I must have missed the memo during my video shoot. When did Blondie get her own talk show?
Girl…I’m not one to gossip, but let’s just say somebody was giving away candy in the 6th grade.
No. Srsly. You’ve got about three seconds to finally ask me one question or Imma gon’ flip this chair.
Laquifa What…? Not another Girl Party. Somebody please stuff me or get me outta here right now.
This is my ‘You All Wish I Was Coming Back To This Crazy Show’ Face. Wanna see another one?
No…really. Over here. I’m not joking. I’m being serious. How many fingers am I holding up?
Somebody better bring me some ice cream before I start throwing down with Audrey Hepburn.
Uh oh.
Honey, I shrunk the Dance Moms.
All of ‘em. Or at least I think that’s what happened, because everyone looks a lot smaller than they did at the last Reunion Special.
Turns out it was a Mom-Free Zone in the ALDC Clubhouse this week as only the tiny dancers were allowed inside for some Girl Talk. Party dresses. sparkly stuff and bubble gum scented lip gloss as far as the eye could see. But No Moms.
And definitely No Boys.
Which, according to Maddie, was because they were all over at Brooke‘s house trying to score a little sumthin sumthin. But more on that one later. Getting ahead of myself.
You know I have a love/hate relationship with these fluffy filler shows. I prefer more MomMeat on the bone, thank you. But it’s been a long time since I’ve gone to an all-girls sleepover, so I thought it might be fun to tip back a few juice boxes, channel my inner tweeny bop and talk about how OMG dreamy that One Direction boy is.
And you know which one I’m talking about.
My man Jeff Collins got the show started in his patented, uncomfortably charming Andy Cohen-wannabe way. But without a tie this time. Because you don’t wear a tie to a Girl Party. Duh. That would be totes magotes lame.
Since this was a Girls-Only situation, Jeff wasn’t even allowed in the same camera shots as the dancers. Rules are rules. So he was off somewhere else introducing each segment in front of a backdrop that was nothing but pink shelves and a million bottles of booze. I swear. Go back and look.
Didn’t anyone else think that was odd? Or hilarious? Or both? I know the Moms like their vino, but I’m pretty sure they don’t bring it to their kids’ birthday parties.
The way this thing was going to go down was that Jeff would ask random questions that had come in over the internet and then the girls would answer.
Side note: The fact that Twitter almost crashed when everyone in America immediately started tweeting out questions for the girls made me question the future of our country.
They’re not sitting their live on Skype, honey. It was like when there’s a Facebook contest and everyone starts posting things without reading the rules. Stop it. I mean it.
Maddie, Chloe and Sasha Nia were the first out in the IKEA hot seats, sitting in front of what I imagined the Mattel Barbie trade show booth must look like during the International Toy Fair. Part of me wondered if maybe Jeff was just on the other side filming his parts.
Q. Maddie/Chloe: Are you two rivals? Some flashbacks with THE tiniest little Maddies And Chloes evah. I forgot how much they’ve grown up. I think they are both still friends, even though there were a few moments of exceptionally uncomfortable Snark between them that was pretty impressive for their young ages.
Q. Chloe: Does it bug you that Maddie is the favorite? Chloe stated that she needed to accept the fact that she was Numero Dos, which then led into a flashback of that infamous scene where she actually beat Maddie for about ten minutes before Abby went to the judges table and got the scores adjusted. Watching Chloe hand over the First Place trophy like she was returning a baby to its birth mother still makes me sad.
When they cut back to the girls just staring at each other on the set, Nia was all like ’Guurrrrrrlllll Glad that wasn’t me.’ Snap. How can you not love Nia?
Q. Maddie: Have you ever been yelled at by Abby? Some rambling about not having a solo for three whole weeks and then a flashback to Abby telling her not to cry. For a simple yes or no question, it took her awhile to spit out the answer.
Cut back to Nia pointing out that three weeks ain’t the end of the world, sistah. To which Maddie responded with a snooty ‘Now I know how Nia feels.’ Yikes.
Needless to say, Jeff immediately jumped to the next question before Nia went all Laquifa on Maddie’s Breakfast At Tiffany’s head.
If you read that one a couple more times you’ll realize it’s hilarious.
Q. Maddie: How’z about that time the music stopped during your dance? This one was pretty self explanatory. They showed a clip of that time Maddie’s CD got all wonky in the middle of her routine. Since I wasn’t really paying attention I almost called Xfinity to find out why the sound on my television kept cutting in and out. The Audio Guy trying to wipe the disc clean on his sleeve was pretty professional.
Q. Maddie/Chloe: Your favorite duet? The ‘Black Swan.’ It was Chloe’s favorite because she got to be the Bad Girl. And kill Maddie. So there was that awkward moment right before the two girls high-fived each other and left Nia hanging.
Q. Why the hell is Nia even on the set and when are you gonna ask her a question? She’s a Diva, dammit. Apparently no one had an answer for that one.
Next up was Payton, who kicked Maddie out of her seat and then chilled on the set with Chloe and Nia. Jeff assured us that Maddie would return, just in case the entire country was going to change the channel because there were no Zieglers on the screen.
Q. Payton. Seriously. Why do you keep coming back? I think I asked that one about two years ago and still haven’t gotten a straight answer.
Then there was a long discussion on Drag Queens and flashbacks to all the lady boys that Abby keeps parading through the studio. Like a RuPaul montage. And it was awesome.
Watching Nia lose her nutty when Shangela Laquifa Wadley did her first Death Drop in front of the girls is still probably the best 3 1/2 seconds of the entire series. It should be required viewing if you’re ever in a bad mood. I’m surprised those two gigantic yellow hair things she was wearing didn’t pop off like Nerf balls.
We got to relive Nia learning how to drop it like it’s hot with both Shangela and then later in the ‘Pumps’ dance. Holly had her old school marm hair, but she was still a proud Mama in the audience that day. If we’d only known back then that Dr. Beyoncé was just lurking in the shadows waiting to strike.
Soon. Soon…
When we cut back to real time, the three girls were exceptionally hyper and totally left Payton hanging on a high-five. There was a lot of that going on this week.
Q. What girl hasn’t been hurt? I think they meant ‘physically.’ Everyone’s had their share of dings and doinks, but Chloe seemed to be the one who stayed in one piece the longest according to the Blooper Reel of trips and falls and backward whatevers into face plants. That’s gonna leave a mark.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Remember those few months when Mama V hadn’t quite gotten a handle on her new hair? Because that totally happened again in a couple of flashbacks. Blonde Jill was back. With a vengeance. But no Bump-It.
Luckily my MomCrush is on point nowadays. Whacky as ever and Jacking it to Jesus again. (FYI…No disrespect. That’s Pageant Mom talk for big hair.) Love. Her.
Don’t forget. When my Christmas club saving account matures, we’re all hitting the Mall, Girlfriend. Can’t wait to see Holly’s hair du jour when Sears gets ahold of her.
Q. Payton: What’s the dealio on that broken ankle? I don’t think we’ll ever know what really happened that time a chair mysteriously jumped out in front of Payton, busting up her foot right before a competition. It’s the stuff of urban legends. But we got to see my new friend Leslie lose her s*** again, so it was totally worth a flashback.
Q. Srsly? The show is half over and not one Nia question yet? Laquifa WTF?
And then Chloe either got really big really fast, or Mackenzie and Asia are a lot smaller than I realized, because the two of them looked almost bite-sized when they came out on the set. Dat’s rite. Asia Monet Ray was back in the hizzle. And wired for sound as she gave AsiaFace and AsiaEyebrow and AsiaPouty Lips all over the room.
Baby she was born this way.
Q. Mackenzie/Asia: Are you friends? What’s your favorite dance, Asia? We got to see their sassy duet and then watch Miss Monet Ray go all Mr. Roboto. Werk.
Not gonna lie. Knowing that my girl Kristy Ray must have been somewhere in the building got me a little worked up. Let’s Go! Hit Me!
Q. Mackenzie: What’s your favorite part about Dance Moms? The singing.
Wait. What?
Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t this a show about dancing?
Whatev. Roll MackZ‘s new gangstah Girl Party music video.
I’m almost positive that none of these girls can drive yet, so they clearly used fake IDs to get into that VIP Ballon Lounge. Trust me, if you’re already dealing with high blood sugar levels, I’m not sure if this video is really for you. But it’s a definitely a Girl Party, fo’ sho.
Na Na Na Na Na Na.
Back to the set and a triple high-five. And they all made contact.
Then we smoothly transitioned from all that madness back to Chloe, Maddie and Nia for the Hyland Memorial Service.
Q. Your favorite Brooke Moment? Favorite Paige Moment? Hold up. I know they left the show. I remember that part. But unless someone is illegally posting stuff on their Instagram accounts I’m pretty sure that both Brooke and Paige are still alive.
I’m glad they included the Hyland girls in the retrospective, because they were a big part of making this show what is today. They actually gave them a pretty big chunk of time. We got to see a whole bunch of Hyland clips, including Brooke touching her head to her butt and then using those same skills to break the hearts of every boy in Pittsburgh.
When Chloe mentioned that Brooke stole her first kiss back in the 8th grade, Maddie was quick to point out (…in the same way a gossipy old woman sitting on the front stoop in the middle of July would do…) that Brooke was actually locking lips in the 6th grade.
Ooooh, girl. Ya nasty. Hand me my fan. Lawd, it’s hot out here.
We flashbacked to that dorky kid Brandon trying to put some killer moves on Brooke at the State Fair and then to that other dorky kid Kevin shoving pie in her face during a romantic night on the town.
Boyz. Go figure. And then go die single, please.
The girls finished up their Ode to the Hylands by remembering ‘The Last Text’ dance.
Maybe I just watch too many soap operas, but I hope somebody eventually told Chloe that the car accident wasn’t real and that Paige was still alive, because the way she sobbed about never being able to have her dream double wedding now made me think Chloe’s been putting flowers on the wrong grave for the last few months.
If Kelly was watching this at home I bet she even got up to check their bedrooms.
Better safe than sorry.
And then Kendall finally came out. But just long enough to get subtly slammed by Maddie (…“I thought Nia would get the cover of the magazine, not you”…) and show us all how her Mom puts on lipstick while driving when she should have both hands on the steering wheel. They didn’t give Kendall much time to shine this week.
Q. Kendall: Your favorite dance? The duet with Maddie.
Q. Chloe: How do you like hosting your own talk show? And what was your favorite dance? I forget what the answers were, because they showed Vivi-Anne eating in the audience during a flashback and my head exploded.
Which made for the best transition ever.
When the angels sang. And the heavens opened up.
And Vivi-Anne arrived.
It’s true. Maddie, Chloe and fan favorite Vivi-Anne closed the show. Shut. It. Down.
Q. How does Cathy’s kid not have her own show yet?
I love me some Vivi-Anne. But I couldn’t remember if I’d ever actually heard her speak before, so I was on the edge of my seat waiting to see what was going to happen when she didn’t have a mouthful of tasty dessert.
First she did tricks. Like raising one eyebrow. And then made some faces, I think.
Chloe lobbed a few softball questions at her, like you might do to someone who had just come out of an extended coma.
Q. What is your name? Do you know where you are? What year is it? (I’m kinda lying, but not really. This segment had to be seen to be believed.)
I could literally watch Vivi-Anne eat ice cream all afternoon. I’ll bet you anything that under that stuffy nose and slo-mo head turn is the sharpest tack in the box. When she takes over, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Q. What was the highlight of being on this show for you?
Vivi-Anne: Something was mumbled about her Mom and craft services.
Maddie: Winning. Duh. Like Charlie Sheen, I guess.
Chloe: Being in the LUX Music Video.
I remember that! Cue the video.
As LUX and Mini-LUX danced dangerously close to a wall of gigantic industrial fans, the show came to a close. Girl Talk was over.
Q. Really? Without out one stinking question for Nia?
It’s been quite a ride so far. Three and a half seasons in and the Dance Moms Train shows no sign of slowing down.
The old Team is hanging on. The new Team is nipping at their heels.
While some things change, others stay the same.
For now, everyone’s taking a quick breather to rinse out some leotards and put away the party dresses. Maybe even do some homework or clean their rooms for once.
But Dance Moms will be back before you know it. Don’t you worry.
Raise your hands if you already can’t wait.
