I’ll have you know that in a number of countries jiggly Arm Fat is considered a delicacy. So suck it.
This is your pilot Abby speaking. In the event of a crash, I only brought one damn parachute for Maddie. So good luck with that.
Seriously? Already? This bitch is just lucky I’m wearing strapless today or I’d be all up in that ratty Bump-It.
OhNoSheDin’t. Hold on to yo’ weave, girls. My mama ’bout to Shut. It. Down.
Oh. My. Gawd. You guys were so right. Hurtful fat jokes ARE hilarious.
Twerkin’ in my backward pants. Haters still gonna hate, mmmkay?
I’m about to put someone’s face on backwards if they keep trash talkin’ my baby. Do we really wanna do this when I’m still jet lagged?
I tell you.
Sometimes I don’t know which is more exhausting.
Actually being on the show Dance Moms, or just watching it from home.
Between the screaming and the yelling and the storming out and storming right back in again like you forgot something, on top of all the crying and packing and unpacking and repacking all while declaring that you’re soooo over it, it never seems to end for these people. Never.
And that doesn’t even take into account any actual dancing.
Because sometimes they still do that.
Like this week at the annual ALDC Recital.
Abby Lee Miller‘s big once a year danceapalooza where you and all your screaming, giggling BFFs get to spend all your parent’s hard earned allowance money on tickets to finally see the full dances that they wouldn’t broadcast on television.
Or something like that. I think that’s how it works.
Plus you get to see all the ALDC dancers, not just the TV ones. That means the little preemies who just kind of wobble around pretending they are flowers, all the way up to the Big Dawg troupe with that kid who threw a pie in Brooke‘s face.
But not before the Pyramid of Shame, of course.
As everyone marched into the studio for the big reveal, all that really mattered was that Kristie and Asia were back.
Insert your Happy Dance here: ___________________.
Since JLo and I are tight I already knew that she would be back this week, so I had proactively moved all my furniture out of the way to allow for a much bigger somersault in my living room. Love. Her.
…And that West Coast Realness she was serving them bitches.
Trust me. Nothing says ‘LA’ like a palazzo pants ensemble with one of those strapless tops that chicks always keep tugging on when they get ready to throw down.
Yeah. Asia definitely gets her from her Mama.
And I love me some crazy Jill, too. She really tries. But the poor thing doesn’t stand a chance when she’s next to JLo.
Kristie always looks like she just had lunch with Lisa Vanderpump before flying back to Pittsburgh. Which unintentionally makes Jill look like she’s wearing every single markdown purchase she made at the mall today all at the same time because every store ran out of shopping bags.
Anyway. Bottom row of the Pyramid was nothing but Paige, Brooke, Kendall and Nia.
The usual.
I’m fairly certain this was done just to push Mom Kelly‘s buttons. And it worked, because she blew yet another nutty. Which was kind of like last week’s nutty, but different than next week’s, I’m going to assume.
Honestly, I don’t know what’s up with that woman anymore. She’s never happy.
Sometimes I think the producers are actually just splicing in the same hissy fit each week, because nothing ever really changes. Something about favoritism and her daughter’s getting shafted. Again.
Rinse & Repeat.
As Maddie did some pushups for no reason other than to shut Kelly up, the middle row was revealed to be Asia, Chloe and Maddie, which tossed the nutty ball into Jill’s lap.
Jill couldn’t understand why Asia was hanging on the second tier this week when she had been completely MIA for last week’s competition. Jill then tag-teamed Kelly back up into the ring and everyone screamed some more.
Kristie tugged on her top and suggested that maybe the other Moms should stop selling bracelets at Meet & Greets and get their kids back into rehearsal. ’ Nuff said?
Mackenzie made it to the top of the Pyramid while Asia was out of town. We’ll just leave it at that and move on.
It’s been well documented over the last few seasons that the annual ALDC Recital is pretty much the most stressful week of the year. For Abby. For the kids. For the Moms. And for most of the viewers. And this year’s extravaganza seemed to be heading down the same highway.
Everyone was doing a solo. Everyone was in a bazillion other group routines. Everyone had more costume changes than Cher. And as an added bonus, Paige was given a squeaky clean brand new solo to perform and sister Brooke was even asked to sing her famously auto-tuned youtube hit “Summer Love.”
Score for both the Hyland girls, right? You’d think.
Pick any random KellyFit and stick it right here, because she flipped out again. Too much pressure. Not fair. Not fair when the kids get nothing. Not fair when they get everything.
Before Kelly’s head popped off her shoulders, Abby announced that in the midst of all the hilarity the girls would also be participating in a photo shoot to determine the winner for the digital cover of Dance Track Magazine. The first ever Kid On The Cover issue.
Squeals of excitement.
Up in the MomPerch, Kelly continued to complain about all the good things that had just been handed to her daughters until even Jill was all like WTF, Girlfriend? Why are you never happy, woman?
We even got a flashback to last year’s recital when Kelly blew a 2012 KellyFit and pulled her kids from the entire production at the last minute.
In case you forgot, it was the scene where she went back to her car to sulk and Melissa did that uncomfortable Baywatch run out to the parking lot to find out what was going on. Could have lived without seeing that one again.
As Abby tweaked all the solos in rehearsal, it became clear early on that Paige did not want to do a new routine. She wanted to do an old one like everyone else, so you just knew that this was not gonna end well.
When they weren’t splicing in random KellyFits, I think they snuck in a few of last year’s Christi eye rolls and pissy faces, because Chloe’s Mom was definitely not in a good mood. At all.
Even her hair was having a bad week. Did you see that? What was that all about?
As the recital grew closer it was time for the technical rehearsal, which always gives me life because Abby gets to wear that clunky NFL coach headset and walk back and forth like she’s on the 20 yard line at the Super Bowl. She even gathered the team together for one last locker room pep talk.
Did anyone else find it odd that Abby was standing closer to the girls backstage than she normally does in the studio, and yet she felt it necessary to wear a disconnected headset and address them all with a second hand held microphone? From 2 feet away?
I’m no Emmy winning sound technician, but I’m pretty sure they can hear you.
Instead of just handing Maddie the new solo that Paige wanted to bail on, Abby messed with everyone’s heads until Kelly blew her final nutty of the week and dragged her daughters out of the recital. Again. Just like last year.
Seriously. That lady pays more money for her kids to never do anything. I swear.
And how about how Abby always screams for someone to call the cops every time somebody gets (bleeped) out? I guess there can’t be much crime in Pittsburgh if it’s that easy to find a cop just hanging out waiting for some Soccer Moms to go all ghetto on each other.
A special Snark of the Week Award has to go to my idol JLo. Not only did she publicly thank Mackadoodle for keeping Asia’s seat warm while they were out of town, but Kristie also compared Kelly’s annual abandonment of the the ALDC Recital to getting your tires rotated.
Oh. Snap. She went there. Girrrrl…you nasty.
Just in time for the recital, the girls all got fancy new warm-up jackets and shorts. Free of Charge. All they had to do was was pose a little and let Abby pimp them out as free sandwich boards on the streets of Pittsburgh, because advertising ain’t cheap. Enjoy.
At some point in the chaos we also got to see Jill rehearse a tango routine that she and her arm fat would be performing at the recital. Don’t ask.
There was barely enough time to scoot all the girls over to the Dance Track photo shoot, where they portrayed different dancing school age superhero characters. Like if Disney had invented the Spice Girls. Sorta, but not really.
Werk.
Finally, it was Showtime!
But first…the unveiling of the new Dance Track cover girl: Kendall.
I know, right? Take that.
Everyone rocked their solos. Maddie’s angry tap dancing housewife apron stayed on this time. Chloe spun around so fast she temporarily reversed the Earth’s gravitational pull. Kendall flipped herself around that stage like I don’t know what. And Nia brought SashaNia back for an encore. Boom Boom Pow.
Even Asia’s first ALDC dance recital solo was a fierce a** calypso two snap mess you up booty shakin’ thang, all strutted to sassy perfection in pants that were on backwards.
Yeah. That kinda happened. Whoops.
But honestly, her choreography was so tight that the only people who should have noticed were Abby and people who specialize in little girl dance pants.
(Clearly, that wasn’t supposed to sound as creepy as it did once I typed it.)
So no biggie on the pants. She killed it.
Maddie busted out her new solo, which was pretty much the same one from her guest appearance on the upcoming new season of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.
Coming soon to a television screen near you.
See? I do pay attention. Now stop promoting it every week or I swear I’ll boycott.
MackaWhacka had a momentary meltdown and thought she had forgotten her entire routine due to some sugar-induced seizure or something, but she got on stage and it all came back to her. False alarm.
There was also a Piggly Wiggly grocery cart just sitting around backstage. No clue how Abby dragged that thing all the way across town, because the wheels lock up when you hit the curb. And no clue why I felt like I had to mention it.
Jill and her arm fat hit the stage with her friend Jimmy and some other woman to kinda sorta tango around the stage a little.
Oh, Jill.
It was a bit like that first week of Dancing With The Stars when everyone sucks mixed with a Thursday night at the Ramada when all the girls from the back office go out and drunk dance on the carpet because their feet hurt.
But Jill makes me smile. And it wasn’t Gangnam Style. So that was a plus.
Christi and Melissa even rushed the stage and plopped a tiara on Jill’s head for no reason whatsoever during her curtain call, and I kind of think Jimmy thought it was for him because he looked a little disappointed when they ignored him.
Maybe next time, big guy.
They finished it off with a new group routine which was a Broadway sumthin sumthin that started out in flasher trench coats like they all do and ended up with nothing but jazz hands and flips.
Everyone was happy, and 1300 screaming girls started posting crap on Facebook before the houselights even came back up.
Backstage, there was very little drama beyond another discussion regarding Kelly’s exit and the whole BackwardPantsgate controversy.
Asia eventually fessed up to putting on her own pants without checking the tag, and everyone was happy.
Except Christi. She’s never happy lately.
And Kelly, where ever she was. And Brooke and Paige, because they had to miss yet another recital.
Ok. Maybe not everyone was happy.
But at least Dance Moms had some dancing in it this week. That’s good, right?
Enjoy it while you can.
Next week looks to be a big ol’ Candy Apples Black Patsy hot mess.
I’m ready. You ready?
Let’s Go!
