Diaries Magazine

CinderFella - A Fairy Tale

By Dmroughton
See what had happened was, this dude got all dressed up and went to this thing that he really didn't want to go to in the first place because it was the kind of thing where they had doilies on all the tables and you had to force yourself to stare the female participants in the eye so they wouldn't think you were sexist even though they wore all these low cut things with their bosoms threatening to pop out at any minute as if to say "Do not objectify me. I am more than my body, but here take a gander at these while you think that over."
So the dude was chilling and you know just basically enjoying his cucumber sandwiches and Perrier, which by the way tastes remarkably similar to bottled water, and trying not to get sucked into any conversations about weekend sales at Lane Bryant when he was clearly a size 6. Just then the clock struck noon, and the dude remembered he had forgotten to set his DVR to record the ACC basketball season opener, so he politely excused himself and hauled ass home.
Just about half time, this Princess chick stopped by and was all, "Hey, can you try on this sneaker? This dude ran out of the Book Club so fast, he stepped right out of it, and since I really dig the way he ate his cucumber sandwiches, I'm just like going door to door in eastern North Carolina to see whose stank feet fit in here."
So the dude tried on the one Air Jordan, and of course, it fit because it's a freaking fairy tale after all. Then the Princess chick looked like she was going to say something, so the dude cut her off and was like "What? So I guess now you want me to get in some monogamous relationship leading to a traditional marriage as defined by the state, right?"
The Princess barely heard what he said because she had been staring over his shoulder the whole time checking out this monster alley-oop, so she was like, "Hells nah, homey. But if you scoot your ass over on the couch so I can chill with the game, you can have some of these wings I brought from B-Dubs and couple of these ice cold brewskies."
At the end of the game, after the home team had thoroughly trounced the team from the Evil Kingdom of the University of New Jersey at Durham, the Princess chick was like, "So do you want to make love?"
Dude was all, "Wow, do I really gotta refer to it as that?"
Princess was all, "Nah man, but I can't really call it what I want because one day people might read this fairy tale and be all offended and stuff." (The Princess really had said "offended and shit," but she didn't want to be quoted on that.)
So the Princess and the Dude got their post-game celebration on and got all into some 50 Shades type stuff, just generally having a good old time with each other.
When they were done, the Princess said she was gonna go ahead and roll out because she wanted to stretch out in her own bed and not be all worried with the Dude all breathing up in her face or expecting her to make breakfast or something in the morning. I mean, damn, she had just brought over wings.
Dude was like, that's straight, and he flipped over to ESPN's SportsCenter to check out the highlights of the game they had just watched.
And they both lived happily ever after.
The End.

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