“Is that why you asked me to come over?” I demanded, swinging my legs to the other side of the bed as I stood up.
I looked at him for an answer, but his eyes glazed over from the smoke of his bong, seemed clueless at the situation unfolding before him.
And in retrospect, I do feel a little sorry for the guy; I forgot how socially awkward he is, and how maybe his “playfulness” went down smoother in his mind.
“Jon…is this all you want me for…?” I asked, probably a little more shocked, then angry.
“What…what are you talking about?” He giggled out.
I faced him on the bed, then I stood up and fished around for my belongings.
“I should get going” I mumbled….loudly
“Are you leaving already?” He asked, I know he wasn’t laughing or smiling because he was happy, but…maybe….is this time? Maybe I can talk some sense into him?
I stared at him from across the room, as his red eyes glazed back at me.
“Hey you know…” As I stepped forward, with my shoulders relaxed and voice softened. I sat next to him on the bed and gently placed my hand on his warm stomach.
“I have work tomorrow…..and you didn’t say I could bring my stuff…” I began to explain, I didn’t want to look like a monster, walking out on —-
“Well, I was testing you!….” He exclaimed.
WTF! Testing me? What kind of test is that? What is the point, of not giving me an answer about sleeping over, if you wanted me to?
“Jon what the hell? Testing me? Why for….do you think that’s right? I really really like you! It hurts” I yelled back.
“Well then you should have….” He continued, I was staring at him but had tuned him out. Testing me?
“Hey look, are you meeting new people?” I asked, while playfully caressing his stomach.
“No.” He answered.
Good
“Oh, how come?” I blinked.
“Well I have a hard time approaching women…starting conversation” He explained.
I know he doesn’t like the bar scene, or just about any scene….but I wanted to make sure that he was….really really available.
“Well you know, I’m having a hard time meeting new people too, in fact I don’t want to meet new people cause all I think about is you.” I said. It was honest and straightforward.
“What! But you wanted an open relationship!” He said, still smiling though.
“I remember what I said, but that was before….(Like chapter 5 before) this is now. I have developed feelings for you, deep feelings.” I’m practically serenading this now.
“Why do you want to be with me now?” He asked.
“Hhhmmmm…well I think it’s a practical solution for two people that like each other and are seeing each other to get together…” I answered. I felt a little stupid answering this, isn’t it obvious?
He likes me.
I like him.
He declared his affection for me.
I’m declaring my affection for him.
Let’s date. 1+1=2. You’re a smart boy, do the math. Bitch.
“That’s not a good enough reason for me to be with you.” He said, “You don’t even like being with me…”
Now he’s kicking his legs around and shaking his head like a 5 year old that was just told to brush his teeth.
“Ya! How could you say that? I do like being with you, I call you, text you, pick up the tab, slept with you before…how could you not see that I like you? Cause I don’t smile or do PDA? You have to understand that with Caribbean men…I’m not use to all the physical affection….but that doesn’t mean I hate it! Or that I don’t like you!” I’m screaming…why aren’t my words getting through his cloudy head?
“Well then why don’t you date a Caribbean guy then?” He screamed back.
Sigh. Why don’t I?
“Goodnight Jon” As I walked out of his apartment,
“Goodnight” he said as he turned in his bed….to…I don’t know.
“Call me tomorrow”
“Sure, I’ll call. Just make sure you remember to turn your phone on” He retorted.
Ouch!
*****
Ok…Ok so maybe I didn’t forget to turn on my phone. But who the fuck cares? I didn’t know he’d call. I really didn’t.
In fact, I am really surprise that not only did he call, but he wanted me to come over…..but it’s a lie!!!
He doesn’t care, and I know he doesn’t. We’re probably going to break up, and I need this to end because it is just killing me.
When I wake up all I think about is him, before I go to sleep I wonder if he’s asleep too. Every time something comes up, I wonder “What Would Jon Do, or think about this?” I do everything but dream about him.
I can’t eat, I can’t think apart from Jon. I’m sick. This is a sickness, it’s not healthy. I could feel my life bleeding out of me.
I need to hold things together. Maybe, I’m not doing what I can to really show my feelings. But how do I know he has them for me? I gotta make him talk to me…..how?
I just need to know before I go further. I feel so….“uncertain” would be putting it lightly. I was vulnerable, like –at his mercy—vulnerable. You know, like when someone puts a gun to your head and its completely up to them if you live or die.
Yes, that kind of vulnerable.
And I needed to know my odds of survival, I had to calculate the possibility of me getting through this alive. With or without Jon.
I must think about survival not love.
I need to know…if you feel the same way. If you want me like I want you.
Cause if not, then I have to prepare…starting now. For survival.
Would you know, that I’d be the one placing the gun in his hand?
Chapter 12: Hey, let’s go on a (speed) date!!
“Yeh, that sounds like fun…let’s do it! We can both go and get numbers to m–”
“Jon, I don’t want to go speed dating!!!” I cried
