I wanted to take some time to write about something that affects me on a daily basis. Normally, I really dislike talking about my problems. Despite having a Blog where I am fairly 'open', I still keep a lot of things private which I'm sure you're a little bit surprised by.
Basically I 'suffer' from crippling self doubt. I don't mean crippling as in it makes me fall to the floor and by 'suffer' I don't mean it's a medical condition or anything. It just affects me and my personality with every decision and moment of my life, as I'm sure it does for many of you reading this too.
Ever since I was a wee kid, I've thought people were laughing at me. Mainly because I was being laughed at LOL. I was always a chubby child and wore big Deirdre glasses too. When all the other girls and boys were playing 'kiss chase', I wouldn't bother because I knew that I'd never get chased. There were a few kids at school who were mean but to be honest, it was to be expected at that age and a lot of the issues I had were all in my head as a result of my own insecurities. All in all, the kids at my school were amazing and are still friends of mine to this day.
This is actually pretty hard to write which I didn't really expect so bear with me..
Obviously, I'm an adult now. I could go on telling you story after story about how I was a victim of bullying but actually, I'm not. I was picked on a lot but so what!? who wasn't!? I was far from perfect myself. I don't want to get the fiddles out and play a sad song, I'm just trying to say that what happened in my past, shaped who I am now.
I'm an overly cautious person. Even to this day, I think people are laughing at me (in reality, they don't give a rats ass about me). Every time a guy asks me out or is in any way interested in me, I think it's a joke and instantly clam up. I don't trust people. I doubt myself every single day, Without fail.
Sometimes, the Internet and this here wee blog that I'm writing to you from, can be a negative place where a very small minority of people say some mean things to me. I always shrug them off but in reality, sometimes the comments play on my mind.
Crippling self doubt stops me from doing some of the things I really want to do. I've been invited down to London well over 100 times in the past 4 years as a blogger to attend everything from Blogger events to red carpet events. I'm always so afraid that I'll get there and no-one will know who I am, or will think badly of me or that I'll be made a fool of, so I don't go. It's gotten to the point where I print out all of my blog accomplishments (Event Invitations) so to prove to people that I'm not lying about them because I have it in my mind that for whatever reason, people won't believe me and won't think I'm deserving of it.
I don't know what to do to overcome it. I guess it all comes down to confidence. I constantly try different things to boost my confidence but reality kicks in and I'm back to where I started and feel like that wee girl in the playground too ashamed of myself to play with the other kids.
I KNOW that a lot of you reading this will relate to it. I just want you all to know that you're not alone and every single one of us will experience some degree of self doubt in our lives. You might be reading this thinking "when will my doubts ever go away? when will I ever feel good enough?". In all honesty, we're human and everyone is going to feel self doubt throughout our lives, it will never go away 100% but that crippling self doubt where you never think you're good enough WILL go away.
One day, everything in your life will start to fall into place. You'll feel confident in the life you have and that is when you will accept yourself. I know this, not because I've experienced it (yet!), but because I've seen it so many times before in different people. A new job comes along, a new relationship or a new home. Anything! Someone might pay you a compliment one day and you'll choose to focus on that compliment rather than any insults you've ever experienced and it might just change your own perception.
You've this, you're good enough. I promise.
H x
