I always thought she had more power over methen she actually did.
Now I miss her no more than on Mother's Daywishing I could have overcome my fear of my Mother's judgment.
So easy to saynow that she has been gone so long.
I always thought one daythings would work themselves outand we would have the storybook loving mother daughter relationshipthat I had always yearned.We had a nice relationshipbut I always wanted morebut I was not courageous about saying so.
I don't even know if my expectations were realistic.Maybe sometimes we want things from others that they never had to give.Maybe we internalize TV and movie versions of perfect mother daughter relationships.
I grew up with a younger sister with not only down syndromebut a life threatening heart condition as well.So many of my younger years were spent with what felt like months at a timein hospital waiting roomsby myself.While my parents were with my sister.We were all hoping and praying she would survive pneumonia year after year.
My parents were brave and tireless taking care of my sisterduring a time it was recommended for parentsto institutionalize babies with down syndrome.
Because of the years of ongoing trauma for all of usI was literally told by my parents"we don 't have time for your nonsense"meaning ever talking about my feelings.
They really didn't have timebut as a young child with no life contextit made me feel like I had to be perfect.
I always felt guilty to have more than othersbecause I felt bad that I had more than my sister.I didn't really.
We all come from the framework of our past.We all come from imperfect parents( including for sure my own children)
I so wish my parents were still hereso I could as them more about the traumas they overcame.It wasn't until my mother's funeralthat I learned her harsh upbringing.
I only mention my historyto put in context whyI believe so strongly inCrowning Ourselves
I believe it's is up to us to fill our own cup.
I believe it is our own responsibility to Self Validate.and Self Care
We all deserve to be happy and feel good about ourselves.We all matterand we should especially matter to ourselves.
It took me a long time to realize this.
I felt I was forever tying to fill a hole in my heart.Often it was food or wine.Often expecting people in my lifeto be able to fill the endless hole.
And there were years I felt people could.Those first breathlessly happy years with Jeffwhere new love was intoxicatingand overflowing.
There were years with young childrenthat my heart once again felt overflowing
But unrealistic expectation began to appearthat others were meant to keep the hole filled.
Now I firmly believefeeling wholeand filling our holemust start from within ones own self.
It's a decision I made to myselfthat I matter.To see myself with eyes of love.
And since I matter it's up to meto take care of me.
And it's incredibly freeing to do so.There is much more control and peace in acceptingSelf Responsibility and Self Care
Now I am old enough to knowwe are all trying the very best we canin our own personal journeys that is our life.And sometimes we have no ideawhat others are experiencing internally.
Because I am responsible for my own emotions
I will beCrowning Myself
this Mother's Dayand everyday.
I will create waysboth literally and figurativelytoCrown Myself.I will end every day going overwhat I did well
I will take up room.
I will be the lead in my own story.
I will celebrate my lifeby finding joy and beauty everyday!
Because I know for a factlife is so much sweeterwhen we love others from a full cup.
One of the gifts of taking good care of myselfis that I have so much more to give.The better I love myselfthe better I am able to love others.
So that is why I choose daily toCrown Myself.
This is neither a sad storyor a blame mommy story.I have nothing but the upmost respect and love of my mother.
It's actually a story for meand for anyone else it might help as a reminder.
Which makes it merely a storyin which I recognizethat so many times what we (I) yearn to receive from from othersis actually something We need to give to ourselves.
To truly love ourselvesmistakes, flaws and fabulousnessall rolled togetherinto what makes usuniquely us.
That's whatCrown Yourselfmeans to me.And why I continue to hold the conceptnear and dear to my heart,
Happy Mother's Daymy friends.May you Crown Yourself today and every day
As always my friends
I wish you love and joyas you style your life
