Today is Friday the 13th, when I ask non-sex workers to stand up for us. So when Stacey Swimme, one of the founders of SWOP-USA, started discussing this on Twitter a few days ago, I asked her to elaborate for this column. This is the result.
Come out only to the people you know, and who know you, not to anyone else…Once they realize that we are indeed their children and we are indeed everywhere- every myth, every lie, every innuendo will be destroyed once and for all…. And when you do, you will feel so much better. – Harvey Milk, 1978
When I told my mom in 2008 that I was an escort, she was accepting, but she told me it’s not something she wants me to discuss with other family members. I agreed, but later when I joined Facebook for a brief period, my personal and activism lives collided. Any one of my extended family members could see my posts about International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers, posts vehemently opposing the censorship of the Craigslist Erotic Services section, and if they chose to, they could read through commentary left on posts by me and my sex work friends. I’m sure they have gossiped about it over the years, but nobody ever says anything to me about it.
It’s a strange sort of in-between place for me. “Everyone” in my life knows that I’m a sex worker. I am “accepted” by my family in a way that I can appreciate, but I don’t call them allies. There’s no talk of disowning me, no exclusion of me or my son or my intimate partners from family occasions, but they won’t voluntarily make it known that someone they love is a sex worker. It’s just another weird thing I do that they don’t understand and don’t want to understand, but they love me anyway. I’m generally at peace with how this has played out with my family. I have a compartment in life where I can keep feelings, priorities and responsibilities associated with my birth family neatly tucked away to pull out for holidays and birthdays. Then I have a larger compartment, a space preserved for my Found Family, the people I get to share my full identity with. This doesn’t mean that while we are together I am constantly in “sex work mode”; it’s more that these people don’t need me to suppress any part of my identity in order to keep them comfortable.
Prohibition forces most of us to keep our activities and our whereabouts a secret from those who care for us the most. That secrecy makes sex workers more vulnerable to abuse; opportunistic predators seek out victims who are least likely to be reported missing by loved ones. The fear our loved ones have of shame-by-association is an asset to those who aim to harm us- predators and politicians alike. The Green River Killer said he targeted sex workers because “….they were easy to pick up without being noticed. I knew they would not be reported missing right away and might never be reported missing. I picked prostitutes because I thought I could kill as many of them as I wanted without getting caught.” Sex workers need the world to know that we have people who care about us in our lives, in our communities, in our families. Below is a micro-Call-To-Action for different communities who intersect with sex workers. Find your own way; there’s something small and meaningful you can do for the sex worker in your life, something you can do within your own comfort zone. No matter who you are, if you care about sex workers, please start with educating yourself. There’s been plenty of writing on how to be an ally to sex workers. This article from psychologist Marijke Vonk covers essential tips for allies plus links to even more resources for you; also go over to Black Girl Dangerous for a piece on allyship written by a sex worker.
Micro-Call to Actions:
Parents of sex workers: Tell your child that you love them, no matter who finds out what they do; bonus points if you attend a sex work community event with them. Get to know the area of their life that they traditionally hide from you; you’ll be relieved to find that the people you meet are just ordinary humans with an extraordinary job- and your child is not the one sane, stable exception in an industry reputed to be unsavory.
Partners of sex workers: Support each other! Yes, I’m sure you were expecting me to say, “go talk to media” or “post on social media” or “reveal to your parents that your partner is a sex worker.” And yes, I do want you to do every single one of those things. However, I don’t believe that you all, at this time, collectively have enough support, information and expertise to minimize the harms and maximize the benefits of coming out as a partner. Please get there. Figure it out, folks. This needs to be peer-led; you all need each other. Maybe a live twitter discussion by and for partners to kick it off? Start with something small and achievable.
Friends of sex workers: In recent weeks my friends have done some amazing things! Several have made bold statements in support of sex worker rights on social media for all of their friends and family to see. One friend of mine asked how she and her husband can help sex workers right now, so I sent her over to Red Light Legal to sponsor legal research for sex workers impacted by record seizures at BackPage and other ad sites. Yes! Married feminists can be allies to sex workers! Donate if you can, make calls to lawmakers when we ask for it, correct misinformation when you hear it within your social networks.
Clients of sex workers: Be good clients. Donate to funds that support the most marginalized workers in the aftermath of FOSTA/SESTA. If you are wealthy and can make a substantial contribution, do it! If you’re paranoid about your financial statements showing something sex work related, give to SWOP Behind Bars or Desiree Alliance because their fiscal sponsors’ totally un-sexy name will appear on your statements.
Cannabis Industry: It is time to retire the strain name “Jack The Ripper”. This is insulting because it reveres a name that is infamous due to the brutal murders of sex workers in London. It does not give due reverence to the long struggle of cannabis legalization and the healing properties of this wonderful plant. In 2009, I pointed this out to a dispensary operator in San Fernando Valley; he said, “You’re right, I’m sorry to offend, I’ll change the name and let me hook you up with a free eighth, I didn’t mean to offend you ma’am.” Boom! Ally in action. Nine years later, I have a new Call To Action for California’s cannabis industry: Let’s collectively change the name of the Jack the Ripper strain to Jacq The Stripper, a true hero who deserves to have her name glorified in weed. Also- hire sex workers for legal cannabis jobs! As the legal cannabis industry booms, prison mongers are moving to recover lost profits by increasing legal penalties against sex workers. It’s not a coincidence.
There are dozens of ways to actively support the sex worker in your life. Ask your loved one what they need as an individual. Be there for them first, then look at how you can support our community as a whole. The next opportunity to both educate yourself and help us raise awareness is June 2, 2018 for International Whore’s Day; follow Survivors Against SESTA for organizing updates. Sex workers have struggled for decades to build the peer-led resources, safety networks and community spaces that reduce the harms we face. These resources are now under direct attack by policy-makers, law enforcement and misinformed advocates who believe that eliminating our safety resources will make sex work disappear from the world. We will not disappear, but we need our allies to ensure that we are not silenced and excluded. Please stand with us so we are not alone in this fight.
