I found this graphic circulating around facebook this morning. It speaks volumes.
I am all for strong relationships, strong marriages, that require sacrifice, time and effort. The people in our lives are absolutely our greatest resource; not possessions, objects, toys or electronics. That being stated, sometimes we must walk away from relationships, no matter how much we love that person or how much time we have invested in that relationship.
Language, both verbal and non-verbal, is designed to express our thoughts and feelings. Most people are honest enough to really desire communication. When we run into to conflict with these people, it’s usually because we have a difference of values. We do not have the same aims in life or we have conflicting goals. Example: girl wants children, guy would rather loose a testicle then have children. They have conflicting goals and the girl will probably not change the guy’s mind either.
For some people however, language and speech are not tools to connect us, but weapons of manipulation and deception. Now, I do want to clarify that this is rare. Remember, most people desire honest communication. For what ever reason though, some people are committed to misunderstanding you.
I remember running into a similar phenomena way back in middle school, where the ‘popular’ kids would withhold their approval from you unless you did what they wanted. I quickly determined, having a rare personality type myself, that I was not going to be controlled like that; that I would chart my own course and make my own decisions.
Similarly, some people whether for manipulative reasons, or possibly even mental conditions, are committed to misunderstanding every word you speak and action you take. Maybe the object of your affection has an undiagnosed mental condition. Maybe they have been diagnosed, but do not take their prescribed medication.
If you been repeatedly accused in your relationship of having a mental condition yourself, you might want to be aware that this is common tactic of the mentally ill. If you suspect you might, get yourself checked out. But don’t let that tactic distract you from the real issue: their commitment to misunderstanding you, or their inability to understand you.
I’m sure you’re asking yourself why someone would be ‘committed’ to misunderstanding you? The answer is sadly simple: because you give them tons of attention in your attempt to resolve the misunderstanding and get the love you so desperately want.
Most of us are not Doctors, but we have some idea what ‘normal’ behavior is. If you’re not sure what your ‘normal’ or your sweetheart’s is, I suggest taking a very simple Myers-Briggs-Jung personality test. There are some good, free one’s online. It will be an enlightening experience, to be sure.
If your relationship is not ‘normal’ and your communication differences are not the result of personality types, you must conclude that, for whatever reason, your love is committed to misunderstanding you; that for whatever reason, they will never be open to honest communication. If you come to that point, as much as I hate to write it, you must let go and walk away or they will drain you of ever ounce of vital energy, creativity and ambition.
When simple miscommunications with your sweetheart dominate the vast majority of your time, leaving no time for yourself, your children or other activities, you must have the good sense and wherewithal to walk away. You will never make that person happy. The sex might be fantastic and you may have an amazing time together once in a while. But if that “amazing time” only accounts for 10% – 20% of your time with your love, it’s not worth it. Let go.
Your love may run off and instantly jump into a new relationship. Let them. Don’t run after them and don’t chase them. Obviously jumping into a new relationship right away is a mistake, so don’t mirror their bad behavior. They will simply be taking the same baggage from your relationship with them into the new one and nothing good is going to come of that.
Maybe your love will start a new relationship and find instant happiness, but I doubt it. If you are ever going to heal yourself and move on, let them go. Let go. Stop explaining yourself and stop defending yourself.
A healthy relationship is not your character continually being called into question and constantly defending yourself. That is not love; that’s a circus with you perpetually jumping through the next hoop to please a person who is setting up with next hoop. It’s you being manipulated by a person who is determined to misunderstand you, throw wild accusations at you and watch with pleasure while you twist in the wind to defend yourself.
Thank God these people are rare. Let go and move on. If you are ever going to find someone to truly love you, you must let go. Even if you are alone for the next ten years, it is better than being with someone who will drain the life blood out of you with these tactics.
I regularly defend men and help women understand the mishaps in communication with their men. So I am not a cut and run kinda guy. But if you are in a relationship with someone who not only occasionally misunderstands you, but is committed to it, let go and move on! It will be less painful in the long run.
If you need intuitive guidance to understand your sweetheart or to discern whether you are in this kind of relationship, contact me. I pray you are not. Because it hurts like hell to let go of someone you love so much, but that’s exactly what I will tell you to do, if you are.
