Dance Moms: Ease On Down, Girl! It’s Finally Brynn’s Big Moment…So You Know We’re Not In PA Anymore, Toto.

OMG. They’re all literally looking at me like nobody’s ever seen anyone with a brain before.

Hate to burst your bubble, ladies, but I’m a big girl now. I don’t need anyone babysitting me.

I’m telling you, she either gets outta my face right now or I’m dropping a house on her so hard…

All you have to do is sickle your lazy feet three times and say ‘Get me the hell back to Pittsburgh.’

It totally sucks. But remember when it’s all over…the Lion ends up being King of the Forest, ‘kay?

Sorry, Dorothy, but I got nothing in my bag of tricks that can fix this mess. You’re on your own.

I probably shouldn’t have thrown that milk bottle, because now I can’t get the baby to stop crying.

Toto?

What the–?

I don’t think we’re in Pennsylvania anymore.

Actually…

Never mind.  I know we’re not.

Because this place is even crazier than Pittsburgh on a good day.

Dat’s rite, Dorothy.  Dance Moms went Over The Rainbow and straight into rush hour traffic this week with an episode full of guest stars, returning favorites and enough Mama Drama to send anyone screaming back to Kansas.

So let’s do this, shall we?

As the team pulled up into the ALDC LA parking lot to start the show, everyone was jumping up and down with excitement to see that new Mom Kira had finally returned to the studio after 3 months of maternity leave.

Everyone except Ashlee, of course, who was more like…

…but without the cocktail, because it was still early.

After spending the last 12 weeks at home with her ridiculously cute newborn baby boy Jett (…Spoiler Alert:  While Melissa may or may not have been happily keeping an eye on Kalani for free…) Kira was back at the ALDC, despite vowing to never return as long as Ashlee remained on the premises.

But Kira was back.  Because her kid wanted to be there.

Which…FYI…is a line that every Dance Mom is contractually obligated to utter at least once a season, along with “I’m Done!” and “I swear Abby has lost her damn mind.”

True Fact:  I’ve read the fine print.  It’s in there.

Even Abby Lee Miller appeared happy to see Kira arrive as she ran out to greet the new Mom, bearing a gift bag that appeared to be just random giraffe parts shrink-wrapped up the same way Macy’s does their cosmetic sets on the weekend before Mother’s Day.

Not to be gross, but it looked exactly like a baby giraffe does when it’s born, right before it drops out and the water sac breaks.  Am I right?

Maybe it’s an LA Thing.

Regardless, that kid’s gonna be in his second year of Law School before Kira gets all those stuffed animals untangled.  But it’s the thought that counts, I guess.

So thank you, Miss Abby.  XO

My MomCrush Jill was exceptionally happy to see Kira show up, because if Kira could bully Ashlee a little bit…more power to her.

Side note:  I don’t know what editors Jill pissed off this season, but they aren’t cutting her any slack.  Lawd.  And I know what the haters are gonna say…so please don’t bother.

There’s chatrooms for that kind of stuff, thank you.

I love all the Moms, so let’s keep it fun in here.

Plus we need to talk about how long Jill’s nails are now, anyway.  No wonder she can’t use an ATM or pick up the phone and answer my stalker calls.

Inside the studio, Abby got right to the Pyramid of Shame.  It was going to be a busy week, so there was no time to waste chit chatting and screaming.

And speaking of Pyramids.  It was backwards.

I know, right?  Stop the Madness.

Abby started at the top.  And the top row was even a 2-fer this week.  I don’t think they’ve ever done that before, have they?  Do we even want to live in a world where nothing makes sense anymore?

The Z-Team, Maddie and Mackenzie, topped the charts.  Maddie’s solo had taken First Place at last week’s competition, so her spot was a given.  And while MackZ was MIA in PA, she had beaten out 200 girls for a scholarship to who knows where.  Scholarships always make me think of Harvard, so I’m going to say that she got a full scholarship to Harvard University’s Gymnastic Program and leave it at that.

Side note:  Macka-Whacka didn’t make this #MackFace until the very last second of the episode, but it’s way too good to waste.  What The What?

 If you look real close, her eyeballs are actually on bouncy springs.

The Middle Row of the Pyramid was full of Nia, Kendall, Brynn and Kalani.  Which left JoJo all by herself at the Bottom, because Abby ran out of kids.

Q.  Is her head shrinking again or are the bows still getting bigger?

This week, the gang was headed to Xpression Dance Competition, where they’d be competing in not one…but TWO…trio performances.

Seven kids.  Two trios.

Jill did some quick calculations (…in that exact same outfit, BTW…) and realized that one girl was going to be left out of the mix, which led to THE most uncomfortable round of team picking since we had dodgeball tryouts in my 8th grade gym class.

Brynn and Maddie were chosen as captains.  If Brynn’s team won, she would finally get to become a legit member of the ALDC.  If they lost, who knows.

TeamBrynn:  Kalani and Mackenzie.

TeamMaddie:  Kendall and JoJo.

TeamHollyFace:

And…

And…

Look at that vein in her neck.

Granted, you can’t protect your child from everything.  We know that.  But that didn’t make it any easier when Nia was left standing all by herself, surrounded by friends she had known for the last 12 years while some newbie transfer from another school came in and apple-picked all her favorite dancers.

Side note:  It all works out in the end, Sasha.  Don’t you worry.  Trust me, all those dumb jocks who didn’t pick me in dodgeball are regretting their decisions now while they’re out there in the cold pumping gas and I’m home in my onesie writing a Dance Moms blog.

I swear that sounded way more motivational in my head.

#TeamNia.  #NiaNation.  #JuniorHighIssues.  #MovingOn.

Luckily, Nia would get to participate in the group dance, tho.  And it was a big production.

As in:  Commercial Production.

Turns out Abby was using a huge chunk of the week’s rehearsal time to create an elaborate Wizard of Oz-themed ‘Web Commercial’ for the ALDC, to help drive business into her new studio.

Which I guess meant that the only benefit she was seeing from those gigantic window banners they installed last week was a reduction in sun glare during the late afternoon.

And then the ‘Web Commercial’ would somehow be stretched into a group dance for the competition this weekend.  Ok.

Don’t Ask Dept.:  No clue what a ‘Web Commercial’ is, unless it’s that thing you skip after 3 seconds when you’re trying to watch a youtube video.  I’m not sure.

You should probably ask a viral video youtube star.

Like…I dunno…Todrick Hall maybe?

Boom.

Yaaaaas!  That’s rite, ToddBalls!  Todrick Hall was in the hizzle to direct the commercial!

You know Todrick.  Or you should.

There’s only one of him, tho…not four…even tho the world would probably be a happier place if there were.  But he’s only one guy from American Idol and youtube and Target and about a gazillion Disney-related whatevahs.  He’s an amazing video producer and performed with the ALDC on that ‘Freaks Like Me’ song wearing Mickey Mouse hands.

You can even check out my all-time favorite ‘Beauty and The Beat’ right here.

And don’t say I didn’t tell you so way back when.

Trivia Night:  Todrick also likes to wear LA zip codes on his head and do back flips a lot.

So there’s that, I guess.

The next day, it just got weird.

Abby took Melissa shopping for Wizard of Oz clothes (…wherever one goes to find that kind of thing…) which left the rest of the Moms unchaperoned and ready to chew on each other’s necks.

I don’t even know how it started, but all of the sudden everyone was pig piled on top of each other on the MomBleachers and screaming and swearing and accusing each other of everything but war crimes.

Jill said Kira used Melissa for free babysitting.  Jessalynn said Kira called Melissa a bad person.  Kira defended staying at home so her new baby didn’t starve while some of the Moms may or may not have tried to make her feel like she abandoned Kalani.

Side note:  I love this show.  And I love editing.  The Perfect Storm.

Because this happened.

And then Jessalynn told Kira she wasn’t the most brightest person in the room.

She said that.  Not the most brightest.  I loved Jess in her PJs last week.

And this happened, I think.  I forget.  

And then this happened.And then Kira did this, but it was plastic.Which made Holly do this.

And then this.  Or maybe it was the other way around.

And then Kira cried and Jess got up and left and was suddenly sitting back down again.

I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

Bonus Points:  For Holly when she snarked about Abby being out of the building again.

“Why even show up?  Oh, that’s right.  Because you live here.”

#AndScene.

Thankfully, the next day came around fast and we got some relief with the filming of the ‘Web Commercial.’  And let me tell you that thing went up in the Twister and landed smack down in the middle of CrazyTown so fast I dunno what happened.

While Abby was getting her makeup done…

…the rest of the girls were busy getting into character.

There was a Scarecrow, a Good Witch and a Cowardly Diva Lion.

A sassy Tin Man and fierce Wicked Witch.And even Toto, too.

Which is actually the iconic Mouse Dance and the perfect opportunity to prove my point that…20 years later…we’re still dressing Mackenzie Boo like she’s in her first school play.

As was expected, Abby tried to take over the production a number of times.  That’s kind of her thing, you know.  And now Todrick knows it.

Look at Kendall.  Werk It, Witch.
This is totally how I lay on my desk when I finish up all my paperwork early.  Fire me.
Sup?
Did I forget to mention the part when Abby went out into the middle of the street during rush hour to stop cars so all these young children could dance in the middle of LA Freeway traffic just to pimp out her studio?  I might have.

Because that totally happened.

But the Moms weren’t having it, no matter how much Abby insisted.  Sometimes, as a parent, you have to draw the line.  Especially when it’s dotted.  And yellow.

And bumper to bumper.

So, yeah.  That didn’t happen.  But we did get to see Abby lose another screw in her head, which was fun.  And the production seemed to go well, even though the whole thing felt more like an auto showroom commercial than a dance studio.

Come on down to the ALDC!  Our prices are INSANE!

Finally, it was Showtime!

And almost out-of-time because we spent so much time screwing around with funny pictures this week.  But it was worth it, right?

For some reason, the trios were last, so first up we got to witness what was basically a 30 second spot for the ALDC run 4X to fill the time requirements of a group dance.

Ease On Down that Santa Monica Blvd., kiddos.

Both trios went really well…

…even tho Maddie fell out of a turn early and now the Apocalypse is upon us.

Look at how cute Brynn is.

Always the team player, Nia was there to support the other girls, even though they technically boned her a little bit in the first quarter of the game.

But she’s good like that.   And mature.  And raised right.

And she got to flat iron her hair like a Boss while they were all stressing out.  So #WIN.

When it was all over, the group somehow managed to slip the price of ALDC tuition into their music about 27 times and then slipped away with First Place.

Even Holly was all like…

And then Brynn’s trio beat out Maddie’s trio and now Armageddon is also upon us.

#TURNGATE?  We’ll never know.

So that meant that Brynn finally got her ALDC logo jacket and even got to wear it for a hot minute before Ashlee and Jill and a couple random strangers in the front lobby all started screaming about a set up and a rigged dance competition.

Turns out that the emcee had not only worn a stunning chapeau, but also announced the wrong NUMBERS while awarding the titles to the correct TRIOS.  Still with me?

Don’t worry about it.

Ashlee cried.  Brynn cried.  Jill kept looking at Abby’s phone even though she said the photo of the score sheets on Abby’s phone didn’t mean anything to her at all.

Kendall told Jill that Ashlee said the other Moms were mean to Brynn.  Everything was crazy and everything I just reported may have been out of sequence.

And then Ashlee took off, momentarily leaving Brynn just standing there while Melissa got all like OhHellNah I’m Not Doing Free Babysitting Again.

Then it was over.

And I’m outta here.

I gotta lay down.  This show wore me out this week.

See ya down the road a bit.