The girls said you can flip the camera lens and just look at yourself all day. This is life changing.
Someone is literally gonna have to sit on me if that new lady says one more thing about Boo’s pigtails.
I’ve never actually watched the show before. Do I kiss her ring now or how does this all work?
Please forgive me. I promise to go home and watch all the Sia videos tonight. Just don’t hurt my family.
Trust me. You’re not even worth my hair, which cost a whole lot more than that Flintstones blouse.
It’s true. I swear to Gawd. Last week when she took the hot rollers out it was like this big. No lie.
Before you make any Orange Is The New Black jokes, keep in mind that I got four lawyers on speed dial, ‘kay?
It’s true.
What they say, I mean.
Big Things do come in Little Packages.
Especially when you’re talking Diamonds. And Mama Drama.
Just ask the new ALDC Minis. About the Mama Drama part, anyway.
For such tiny little nuggets, these (…Spoiler Alert…) 5 new little girls have certainly brought along enough baggage (…both emotional and over-sized Vera Bradley…) to the party in their first month at the ALDCLA.
Or at least their Mamas have.
The kids only seem to be in charge of Big Smiles and Big Bows so far.
Spoiler Alert #2: Look at JoJo checking out the new little squirt who arrived this week, like the kid just showed up trying to start a hair bow turf war or something.
And now I’ve ruined the surprise when Mini Numero Cinco gets here. My bad.
Back to the beginning.
As we settled in for another Dance Moms episode, the Original Recipe Moms were arriving at the ALDCLA mothership, which I took to mean that everyone was going to be allowed back inside the building after last week’s lock-out.
Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: My MomCrush was hooched up (…before lunch, FYI…) in the same shiny black leather stiletto shoe booties that Nicole Scherzinger wore in one of the Pussycat Dolls music videos. I forget which one, but I think it was the one where she got really sweaty and kept putting her leg up on one of those Barre Method ballet barres.
Nicole, I mean. Even tho I can totally see Jill taking a class at Pure Barre just so she can say she takes classes at Pure Barre and then have a guilt-free Starbucks.
(I swear those two businesses are in cahoots to take people’s money, because they’re always on the same block and have the same hours of operation.)
Haters gonna hate, but I love Jill. Almost enough to justify the restraining order she put out on me last season. Almost.
And Abby Lee Miller was back. Finally. Kinda. Sorta.
Oddly MIA for two weeks after resigning from her own Life, Abby had decided to return and was basically just phoning in her job for the first 10 minutes of the show as the Moms tried to figure out what her dealio was this week. Holly even compared it to a military invasion, which was probably a lot closer to reality than she realized.
Side note: If you’re pressed for time and need to go, this #HollyFace pretty much sums up the remainder of the episode:
Thanks for stopping by, tho.
And the Pyramid of Shame was back, too. Super-sized. Now with Minis!
Full disclosure: It was basically the same Pyramid with a bunch of Mini head shots underneath, but the new kids seemed pretty excited to see themselves on a national television network. So there’s that, I guess.
And, honestly, I don’t even remember much about the Pyramid except for the part when Abby revealed Nia and Kalani’s faces and decided that Black History Month was a good time to dissect their African Dance Duet.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Abby said that Kalani was “A little bit more African than Nia…”
…and that it made sense for Nia to do the dance because she was African American.
I was all like…
And then Holly did this. And this. And this. And this.
Feel free to add your own dialog.
I love Holly too much when she’s laying down #HollyLaw.
This week, the gang was headed to another Devotion 2 Dance Competition.
The Minis would be performing a ‘Cavemen Under Cover’ group dance while the Big Girls would be ‘Better Off Now’ with Brynn playing the role of Maddie in their own group number. Because Maddie was still off doing her movie. Still.
Tiny Alysa (…with one ‘S’…) scored the only solo this week, which gave her Mom Mary yet another opportunity to let us all know that she had sacrificed soooo much to be here at the ALDCLA. We get it.
You gave up a lot. You left your family and kids behind.
Maybe you could tell that story to Evan Frazier who’s sitting at home right now looking for the damn can opener. Or Erno Vertes, who thought groceries just magically appeared in the refrigerator every week. Or Greg Gisoni, who’s already lost the garage remote three times and is taking AA batteries out of the smoke detectors instead of going to CVS.
I’m pretty sure everyone’s given up a little sumthin sumthin. Just saying.
And then Jill and Ashlee went at it again.
Same argument. Different outfits. Don’t talk smack about my kid. I’m not talking smack about your kid. Yes, you are. No, I’m not.
Jill was all like (…bleep…) you.
Oh, really?
You’ve got a fat a**.
Well, you’re old.
No lie.
It went on for like 20 minutes and Ashlee still couldn’t get the cap off her water bottle. You see that? And what is Melissa always eating? Because it looks mighty tasty.
Once the dust settled, newbie Mini Kendall finally showed up. Two hours late, thank you.
Clearly, she was tardy because they stopped to put her birth certificate into the Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine and watch it spit back out as Kendyl, just to mess up my spellcheck and prevent her from being confused with the other Kendall that was already on the payroll.
This show. I swear.
Too bad her Mom, Lynn (…who managed to hold onto all her consonants in transit…) has never watched it, tho, because she came in through the side door going on and on about how she didn’t want her daughter in a negative, stressful environment and that they were just here to dance at the ALDC.
Ok. You just keep telling yourself that, honey.
These little Minis are so Ka-Yooot I can’t stand it.
With only 2 days to go, Holly and Jesslaynn took Ashlee out back behind the dumpster for what I initially thought was going to be a beatdown, but turned out to only be a pep talk about being a Team Player.
I guess we’ll see have to wait and see who gets survives and who gets voted off the Dance Moms Island as the season progresses, right Jess?
Learn from Mama Corleone-Gisoni, people. This is how ‘this’ works.
Side note Numero Due: I’m the only one allowed to make fun of the pigtails.
Capiche?
Side note Numero Tre: Somebody had a yellow slurpee cup from Which Wich sandwich shops behind them on the viewing steps which caused quite an uproar on Twitter.
Power of: Social Media.
Finally, it was Showtime!
For this guy, anyway.
Nobody was outside waiting for the bus to arrive. No screaming kids with blinged-out iPhones. No glitter paint poster paper signs. Nuthin.
Nuthin inside, either. It was freaky. Nobody could figure it out.
Lynn was trying to dial down her NewMomSpaz as everyone got ready for the competition in the back room, but it wasn’t working very well. You could tell it wasn’t going to last very long. The Calm Before the Storm, as it were.
Alysa’s solo was all cute and stuff, but once you’ve seen Asia Monet Ray get all sassy pants all over a stage…well…Game Over.
And besides. Abby doesn’t do cute. At least not this week.
Back at the makeup tables after the routine, the whole thing somehow went form worse to worser when Lynn mimicked Mackenzie’s 26 years of pigtails and Glitz Pageant posing.
Like this.
That’s also when Holly tried to intervene but then realized Lynn wasn’t worth the air required to put up a fight and decided to tune her right out for the remainder of the day.
You just keep talking to yourself, woman.
Once the Minis were all ratted up and put into their Pebbles and Bam Bam outfits, Abby noted that only NOW did they finally look like ALDC dancers.
Because you know how Abby does love herself a good mile-high.
The Minis finally hit the stage, swinging Cro-Magnon clubs around like I don’t know what until the newest of the new dropped hers on the ground and caused so much prehistoric drama that you would have thought the dinosaurs unthawed.
Brynn did a great job leading the ALDC group routine, giving face all the way to the empty cheap seats in the back.
Really. Did they even have the date right? Where is everyone?
When it was all over, both the Minis and the Junior Team (…and, from what I could tell, about 9 other dancers from who knows where…) laid around on the empty stage floor waiting for awards to be handed out.
Unfortunately, Alysa lost a couple more letters in her name as well as the First Place spot.
Second Place would have to do, even though we all know what Abby thinks of that title.
Both the Minis and the Big Girls took home First Place trophies and yet still managed to find something for their Moms to all complain about outside on the way to the cars.
Each other, basically.
Ashlee didn’t get it. Lynn really didn’t get it. Jill wanted to give it to Ashlee right between the eyes. And Melissa knew people who could make it happen, but you didn’t hear it from her, of course. Let’s keep that in the Dance Moms Family.
And then Abby peaced out…and flaked out…as soon as they were out of the building.
Maybe she’d be back. Maybe not. Maybe she’d get rid of all the Minis. Maybe not.
Brynn could stay for now, tho.
At least we got that much out of Abby before she bolted in the rental.
The whole thing just fizzled out and ended pretty much the same way it started.
Right, Holly?
So, yeah. I guess we’re done here.
See you next time.
Or not.
