Part One (Up): Prince Henry, as he was formerly known, was born at the Palace of the Placenta in Greenwich village in 1491, although his mother was not American. (President Trump was wrong about that one.) Henry never expected to be king, because he had an elder brother Arthur. So his upbringing was entitled and carefree. Henry was tutored by Ladies and became versed in the arts, music and poetry, though he was also a good horse-rider and fluent in French and Latin and Particle Physics.
Unfortunately for Henry, brother Arthur went and died when he was fifteen and Henry was only ten. Henry's dad, the King, then wanted young Henry to marry Arthur's widow, Catherine the Arrogant, but Henry refused because he was still a lad and having a good time, though smoking hadn't been invented yet.
Henry VIII as a charming young man with healing hands (circa 1509)
Part Two (Down): When his dad, the King, eventually died, young Henry was obliged to ascended the throne of England, aged just seventeen. The nation (i.e. London, some things never change) took him to their hearts, delighted by this charming and charismatic young monarch, tired as they had become of his grumpy old papa. There was much merriment and partying and Henry's new single 'Greensleeves' was number one for weeks.His closet advisor, Wolsey, urged the young king to prove himself a man by marrying Catherine the Arrogant anyway, as she was available, road tested and still only twenty-three. The next day Henry said to his courtiers "Gentlemen, last night I was in Spain." Charming.
Disclaimer: By the way, everything I'm telling you I've gleaned from Sir Mandeville de Karma*, the leading historical scholar and TV presenter who has written tomes about the life and reign of this most famous Tudor king, including two blockbuster best-sellers, 'The Disillusion of the Monsters' and 'The Sex Lives of Henry VIII '. The latter has been turned into a six-part Netflix mini-series starring Quark Phoenix as Henry the charmer and Sir Mandeville's own youngest daughter Lemony de Karma as all six of Henry's wives. Rotten Tomatoes website has described the series as 'a tour de farce '. Interlude: Greensleeves as performed by another Boleyn girl, Karliene. (Click on the song title to fire up the YouTube rendition.)Part Three (Charm): Meanwhile, young King Henry's closet advisor, the weasley Wolsey, set up his own hosiery company and used the profits to build a magnificent house on the banks of the Thames at Richmond, where he entertained the rich and powerful of the time. Henry was a frequent visitor and used to enjoy the company there of several very young ladies, away from the prying eyes of his Queen. These included one or both of the sisters of the Duke of Buckingham, Anne and Elizbeth Stafford, in addition to courtiers Elizabeth Carew, only 15 at the time, and Elizabeth Blount, who was 17 when she fathered Henry's bastard son, Henry Fitzroy. Apparently Catherine the Arrogant didn't mind the affairs so much as the fact that Henry now had the son (albeit illegitimate) she had been unable to provide for him.Part Four (Strange): Given that failure of his wife to produce a male heir, he decided to divorce her and marry somebody else he'd been having an affair with, 15 year old Mary Boleyn. Apparently she too eventually bore him a child, but by the time his divorce from Catherine was resolved, he'd taken a shine instead to Mary's sister Anne Boleyn. Catherine and Henry being Catholics (as everybody was at that point in history), the Pope refused to grant their divorce. So Henry ousted Wolsey and seized Wolsey's house at Hampton Court for himself. The first thing he did was add on a magnificent ballroom. He also appointed Thomas Cromwell as his new top advisor. Cromwell's top advice was for Henry to break with Rome, the obstructive Pope and the idolatrous Catholic church, and to create the Church of England with himself by Divine Right of Kings as its earthly head and Defender of the Faith, so that he could divorce Catherine and marry Anne of a Thousand Days, at the end of which time he had her head chopped off because a) she too failed to bear him a son, b) she was adulterous, c) she laughed at him in bed.
Henry VIII exercising his divine rights
Part Five (Top): Never mind, transparent Henry already had Jane Seemore, one of Anne's ladies in waiting, in the wings ready to be wife number three. She certainly showed him. Jane finally produced the legitimate son and heir Henry had been longing for. There were more celebrations throughout the land (well, In London at least) but sadly Jane died within weeks of the birth, citing post-natal complications, an honourable way out for her. She was rather old, after all, nearly 30. At least young Edward would continue the Tudor dynasty in due course.Part Six (Bottom): Not wishing to be a widower and having grown somewhat lardy and lecherous in his middle age, Henry was persuaded to make a diplomatic marriage of Allianz to some hot continental totty, Anne of Cloves. The theory was she would keep him sweet in bed, be good for his toothache and help prevent an invasion of the country by dodgy foreigners. It was the first time he'd wedded someone he hadn't bedded first - big mistake. He decided he didn't like her in that way and the marriage was annulled within months on the grounds of 'non-consummation'. She was allowed to keep her head, but Cromwell, whose last top advice it had been, lost his. Henry also made a generous financial settlement on Anne of Cloves who was henceforth known as 'the King's Beloved Sister'.Henry's predilection was for much younger flesh and he was soon smitten by 17 year old Catherine Howard, whose father had secured her a place at court as lady-in-waiting to Anne of Cloves. Catherine was described in contemporary chronicles as "pretty and vivacious, small in stature but full of frame." She was a shoo-in as wife number five. One can only imagine what her father felt like when his darling daughter was beheaded, aged just 19, on the grounds that she had committed adultery with her cousin. Such was the price of royal patronage.Henry's last marriage was to the first woman in England to publish a work under her own name in English. In fact she wrote three books and had been involved in the education of two of Henry's children, Elizabeth and Edward, with whom she continued to enjoy a close relationship after their father's death. By this time he was no longer a charming man, and she outlived him. Catherine Parricide is remembered as the wife who survived the 'royal touch' relatively unscathed. She bore him no children, didn't get divorced or beheaded or otherwise deaded. Henry was her third husband, and she even remarried after his death.Postamble: You didn't think I'd let you go without a poem did you? Here's one by the charming man himself. Lusty Youth Should Us EnsueLusty Youth should us ensue,
His merry heart shall sure all rue.
For whatsoever they do him tell,
It is not for him, we know it well.
For they would have him his Liberty refrain
And all merry company for to disdain,
But I will not so whatsoever they say,
But follow his mind in all that we may.
How should Youth himself best use
But all disdainers for to refuse?
Youth has, as chief assurance,
Honest Mirth with Virtue's pastance.
For in them consisteth great honour,
Though that disdainers would therein put error,
For they do sue to get them grace
All only riches to purchase.
With Good Order, Counsel, and Equity,
Good Lord, grant us our mansion to be!
For without their good guidance
Youth should fall in great mischance.
For Youth is frail and prompt to do,
As well vices as virtues to ensue.
Wherefore by these he must be guided
And Virtue's pastance must be therein used.
Now unto God this prayer we make,
That this rude play may well be take,
And that we may our faults amend,
An bliss obtain at our last end. Henry VIII, King of England 1509-1547
Next week: 'Odes to Joy, Jennifer, Tracey and Virginia Cakes' by A. Battenburg-Windsor
*Sir Mandeville (aged 93.5) is Emeritus Professor of History at the University of Caracas in Venezuela. He is researching and writing his latest work, 'The Book of Moron ', about Donald J. Trump.
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