We are back to Sophie asking my permission to eat if she feels hungry. It is a common thing amongst those with anorexia in that they cannot give themselves permission to eat. The ED voice in their heads is so control of the whole person, that the simple decision to eat when hungry is impossible. Giving themselves permission to eat is beyond them. By asking me, Sophie sidesteps having to take not only the responsibility to eat but effectively silences the ED voice.
What frightens me the most out of all of this, is despite how far she has come, no matter what skills she has learned, the ease of slipping back into exactly the same ED behaviours is so total and quick. It is like the last 2 years of recovery is negated. Straight back into the same old. And what is also scary, is that even though Sophie understands what she is doing, she shrugs off the idea of standing strong.
I don’t think she will fall too far, I am still here and her team. If she does this next year away from all of this, then yes I am going to be very worried. It reminds both of us how insidious this illness is, how easy it is to slip back again and again. Perhaps it will always be like this for her. That is still something we don’t know. Recovery is still only young really. Yes, even though we are 4 years into this, we still have a long way to go.
So for now, she follows me around. To afraid to even ask me permission to eat sometimes, I actually have to say literally, you have permission to eat this food or have an extra yoghurt. We know each other so well know, I can tell the specific question in her eyes. Tonight I am trying a very healthy pizza. Pushing her buttons a little I know, but am trying to at least keep the evening meal varied, flexible and normal.
