My heart and mind have been all over the place lately, which has a bit to do with the quietness in this space last week.
At one point, late in the night, I felt so pulled and tugged that I stopped myself and prayed. I asked for clarity and solace. I asked how to be a better me; even I exhausted myself of blaming others for these deep gritty feelings that were shooting through me, crowding out my healthy roots.
And in a moment of stark clarity it occurred to me that this out-of-whack moral compass I've been labeling others with was not at all the problem. It was my own moral compass that I needed to calibrate.
So that's what I've been up to. Long walks with Sully. Lengthy meals at the table, bathed in sun's light. Lots of Slapjack playing and reading with Theo. More relaxed when my love comes up and hugs me from behind while I'm cooking dinner. And I sat with a dear friend and her support team in the cardiac intensive care unit waiting room while her six month old was in his sixth and then seventh hour of open heart surgery.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about leaving the children's hospital, riding down in the elevator with two boys; one sat in a wheel chair with a shiny bald head and yellowed skin, dressed in his pajamas, slippers and a robe. But that is not what stuck out. It was his radiant smile and the giggling inside joke he was sharing with the other boy who was pushing the wheelchair. I asked them if they were brothers. They said yes and almost burst with laughter, barely contained until we reached the first floor and the door opened. They moved on quickly, happily. I moved on with my head down, tears clouding my vision.
It is a new week, even though I remind myself that each moment is chance for a fresh start.
As I walked to my car at the hospital parking garage, I realized that the clarity I was praying for had come.
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while doing my quick edit of this post, listening to nina simone radio on pandora, this song came on. how fitting. and i'm happy to report that my friend's baby is doing very well. happy new week! xo, katie
