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Carmageddon. In Pixar 3D?

Posted on the 16 July 2011 by Danthatscool @DanScontras

Carmageddon.  In Pixar 3D?

“OMG! Not again.       Make all these CARS go away!  Please!”

Carmageddon.  In Pixar 3D?

When Ryan Seacrest tweets about it, then you know it’s big.

When they bring Eric Estrada out of hiding and squish him into his C.H.I.P.S. (Paunchy) Ponch uniform, then you know it’s big.

When Kim Kardashian takes time out from her beyond over the top, ridiculously expensive wedding plans and leaves Momma Jenner all alone with Bruce helping to ice the swelling from her post surgery face stretch, then you know that…well…then you know that Kim is just being a fame whore again.

Hasn’t Momma J. ever paused and actually taken a good long look at her husband?  She knows that sometimes plastic surgery doesn’t always work out as planned, right?  And I’m thinking that the 5 bazillion dollars that are going towards this wedding could probably vacicnate a kid or two somewhere outside the Rodeo Drive orbit.

So two out of those three celebs predicted the end of the world this month, after literally being asked by law enforcement agents to take to Twitter and spread the word.  Along with a gaggle of other A to D Listers, they were spreading doom and gloom warnings for the last few weeks in reference to the impending end of the Highway World.  It’s going to be epic.  It’s going to be tragic.  It’s going to be the worst thing we’ve ever seen.  It is going to bring the world to a screeching halt.

It’s only a Pixar movie, people.  Chill.  Granted it was a bomb, but I don’t think you need to put the West Coast on lockdown.

Then yesterday as I accidentally stumbled onto CNN, on my way to Bravo after a Jersey Shore Marathon on MTV, I realized that they were talking about the closing of Highway 405 in Los Angeles this weekend. Something about a bridge.  My bad.  I wondered why Ryan Seacrest was getting so worked up over a cartoon, but I figured it was just low blood sugar from the Idol Auditions.

Blah. Blah.  So first, the bad movie part.

Carmageddon: Pixar Style.  Pixar made a bad movie?  Is that a typo?  Sorry to all the Moms and Dads paying out for CARS 2.  No apologies to the kids are required, because they are all going to love it regardless.  It’s Pixar, for crying out loud.  Bright colors, speed, explosions and bad exhaust jokes will have them all leaking oil.  But it’s the parents who will have to sit through this thing while Junior and his Pee Wee League spill popcorn, make those straw sucking noises with their empty cups, and pick JuJuBees out of their back teeth, all while hootting and hollering.

The movie has been pretty much trashed by critics.  Too much Mater, the redneck truck.  It seems almost impossible that a Pixar sequel could (gas) tank, considering their (race) track record and street cred.  But somehow it did.  Don’t go selling your Pixar stock just yet, though.  The movie will still make almost enough money to pay for the Kardashian Weddingpalooza, and still manage to keep the shelves at Walmart in total disarray for weeks.  Maybe not as picked over as the Harry Potter shelves, but still.  (And really, how many versions of a magic stick and black eye glasses can one Taiwanese Factory spit out? Seriously.)  Hopefully everyone will learn their lesson with this movie and send these cars to the junkyard crusher for good.  Drain the radiator guys.  It’s over.

Carmageddon The Sequel: LA Style.  At the same time all the entertainment papers were filled with Mater Haters, LA was threatened with extinction if they ventured out of their condos this weekend and dared step foot or Goodyear on any of the highways.  This was built up almost as much as CARS 2 on the iTunes homepage, and neither of them seem to have produced much action.

The hysteria kind of reminded me of East Coast Snow Day Panic when schools are closed the day before the Storm Of The Century, which of course never materializes the next day, and all the kids go to the Mall.  Good for retail.  Not so much for the future of our country.

No disrespect impied, but until someone from LA brings their fancy car to Fenway Park and sits in that hot mess before a Red Sox Game, I don’t really want to hear it.  Or you’re more than welcome to shift your Beemer into neutral on the bridge to Cape Cod for a few on a 200% Humidity Index summer day, repeating “Please don’t run out of gas.Please don’t run out of gas.Please don’t run out of gas” until you have to breath into your picnic lunch bag.

So Carmageddon was a bust this weekend.

The only thing missing from the Pixar Version: A decent Cars plot.

The only thing missing from the LA Version: Well…Cars, I guess.

Carmageddon.  In Pixar 3D?
Carmageddon.  In Pixar 3D?
Carmageddon.  In Pixar 3D?
Carmageddon.  In Pixar 3D?
Carmageddon.  In Pixar 3D?
Carmageddon.  In Pixar 3D?

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