while Holly got dissed with a stash of sensible orthopedic shoes.
OhNoSheDin’t. Abby has some issues with Mrs. Obama’s feet and tried to sneak in a few Sasquatch jokes, but Holly wasn’t having it.
Between you and me, I think my girl’s been watching some VH1 during the hiatus because right away Holly got all “MmmMmm. I don’t need to be worryin’ ’bout my feet cuz I got all of dis goin’ on, mmmkay?” as she werked and twerked her arms all up in the ayah ayah.
Love that First Lady.
Christi got one of those cheap cash boxes that kids keep their allowance money in under the bed because she always squawks about Abby’s finances. That gift momentarily backfired into an argument over why Maddie had made all her friends pay a cover charge to attend her birthday party earlier in the year. Something about a Food Bank and the high cost of orthodontics. I wasn’t paying attention.
Melissa got a box full of Dirty Girl Granny Panties to be used as ammo in her next Man Hunt, as well as a gift certificate for a Matchmaker after she leaves Husband #27. I swear, that poor lady can’t catch a break from those hens ever since she (…allegedly…) slept with her boss.
Suddenly there was a little dancing, to remind us all that the show originally once focused on dancing, and then Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein arrived to really get the party started.
Candy Apples in the hizzle, yo!
And she came bearing gifts. One gift, anyway. An egg poacher from Bed, Bath & Beyond. Because Abby was poaching new students from outside the ALDC this season.
Oh, snap. See what she did there?
Needless to say, everyone pig piled on top of each other for a few minutes in classic ALDC vs. CADC fashion until Cathy finally came up for air and helped introduce her Senior Dance Team’s performance.
Yeah. She brought dancers, too. A bunch of girls. And Nick Daniels.
And then Twitter exploded into a mushroom cloud of OMGs and those round yellow smiley faces with hearts instead of eyeballs.
I swear only dogs could hear the squeals of little girls around the country at that moment. My cable even shut off for a second.
You know Nick. He’s like Nick #2 or something. There’s a lot of Nicks on this show. He’s dreamy, I guess. But not the dreamiest one. The other one is the one who always makes Abby’s girls spit out their retainers.
But I’m not going to slam any of the Nicks…or their dancing…because boy dancers already have a tough enough hill to climb. But can we talk about this Nick’s one leg up in the air needle, spindle, spike, whatevertheycallit signature move for a few minutes?
Cuz that’s kinda his thing.
On Twitter. On Facebook. On Instagram.
Here I am in Times Square with my leg up. Here I am at the Grand Canyon with my leg up. Here I am in the 10 items or less line at Piggly Wiggly with my leg up.
I literally had to stop Googling him before I crossed the line from Research into an episode of Dateline. We get it, dude. Now put it down for a few.
The kid is 99.99% arms and legs. With no spinal cord and not a chance of finding the right sleeve length off the rack. Not to mention that he seemed pretty darn excited to be performing on the special.
And the girls didn’t stand a chance against him. Why Cathy decided to add a trio leg lift, needle, spindle thing in the middle of the routine I’ll never know.
One of the girls didn’t even come close to matching his form, while the other one fell out of the move early and almost grabbed Nick’s holiday package on the way back down.
Hands off, honey. At least until December 25. You know the rules.
After the Nick Show finished, Abby read her own version of The Night Before Christmas, which was basically just a slam against Cathy set to poetry. Props to whoever was in charge of doing the audience cutaway shots during this special.
Ooooh. Aaaaaah. I just can’t.
And then Cathy reached under the couch and pulled out her own poem. Really. She totally revealed it like a Real Housewife on a Reunion Show when they pull pages of saved texts from behind a pillow.
Take that, Teresa Giudice. Bitch.
Not to be outdone, Christi was up next with yet another poem. Whatever. Third time was making tired.
Bonus props, though, to whoever was off stage playing the piano recital music during the holiday readings. It was probably Nick with one leg up on the top of the Steinway.
Throughout the show Jeff had been hyping the arrival of both Santa and the Dance Dads.
Could it be? Could we finally get a glimpse of the Men behind the scenes after all these years? And would they be as big a bunch of cry babies as the Candy Apples Daddies?
Jeff made it sound like an entire tour bus of Dads was on its way up into the loading dock, so needless to say I was a little discouraged when only two husbands could find their dress-up clothes and join their wives in front of the cameras.
Maybe next time they shouldn’t film on a night when there’s not a football game on ESPN.
Holly’s Man Evan Frazier arrived, accompanied by Jill’s husband Erno Vertes. All the other Dads were glaringly MIA.
Can I just say that Holly and Evan were giving me so much additional Obama Realness that I thought I sat on my remote and was watching CNN for the entire segment? Not to mention that Erno’s name was so quirky I had to Google it twice.
Hopefully the Dads kept the tags on those new clothes, because Jeff didn’t keep them on the set long enough to sweat in them. Thanks for coming. Buh Bye now.
And then Coco Jones sang with the oddest assortment of local choir people evah.
Yeah. Coco Jones.
If you shave your face or your legs, you’re too old to know who Coco Jones is, so we’ll skip right over this part after questioning why Brooke didn’t just sing her youtube song again since she’s…you know…on the show.
As soon as the mini Jennifer Hudson finished up, it was time to unwrap more presents!
Since the real Santa had somehow been delayed in highway traffic and having a Chippendale guy in a sock hat and baby oil hand out makeup to little girls seemed slightly inappropriate, Abby took over the role of gift giver to finish off the hour.
Every kid got a ginormous Price is Right box, complete with a big dramatic reveal.
Nia got $2,000 worth of baking equipment. Now that Abby has finally given up on trying to force an afro wig onto the poor kid’s head every week, it appears that she’s moved on to gifts of pots and pans in an attempt at keeping Nia in the kitchen. I guess sometimes progress moves in baby steps. But word on the street is that Nia makes a mean cake…and my birthday is in April. So just saying.
Kendall got $2,000 worth of makeup to continue her Covergirl ways. My bet is Mom snagged all the glittery stuff before they even got the box into the mini-van.
Brooke got a home recording studio so she could hone her craft and not get upstaged by a Radio Disney girl again next Christmas.
Paige got a princess vanity which had to be explained to Jeff. (And what was the deal with his hair this time around? Did he get a touch up, or was the gel just reflecting all the red glitter in the room? Inquiring Minds want to know.)
Chloe got books. A ton o’ books. And then a lifetime of books. I don’t even know what that means.
And then Maddie got Capezio tap boots. And a $5,000 Capezio shopping spree. And a key to the city. And her braces removed. And a condo. And a seat on the first Moon Shuttle with Justin Bieber. And a convertible and whatever else Abby could find at the Mall to imply that she’s still her favorite dancer.
Seriously. The look on the other girls’ faces is now my new screen saver. WTF lady?
And then it was over, right?
Pssssst. Abby.
You forgot Mackenzie, who busted out the best/worst pouty face I’ve ever seen.
Psych.
A Puppy! And then everyone when completely PuppySpaz. Because that’s what happens when you pull a redoinkulously cute puppy out of a box. Try it.
And then it was really over.
Abby gave presents to everyone and proved that maybe…maybe…she ain’t all that bad.
It was truly a Miracle on Saltsburg Road.
Which is easily accessible by both Turnpike and Parkway in case you want to swing by and buy a pillow case. They’re probably on sale through New Years.
Happy Holidays, everyone.
See you in January.
Kisses.
