I was told this was Casual Friday, so I toned it down a bit. Normally there’s a sparkler in the bow.
Gurl, I really wish we didn’t have that new “Don’t Pick On Little Kids” rule, cuz I could totally pop off right now.
Let’s just hit these roots with a little Vidal SASSYoon and you’ll be good to go for another month.
OhMyGawd! We’re both wearing bows! OhMyGawd! We’re both wearing bows! OhMyGawd! We’re both wearing bows!
For tonight’s performance, the role of Christy Hunt will be played by Jessalynn Siwa.
I swear I close my eyes at night and I can still hear that woman’s voice in my damn head.
Can you hand me another Wet-Nap? I got some of that chick’s Krazy right in my eyeball.
Mic Check.
With apologies to Elsa and Idina, I give you the Dance Moms Fight Song:
Let it go, let it go.
Can’t hold it back anymore.
Let it go, let it go.
Turn away and slam the door.*
(*After declaring “I’m Done!” at least four times. Bonus Points for snatching up all your belongings and your kid on the way out. Or throwing a shoe.)
Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry!*
(*Because I’m saving those tears for my Olaf pillow. Duh.)
Let the storm rage on…
I could go on for days with this one, but I think you get the point.
Fix your feet and touch up those roots, kids. The ALDC is about to get Frozen.
With only one competition left before their highly hyped LA Road Trip, everyone was a little stressed as they rolled into the ALDC for this week’s assignments. No one on the team (…except Sia‘s new BFF Maddie…) was even guaranteed a seat on the plane yet, so it was important that all the Moms and not-so-tiny-anymore dancers be on their ‘A’ Game.
And being on your ‘A’ Game meant you couldn’t come in Second Place again like they had done last week. Not an option if you wanted to make it to Hollywood…and IN Hollywood.
There’s no room in First Class for First Losers, y’all.
Nia and Holly arrived first with some sad news. Nia’s grandfather was ill and even though Nia was committed to the Hollywood adventure, she wanted to let Abby know that she may have to leave LA at some point.
I love how my girl Sasha Nia has grown into her own. She can speak for herself and don’t need Mama to do her talkin’ for her, thank you very much. She explained the situation like an adult and somehow managed to accidentally unleash the Softer Side of Abby, who gave her a big hug when she started crying.
Since the Softer Side of Abby is the same side that stuffed a dog and left it laying on the couch for an entire season, I’m never really sure how I’m supposed to react when she surprises us with a moment of compassion.
But if it made Sasha feel better, than I’m all for it.
As the girls bounced into formation for the Pyramid of Shame, they were rocking new ALDC logo tops like little catalog models. Everyone except for Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo, that is, who had chosen instead to just coat herself in spray adhesive and roll around in glitter for ten minutes before reporting for duty.
Srsly. That kid.
(Spoiler Alert: I don’t know why she bothers to touch up her roots every two weeks when they’re always covered by those gigantic gift wrap bows. I really don’t. Put that money towards college. Or my blog.)
Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Nia, Kendall and Kalani. Coming in Second Place will do that to your rankings.
Maddie was in the middle with JoJo, which made my head hurt a little. Sometimes when a dancer isn’t at the previous competition they end up on the bottom, but sometimes not. I don’t really know how any of this works. There are just too many rules to the whole Pyramid thang, if you ask me.
Regardless, it meant that MackenzieBoo had not only Boom Boom Bang Banged herself into First Place at last week’s competition, but also managed to take Maddie’s spot on top of the Pyramid. MackZ in the penthouse suite, yo.
Side note: Of course JoJo’s headshot has a glitter background. Because…glitter.
Remember that baby from Toddlers & Tiaras that was always crawling around on the kitchen table wearing an “I Poop Glitter” onesie while her big sister was standing on a trash bag getting spray tanned? You just think about that for minute.
Before Abby could even assign solos, Jessalynn and Kira started in on each other over some never before addressed issue where JoJo had apparently called up the Glitter Co. CEO and requested free swag and a tote bag.
I dunno. News to me. It just kind of came out of nowhere.
Kira kinda sorta mimicked JoJo’s cartoon voice a little and got called out on it later up in the MomPerch, where the two of them went at it for a few minutes just like in the old AUDC days when they used to sit around that hot glue gun table and bark at each other.
Those were good days.
Question: So are we NOT supposed to make fun of the kids in FRONT of the kids, or can we do that now? Or is that not cool at any time? Not that I would, of course. But.
Because last week…I mean…
I swear this show has more rules than the actual competitions.
Speaking of. This week the gang was headed to Woodbridge, NJ for the World Class Talent Experience. Kendall, Maddie and JoJo all scored solos.
The group routine was going to be an icy little number based on Disney’s hit movie Frozen, because Gawd knows we haven’t had enough of Disney’s hit movie Frozen in the last 12 months. Just ask any parent who is ready to slit their own throat with the sharp edge of the Sing-A-Long DVD. Go ahead. Ask them. I’ll wait.
Up in the MomPerch, Jessalynn and Kira were still going at it, while Holly made it clear that she couldn’t teach JoJo’s Mom how to have class.
Because. School. Is. Out.
Snap. Somebody got another new pair of SassyPants for Christmas.
And then JoJo did her roots. F’realz.
Right there in the kitchen sink. Since the shock value was slightly lessened by having already seen Jessalynn go deep with the Nice ‘n Easy during an earlier episode of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, it gave me more time to snoop around the kitchen.
Did you see how many utensils and glass containers they had on the counter? If you’re only in town for a few weeks as a guest of the ALDC, why do you need so many wooden spoons? If you bought them all, that’s kind of a waste of money. And if they came with that furnished dorm apartment, that’s kind of gross.
And don’t you worry. The irony of hearing Jessalynn say “Just stay here as yourself” while she bleached her kid’s hair into a completely different color than she was born with wasn’t lost on me at all.
The next day, JoJo’s roots were as on point as her patriotic workout gear.
Because…4th of July glitter.
If I’m not mistaken, it was actually the same outfit that Patti LaBelle‘s backup dancers wore during the 1986 closing ceremony concert when they relit the Statue of Liberty. Trust me, if JoJo could have arrived at the ALDC that morning in a flying jetpack like the guy did during Liberty Weekend I’m sure she would have been all over it.
As the girls and Abby began to realize that JoJo wasn’t going to make the cut in the group routine (…pssst…there are actually 8 counts in an 8 count, sweetie…) the Moms were upstairs stressing out about Hollywood. Except for Melissa that is, who had already quadruple booked Maddie for two interviews, a TV show audition and a cruise ship christening. And my MomCrush Jill, who was off at some top secret event in Kentucky that I could only pray at some point would involve cowboy hats.
Eventually, Abby cut JoJo from the group dance and contemplated cutting her actual tongue out of her mouth when she sassed back about her Macy’s Parade costume.
Because…glitter and sass.
JoJo cried (…“I Poop AND Cry–“…) and then Abby gave the Moms a lecture on how she is the manager of all these random children.
Jessalynn declared that she had “given up a lot” to be here for these two weeks, which in an odd TV Spoiler kind of way just ruined the surprise that she and JoJo were not on next week’s Hollywood VIP List. Not to mention making me once again question why she had purchased so many spatulas.
Before they hit the road to NJ, Nia and her Dad (…why did they just tag him as ‘Nia’s Father?’ Dude has a name…) went to visit her grandfather, which made me way too sad to talk about.
And then Kira wore an Elsa braid for the first time ever. You just let it go, girl.
I mean, really. Let it go.
Finally, it was Showtime! And crazy crowd bus arrival time.
And time for the cutest little girl EVAH to go completely bazoinkers when she realized that she and JoJo were both wearing hair bows at the same time.
I know, right? OMG. Twinsies! You could totally tell she was the kind of kid who had such a high pitched scream that rivals underwater sonar. So. Cute.
Once everyone got settled into the makeup room, Gianna handed off some top secret cell phone text/email message to Abby that made her lose her marbles and JoJo got caught in the crossfire.
Innocently asking Miss Abby if she knew the order of the solos, JoJo pretty much got her eyebrows burned off when Abby flipped out on her for interrupting the adults.
I mean. Flipped. Out.
Don’t get me wrong. I’ll be the first one in line buying tickets for the Tell JoJo To Shut Up Lottery, but still. That was a bit extreme. Even by Abby/JoJo standards.
Turns out that this competition had even more rules than the Pyramid and all the other competitions combined and somehow Maddie and Kendall ended up being in the Teen Division due to birthdays, Earth’s solar alignment and who knows what else. Jill tried to explain the math, but it was way over my head.
Even the group dance was now in the Teen Division. Don’t ask.
Side note: Was Mackenzie even IN this episode?
Side note again: World Class has some of the least World Class stage lighting I’ve ever seen. The kids were either all dancing too close to the edge of the stage or WCTE is too cheap to buy spotlights. Never skimp on the lighting, people.
Maddie and Kendall’s solos were great. Not sure why Maddie was stressing out about being in the Teen Division. If she can cage fight half naked with Shia LaBeouf I’m not sure why she can’t do some toe spins in front of a 17 year old. But whatever.
JoJo’s ‘Fashion Victim’ solo was an Aqua-Net sight to behold, fo’ sho.
Backstage as the gang got ready for the group, Jessalynn tried one more time to sneak JoJo back into routine by pulling out her calculator and showing how her daughter’s birthday would drop the team back down to the Pee Wee League.
But Abby wasn’t buying what she was selling.
Yes. Dance Math is hard. But the answer was still NO.
And how about that Frozen makeup? Amazeballs. Half ice princess, half punked at school and shot in the face with a fire extinguisher, the girls definitely looked winterized. And the Moms definitely don’t make these costumes at home on the Singer anymore.
Unfortunately, crystal snowflakes or nah, they only came in Second Place. Again. Which is the second week for coming in Second Place if you’re keeping track of these things.
First Losers, one mo’ time.
Abby was not happy.
Especially when they were headed to California soon. Going to LA with no wins? Srsly?
And what about all the opportunities that Maddie has coming her way? How ’bout sharing some of that love, Abby? Yeah. Share it.
The other Moms just wanted the same attention for their daughters that Maddie and Mackenzie always receive. Understandable. Abby always says that she’s there for the whole team, but for some reason Ryan Seacrest only wants to talk with Maddie when he calls. Go figure.
You can pretty much make up the rest of the backstage arguments on your own, because you already knew where this one was headed.
JoJo was semi-cut from the LA Roadtrip. No real surprise, since we already knew how much she given up for these two weeks, right? If Jessalyn wants JoJo there, she needs to get her there on her own dime, not Lifetime’s.
(Hope you kept the Bed, Bath & Beyond receipts for some of those spoons, honey. Have you seen the price of air fare lately?)
Holly and Jill vowed to promote the glitter right out of their own kids if that’s how Abby wanted to play it now. Game On, lady.
And then it was over for this week.
Abby slammed the door. And the rest of them went home to start packing for California.
Love ‘em or hate ‘em, they’re all going to Hollywood. And I’m going with ‘em.
Because this show never bothered me anyway.
(See what I did there?)
California, here we come!
****
RIP GrandDad Andrew.
I know your grandkids are making you so proud.
