Entertainment Magazine

Dance Moms: Get Used To It, Because Nothing’s Fair In Downtown Abby. It’s The New And The Old And The Inner.

By Danthatscool @DanScontras

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Yo. Don’t Be Tardy for the Girl Party. NaNaNaNaNaNaNa.

 

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Really?

 

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Hi. Yeah. Just a quick reminder that it’s The International Year Of The Nia.

 

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What? Yeah, I got a Flashback. ‘Choo lookin’ at, Punk?

 

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So now I have no stress in my life and it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere. Boom.

 

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Don’t get me started today. Seriously.

 

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I’m just saying put those fingers down or I’ll be wiping the floor with your face.

 

Welcome to Downtown Abby.

Or Abbyville, as the locals call it.  Where the feet are sickled and nothing is fair.

Two episodes later and the Dance Moms were still trying to figure out how to deal with the collateral damage created by SlapGate.

Kelly & Co. were gone from The Team.  Christi was moping around the ALDC lockers like she had just lost her Pep Squad Bestie right before Homecoming.  And wannabe Mom Kira was hard at work figuring out the fastest way to snag that empty seat up in the MomPerch before the body was even cold.

Yes.  It was a sad day in Abbyville.  There was a somber darkness hanging over the Abby Lee Dance Company building this week.  A cloud over head.  And potholes down below.

Still with the potholes.

What’s it gonna take to get those filled in?  They probably spend more money replacing rims and realigning their front tires every season.  I don’t get it.

But I digress.

What better time to start an episode out in sunny Los Angeles?  Where everything is bright and shiny and auto tuned.

Before we even hit The Pyramid of Shame this week, we were in LA with MackDaddy Mackenzie and her posse as she got ready to lay down beatz for her upcoming tweeny bop cd.  I don’t think it has an actual working title yet, even though Abby kept referring to it as I’m Gonna Be Way Bigger Than That Girl Whose Mom Is A Bitch.

Mom Melissa was there.  And Maddie, who clearly only tagged along because she had some kind of gig of her own going down in the City of Angels.

Abby was noticeably vague about what the older Ziegler was really up to on the West Coast and would only refer to it as ‘a job’…which basically covered everything from coffee shop waitress to opening a one woman show at the Kodak Theater.  So who knows.

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But it must have been important, because she and Mom were out the door before the back up track even started.  You’re on your own, Mack-Z.

The studio reminded me of one of those tiny recording booths on the Boardwalk where you go in and make a cassette tape of yourself singing the theme from Titanic while they’re cooking your curly fries next door.

The guy in charge of the place seemed nice enough in his GAP henley, even though he appeared to be a little overly moisturized and had that IsThisReallyMyLife? kind of look on his face when Mackenzie started her riff.

Don’t be jealous of her boogie.  Cuz I know you were.  I was.

Take an old episode of My Little Pony.  The one where Rainbow Dash has a sleepover.  Add in the theme song from Batman.  The 1960′s one.  Not the Val Kilmer one.  And then have an animated Disney bunny sing it while Hello Kitty plays double dutch with a magic unicorn that poops sparkles every time he jumps.

NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa…Girrrrl Party!

There were some major issues with focus and energy which caused the entire production to shut down for a break after the first four 8 counts.  And then some serious pep talks.  But all that really mattered was that Abby stole some of Jill‘s best Award Presentation MomDance moves and raised the roof like she had just won big at Bingo.

Yes.  Her milkshake could definitely bringing sumthin to the prison yard this week.

Since we had already eaten up so much valuable time in LA, the actual Pyramid was dealt with pretty quickly once everyone (…minus Maddie…) made it back to Pittsburgh.

Bottom row was all about Nia, Kendall and Kalani.  Never skimp on the Butt Glue.  That’s all I have to say on the matter.

The middle tier was  held down by Chloe and Mackenzie.  Chloe continued to have issues with her face.  Or lack thereof.  Poor little thing is taking a beating this season.  Which is odd, considering that in all her Instagram photos Chloe is always smiling and fish facing and peace signing like she’s the happiest kid in the world.  And that’s not creepy at all that I know her Instagram account.

Mackenzie got major props just for carrying around a giant box of candy in last week’s group routine, which is basically something I do on a daily basis with no acknowledgement whatsoever.  So there’s that, I guess.

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And then Maddie was on top.  Jill tried to act surprised, but her face didn’t move anymore than Chloe’s did.  We love Jill.

This week the gang was headed to Fort Wayne, Indiana for another appearance at the Masters of Dance Competition.  Mackenzie, Kalani and Chloe all scored solos, but Abby still needed someone to play the role of Maddie while she was out in LA doing Top Secret government intel.

So you know what that means.  Say it with me:  Dance Off!

Which they used to do all the time on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.  Which is another reason why sometimes I don’t even know what show I’m watching.  Honestly, there are some nights when they’ve swapped dancers back and forth so many times and done the same shtick on one show that they already did on another one so many times that I’m half way through Kim of Queens before I realize Dance Moms ended 30 minutes ago.  I’m not even making that part up.

The Moms voted.  The kids voted.  And then somehow they picked a winner.

Kendall was now the New Maddie, whatever that meant, and everyone got to rehearsing.

Right away, Abby wanted Chloe to find her Inner Maddie.

Old Maddie.  New Maddie.  And now Inner Maddie.  That’s three Maddies already if you’re keeping track.  It’s getting a little Children of the Corn in here.

Up in the MomPerch, Christi got a cell phone ring from Kelly that I mistakenly believed to be her one call from prison until they cleared things up for me.  My bad.  Kelly didn’t need bail money…just lunch.

Somehow Kira managed to sneak herself an invite, even though she was a big part of the reason Kelly had lost her nutty on Abby in the first place back on that fateful day.  But Kira really wanted to meet Kelly when she wasn’t slapping stuff around.  And if she could try the breadsticks at that new restaurant at the same time?  Score.

So everyone headed out to lunch.

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Christi and Kelly got there first and politely began eating before anyone else showed up.  Nice.  No wonder the host sat them in one of those deserted Real Housewives back rooms where the rest of the patrons wouldn’t get stabbed in the neck with a fork.

By the time everyone else arrived, it was pretty clear that when NBC decides to film a new version of The Golden Girls in 2040 that these women all need to be contacted and immediately signed up for the reboot.

Trust me.  They are gonna make THE best crazy old ladies.  Holly squealed and ran in all wrapped up in her pashmina scarf.  Melissa had a crazy twitch going on in her eye that started a few episodes ago.  Kira gave Kelly THE best, most wimpiest fish slap handshake evah and then sat across the table mouthing ‘You’re A Bitch’ and stuffing warm breadsticks in her purse.  And Jill?  She just wanted dirt.

But Kelly couldn’t talk.  Gag order.  And the fact that at least two of the waitresses were probably on the TMZ payroll.  So I guess we’ll have to wait for the deets.

With two days to go before the competition, Maddie was finally back from WhoKnowsWhere and ready to steal the spotlight back from Kendall.

The group routine was  a confusingly dark Witch from Snow White serving up Poison Apple Realness kind of thing, where none of the Moms could tell who had the lead anymore.  Maddie had also apparently brought the red apple back from Los Angeles, because it suddenly appeared out of nowhere when she shoved it in Kalani’s face.

The MomPerch was buzzing, I tell you.  Buzzing and chewing.  Clearly, somebody bought a whole new pack of gum this week because half the Moms had so much Juicy Fruit in their mouths that I thought they were hiding stuff up in there.

Even with a mouthful, though, Melissa did manage to blurt out that nobody on the Team could ever beat Maddie.  Ouch.  Not cool.

Sidenote:  Abby tried to teach Kalani how to eat an entire apple in one gigantically wet bite and now I have to sleep with a nightlight.  Thanks for that.

In probably the oddest moment of the episode (…if it was actually possible to pick just one, I mean…) Abby made it all the way up to the Mom Perch to let them know that she knew that they had gone to lunch with Kelly.

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I know, right?  Who knew?  Turns out that her own Mom had spies in the food service industry all these years.

There was also some major Twitter buzz about Kira’s face in one of her interview blips, but I really can’t handle SlapGate and MoleGate in the same post.  Was it there?  Was it gone?  Was it covered in makeup?

Really?  Why aren’t you kids doing homework?  It’s a Tuesday night.

Finally, it was Showtime!  After a long, stressful bus ride that is, where we learned that Christi may (…or may not…) have dinged someone’s car door back at the ALDC and then pleaded poverty to get out of a pending law suit.

I dunno.  That one came out of nowhere.  No.  Where.

Back in the makeup room, Abby was giving Mackenzie yet another pep talk about energy and face and channeling her Inner Asia during her solo.

Oh.  Hellz.  Yeah.  Miss Asia Monet Ray in the flashback hizzle!  Between the booty pops and the earlier improv dance off, I didn’t know which end was up this week.  All I knew was that I missed Kristie Ray so much that I went next door just to slap somebody before I went to bed.

Slept like a baby, by the way.  Try it tonight.

Chloe’s solo went great.  I swear she’s still getting taller every week.

Backstage, Maddie cornered Kalani in a scene that had to be seen to be believed.  I think it was supposed to be a coaching moment of some sort, telling her to use all three of her KalaniFaces on stage, but it ended up coming across like some head cheerleader telling a rookie to not f*** up the scores by falling off the top of the pyramid.

Clearly, Kalani had already been coached by her Mom to not choke any of the other kids until they were guaranteed a spot on the Team, because she just went ‘DUH‘ and then turned her back on Maddie before she knocked all the Los Angeles outta her head.

Oh, snap.

By the time Mackenzie hit the stage, I figured we had seen it all for this week.

Wrong.

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Her crazy jumps and flips loosened up her little wiglet hairpiece so much that it popped off her head and slammed onto the stage like she was throwing down in some Walmart parking lot.

Dat’s rite.  Tumbleweave.  Blowing across that dusty stage.

But she’s a trooper and kept on jumping and flipping like it was nothing, and eventually the big wad of curls on the ground looked less like Chick Fight and more like Star Trek Tribble.

Spock, pleez.

After the performance, Abby headed out back to throw the wiglet onto the floor and go a few rounds with Jill.  I guess Dance Offs don’t guarantee you nuthin’ no mo’.

Finally, the group number hit the stage.  It went well, but all I could focus on was the woman behind Abby wearing a really whacked out QVC sweater with a big owl face on it.

Just.  Whoa.

Which rhymes with NO.

When it was all said and done, let’s be honest.  Nothing really happened this week.

Mackenzie got First Place.  Kalani got First Place.  Chloe got Second Place.  And the group pulled in First Place.

(Beating out ‘Ghetto Superstars,’ by the way, whoever they were.  That was really a name for a kid’s group.  Really.  Gah…how much do I love this show?)

For one last hurrah, Abby came back into the makeup room carrying one of those foam core Publisher’s Clearing House checks and screamed at the Moms a few more times.

And then it was over.

Now it was back to Pittsburgh, where the Moms were going to have to figure out whether they were dedicated to Kelly or to the ALDC.

Because you can’t have it both ways in Abbyville.

Those are the rules.

And if you don’t like it…bite me.

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