I know some calculating Christians. I use “Christian” as religion scholars do—it is the way people identify themselves, not necessarily what they are. For example, I grew up learning that Christianity was God’s excuse for throwing a bunch of unknowing people into Hell. Laughter all around! Then I did something radical. I started reading the Bible. Spoiler alert: as you start to get near the end, you learn that Jesus and his early followers (except maybe Paul) promoted the idea that God is love and the only correct response to that is to love other people. Of course, a religious founder, deity or not, can’t control what his/her followers will do. Christianity quickly became judgmental. “I’m going to Heaven and you’re not!” Laughter all around! In my life I’ve been the recipient of calculating Christians more than once.
Calculating Christians are those who, like ein U-boat Kapitän, try to figure out the best way to do the most damage to those they don’t like. They will destroy your career—torpedoes away!—and then get on their knees to thank their vengeful god for sinking a satanic vessel. And all the lives of Christians onboard are counted as collateral damage. God’s good at sorting things out. Laughter all around! I’ve also known “Christians” who will target a family member when he’s down, and stressed out to the max, only to tell him he’s going to Hell and they’re just fine with it. Laughter all around! They do this without ever asking about the two seriously ill people in a family of three, or how you’re doing with that therapy you’ve had to start. Jesus would do no less than kick a confessing sinner when he’s down.
There’s a reason Christianity is developing a bad name. With the first compassionate Pope in centuries we find doctrinaire Catholics condemning his compassion. Among the Fundamentalist camp we find those who would gladly die for the most hate-filled politician ever elected on these shores. Calculating the end of the world is, after all, a tiring activity. No matter that you’re wrong (you never consider the possibility and you never, ever try to weigh the facts), you calculate how to blow it up for everybody. Laughter all around! The only thing that keeps me sane, I believe, is knowing that many actual Christians out there know that such actions are taking God’s name in vain. And that, they know, is against the commandments so prominently placed on courthouse lawns.
