Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah Mwah.
Stay cool, bro. Don’t move. They say she can smell fear.
Let Mama explain how this ‘SWAG’ thang works, boyz. It goes a little something like dis.
Lawd, I swear these crazy Mamas tryna make me have this baby right here on center court.
That chick’s just lucky my smokey eye’s on point or both our a**es would be in jail.
Waymin. Did I just hear somebody say we got ‘Boyz?’
I’m not naming any names, but I guess Acid Wash is the New Black. Hooty Hoo…Who Knew?
I love you. You love me.
We’re best friends like friends should be.
With a great big hug and kiss from me to you.
Won’t you say you love me, too?
Yikes.
And if that wasn’t traumatizing enough…you just wait.
This week it was all about mending fences and spreading the love as the Dancing Dolls tried to fend off another round of Purple Nurples from their hometown rivals.
Dat’s rite. They’re kind of scary. They’re Purple. And they’re back.
After a questionable First Place win against Dianna Williams and her team last season, Shanika Lee and the Purple Diamonds were returning to defend their title as Jackson’s Hip Hop Top Dawgz.
And hopefully do it without any more of that disrespectful post-awards booty slapping.
You remember the last time they faced off, right? When the Purple Diamonds snatched that trophy right out of the emcee’s hands and then backed their junk all up in Kayla‘s face, spanking themselves into the record books?
Not cool. Not cool at all, girls.
Smacking dat a** in front of your hometown peers? AwHellNah. I don’t think so.
With a rematch only a few days away, Miss D wanted to make sure that history did not repeat itself on the dance floor. And what better way to do that then arrange a face-to-face meeting with their rivals on neutral turf. Road trip!
I don’t know where they met up exactly. We’ve certainly gotten to see a lot of Jackson’s outdoor architecture in the last few episodes and this week was no exception. The Mississippi Department of Tourism must be loving this Bring It! show lately. They should make TMZ Tour pamphlets or something.
Decked out in their subliminal butt-kicking camouflage t-shirts, Dianna and the Dolls went up and down about 17 sets of marble staircases and eventually got to wherever it was they were going to meet the PDs. It was just like that Michael Jackson video in the parking garage. Except it was outside. And it was in Jackson, MS. And it was all girls.
So it was actually nothing like the video.
But regardless, Shanika was ready. And her girls were ready. And so was Shanika’s baby apparently, because this lady was Super Pregnant. I mean, whoa. Super Pregnant.
I guarantee you that someone was standing off-camera next to the microphone guy with a cell phone, bag of ice chips and a blanket. The stylist who picked that lace tablecloth trimmed tube top maternity maxi-dress was probably already fired, but the ice chip lady was definitely still on the payroll.
Super Pregnant. Even her turkey thermometer button had popped, fercryinoutloud.
After the last competition, the tension between the teams had continued to fester on social media as both camps smack-talked each other on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and LinkedIn and eBay. It was out of control and Dianna wanted to shut it down. Now.
Shanika put the blame for last season solely on two of her young ladies who, in a moment of twerking weakness, had broken the PD Charter rules on poise, class and sophistication.
I blamed Miley Cyrus. Dianna didn’t care whose fault it was. It just needed to stop.
It actually took the Dolls longer to get to the meeting spot than it did to complete the discussion, but at least they set the rules for the weekend’s competition. So that was a good thing. Mission accomplished.
Side note: Except for whatever it was that was going on with Shanika’s eye shadow, you could tell that she was going to have a really cute baby when it finally happened.
Back at the Dollhouse, the team was already hard at work on their choreography for the upcoming Strut & Stride competition in Utica, MS, where they would also be facing off against the Prancing Stepperettes, the Pink Ladies Of Vicksburg and the Women Who Think It’s Ok To Try And Use Five Macy’s $10 Off Coupons For One Transaction.
The Dolls were excited to go up against the PDs again. The Mamas? Not so much.
Out on the sidewalk, Mimi, Seloncé, Tina and it’s Rittany bitch were getting themselves all worked up about the possibility of another Purple Diamond street fight. And you know what happens when Mama Bears see their cubs in harm’s way.
Love. These. Mamas.
Srsly. Their hair was laid and their denim was acid washed. Bonus Points to Rittany for that MomJeans skirt that literally gave me Levi Strauss Life. I just can’t.
Repeat: Love. These. Mamas.
Side note: Them DDPs must have made some serious bank selling cookies out of that car trunk last year, because every week they have another new weave and MAC blending pencil. I swear, if my girl Tina is not selling that smokey eye palette on HSN by the time you read this, Imma gon be so mad.
This week, the Dolls would be competing in both Creative Dance and Stand Battle. The Creative would be a Latin salsa kinda thing and the Stand Battle standout would be a ‘Peace Maker’ takeoff on the PDs infamous I Won And You Didn’t booty slap, complete with an 8 count BeatDown on some fake PDs before showing who was the better team and hugging it out with their enemies at the end of the song.
Somewhere along here we also took a quick trip to the Purple Diamond studio to see how they were prepping for the competition. I forget what they were doing because Shanika was now Super Über Pregnant and it made my palms sweaty.
Remember last year when the Mamas were too scared to go inside the Dollhouse and confront Miss D on anything?
Well, that was sooo last year.
This year, they grew some (…Spoiler Alert: Lug Nuts…) and busted right into the studio to confront Dianna on her plans to go up against the Purple Diamonds again. They needed to protect their babies at all costs. The Mamas didn’t trust that the PDs wouldn’t throw down again, but Dianna needed the Mamas to just trust her.
Side note: Dear Lifetime TV…can we please have a bonus DVD in the boxed set that is nothing but the Mamas all flipping out on Miss D? Cuz it is awesome.
Especially when Tina rubs her head with both wrists like some Sigourney Weaver Alien sumthin sumthin ’bout to burst out of her damn skull. Or when Mimi gives us full-on MimiFace. Or when Rittany gets so mad that she can’t look Miss D straight in the face while she’s yelling or she’ll grab her by the lips. Or when Seloncé just gets all Seloncé and looks back and forth at everyone in the room, just happy that she’s not the crazy one for a change.
Third times a charm: Love. These. Mamas.
Naturally, their arguing got nowhere, but at least they showed Miss D that they ain’t playing this year. No ma’am.
After all that dramzz, we needed a minute to catch our breath, so we headed to the playground with Dianna, her man Robert and their redoinkulously cute little boy Cobe.
Takeaways from that scene were that Cobe is still going to grow up to be a true heart breaker and that Robert still looks like JJ from Good Times.
Gah. That Williams family is straight up Dy-no-mite. Love.
The next day, the Dancing Dolls got a shot of testosterone as a posse of boyeeez started strutting their stuff on the tile.
You heard me. Boyz. All up in the Dollhouse, yo.
The Latin Salsa number called for partner dancing, so in came so much Secret Weapon Swag that it almost made my voice drop another octave.
Playas to the Dance Floor, please.
Dianna was all like WeGonnaWinThisOneNow. The giggly girls were all like OhMyGawdKuteBoyzHow’sMyHairLook? And the territorial Mamas were all like HandsOffMyBabyOrI’llSnapYoNeck.
Full disclosure: Mimi did have a momentary lapse in judgment when she realized that finding a son-in-law tonight would be like shooting fish in a barrel and did tell Camryn she might wanna put on some lipstick real quick. But I’m sure she meant well.
At one point during the rehearsal Dianna lost her nutty and at least two of the dudes got a case of nervous pee, but they were both sitting down and looking straight ahead into deer headlights so you couldn’t really tell what was happening at the time.
And in all honesty, it happened to me a few times last season and I was only watching the show from my couch. So I totally feel your pain, bro.
Finally, it was Showtime! And Baby Dolls cameo time!
Even if it’s just for a split second, I love to see my BDDs. So. Cute.
Backstage, Tina was still worried about going up against the PDs, but Dianna once again asked her to just trust her decisions. She would never put the Dolls in any danger, but Tina wasn’t 100% confident in the outcome so she planned on holding onto her Lug Nuts…for good luck, I guess.
Clearly, I missed that day in Biology 101 when they showed where ladies keep their Lug Nuts, because…you know. Ladies.
I also must have missed the day when they showed how to wrap up your weave so tight that it looks like you have no hair. Because that’s what Tina was rockin’ during the whole Nut discussion and I must say I found it quite enjoyable. She can do no wrong, you know.
Honestly, there was a lot going on at that moment, including Kayla flipping a flat iron around like ninja nunchucks, so I’m a little foggy on some of the details.
The Latin Dance was off the chart. The boyz were all tuxedo’ed up with pink ties and so full of swagger that I was afraid someone might slip on some of the LL Cool J that was leaking all over the floor.
I also thought someone might slip on Sunjai‘s Copacabana skirt when it fell off in the middle of the routine, but it was all good. No wipeouts. Just spicy salsa with extra chips.
Side note: Seriously with that handwritten ‘Stride & Strut’ yard sale sign they kept showing stapled to a telephone pole? What the What was that all about? PS…that’s not even the name of the event. Not acceptable.
Even more points deducted for bad penmanship.
But the party really didn’t start until the Stand Battle between the Dolls and the PDs.
Whose House? Dollhouse! Baby Daddies in the stands!
The Purple Diamonds Captain got a little spooked a few times and actually looked around at her team for some ideas on what Stand to throw next. Excuse me? Isn’t that your job?
The PDs did attempt a tricky maneuver where you put one foot up on a chair and then try to slowly lower yourself into an awkward split, which gave me some really bad flashbacks to the days when the Ground Round used to let you drink too many cocktails and dance on a floor covered in peanut shells. So we’ll just skip that part and keep moving on before I say something I might regret later.
The Dancing Dolls ‘Peace Maker’ Stand was sick. That’s all you need to know.
Youtube it. Now.
When it was all over, Shanika was 27 months pregnant but somehow the Purple Diamonds still managed to finish the competition with the same number of dancers they had listed in the program. Congrats to the New Mom, who probably popped during the closing credits.
The Dolls took First Place in the Creative category, but lost out to the PDs again in Stand Battle. Wait. What?
(The technical term is TheyGotRobbed.)
But at least this time there was no inappropriate butt smacking. Just hugs between competing teams, which was nice to see.
Backstage, accompanied by some sad Hallmark Channel background piano music, Miss D gave the girls one of her signature pep talks about how trophies don’t make you winners.
Because you’re already winners. Duh.
Next time you’ll just come back hungrier and stronger and get the job done.
You can all let go of your Lug Nuts now.
Game over.
Hug it out.
DD4L!
