For my single guy friends out there who are hoping to find the woman of your dreams, someone who will look past all your faults, all the Tom Clancy novels,y our inability to get why you should never tell a woman to “relax,” and all the ketchup, I have good news and bad news:
Charles Manson is getting married.
That’s it. That’s both the good and the bad news. Good news, because if Charles Manson can find a woman, and one who can put a couple sentences together without chewing on her own fingers, there’s hope for you. Bad news, because he got there before you did.
You have to wonder about life, when the guy with a swastika on his forehead finds a soulmate. Her name is Star and she’s 26, less than 1/3 his age. And I watched an interview with her and she seems semi-normal. And good looking, too, with the exception of an X that she carved in her forehead, and an unfortunate pigtail decision about a year ago.
She’ll make a model wife. Because she keeps repeating that she supports Charlie and believes in him and loves him with all her heart. And he keeps saying things like: “Sex to me is like going to the toilet. Whether it’s a girl or not, it doesn’t matter.”
I’m no wedding planner, but if this thing is going to happen, it’s going to be very public, and I think they should do it up right. My advice to the happy couple:
Colors? Orange, of course.
The guards won’t believe you that it’s an old Illinoisan custom to put a small saw in the cake. Ha ha. Just kidding. Everyone does a cupcake tree now, anyway.
When posing for the wedding portrait be sure you’re not standing in front of the posted prison rules. “12. No sex at shank-point 13. No running” has no place in your keepsake wedding album.
As for music? Something from The White Album would be nice.
When putting together the guest list invite your family and his Family.
Don’t register for good china. You’ll never use it. Honestly, we have tons of friends and my husband has hardly ordered anyone at all to go on a murderous rampage, and we never use ours.
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Read more of Diane’s Just Humor Me columns here. Sign up for our weekly e-newsletter to get new blog post notifications. And if you like her blog, you’ll love her book, Home Sweet Homes: How Bundt Cakes, Bubble Wrap, and My Accent Helped Me Survive Nine Moves.
