Girl, please. You just took the plastic nose off a pair of iParty glasses. I still see the mustache.
Then she ’bout poked her eye out. Those Groucho glasses didn’t even have any lenses.
You pick, baby. Just don’t take the one the lady’s touching. She might have got some Krazy on it.
I don’t know Jazz, but I can snatch an iPhone if this chick kicks my damn seat one more time.
I just wanna know why she always gets to be Beyoncé every time we play dress up. It ain’t fair.
Dat’s rite DDPs got Junk in the Trunk, suckahs. Chocolate ones, Oatmeal ones and Snickerdoodle!
I know y’all only showed up cuz you thought I was from Real Housewives of Atlanta, mmkay?
Hit our sales goal. Increased our profit margin. And I’m still the pretty one. Now who’s laughing?
I say it every week.
Why can’t this show be two hours?
Lifetime Television needs to work on that, because there are just too many important Life Lessons to be learned and way too much hilarity to ensue (…not to mention some actual dancing parts…) in every episode of Bring It! to confine it all to 60 minutes.
Less than 60 actually, if you subtract all the Raising Asia commercials and the hundred or so times that Tim Gunn comes on screen and says “Turnt Up For What?” like he even knows what that means.
So, yeah. Bring It! Expanded Edition, please.
This week Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls were Saving a Horse and Riding a Cowboy all the way to Tennessee for the Nashville Spring Showdown.
Nashville. Music City. Where dreams are made, hearts are broken and a 15 foot tall musical note always seems to get stuck half way down the flag pole on New Year’s Eve.
But that Times Square Crystal Ball-wannabe and the 6.5 hour bus ride weren’t the only things bigger and better this week. The competition was also super-sized, with both old and new faces coming up against the Dolls.
The scoop would have to wait a few minutes though, because we started the episode out on the sidewalk with it’s Rittany bitch and quiet little Crystianna sharing a motivational Mother/Daughter moment.
Rittany was proud of the growth that shy Crystianna had shown so far this year, but now that her baby was stepping into a leadership role with the Dolls it was time to ramp it up.
This is our season. Turn it up, just like they do on Project Runway. Then leave it on the floor. Then pick it back up again. We need to go straight Beast Mode. Who dat? Who dat? Chest pump. Let’s do dis! Let’s do dis!
Oh, and while you’re at it…get more confident like yo’ Mama.
Lawd. I couldn’t tell if Rittany was just being supportive or getting ready to shove her kid out of an airplane at 40,000 feet with no ‘chute.
And that part about being more like her Mama? My girl Seloncé heard that and right away she was all like AwHellNah We Don’t Need Another Rittany In The World, Thank You Very Much. And then she gave us that ShantayYouStay Seloncé Walk she always does right before she and Rittany go a few rounds.
Seriously. Could we love Sunjai‘s Mama any more than we already do?
The answer is No.
I’ve said it before…Seloncé is crazy. But the good kind of crazy. Capital ‘K’ Krazy. And she knows it and wears it proudly like a badge of honor. Just like she was wearing her new, totally on-trend Dirty Nerdy Girl glasses.
You know the ones. The kind of specs that get comic book geeks all flustered and sweaty in their boy parts when they Google hot chicks who post selfies wearing nothing but bikini tops and tortoise shell rims.
I guess it’s not just the Kardashians. Apparently Harvard and M.I.T. girls also like to make pouty faces before they go back to the lab and splice RNA at the atomic level.
Not gonna lie. If there’s not a two hour bonus disc in the Season One DVD Box Set that is nothing but scenes of Seloncé and Rittany pointing and snapping at each other while Mimi shakes her head side to side like she’s Stevie Wonder, I’m going to be pretty upset.
Those two give me Life when they fight. Life…with a capital ‘L.‘ Just like the ‘K.’
Back inside, Miss D was going over the Nashville deets.
The Dolls would be going up against Nashville’s own Royal Dazzlers and Glam Squad Majorettes, as well as the Elite Starz, the Mini All-Starz, the Ladies of Excellence and the Girls Who Try On Lip Gloss At Sephora And Then Put Their Nasty A** Q-Tips Back In The Cup Instead Of The Trash Can.
The Ladies of Excellence were the Doll’s biggest rival this week. The last time they met, Dianna and the girls beat them so Miss D knew the LOE and Director Brittany Grayson would be gunning for a win.
You remember Brittany. We like her, even though I still think someone needs to check the chlorine levels at whatever pool she swims in because her eyes are always too pink. She also has that one random curl in her bangs that always reminds me of the lady you see in the HOV lane on the way to work who is completely oblivious to the fact that she still has one lone pink curler in her hair.
Some things you just can’t rush in the morning. Truth.
In Nashville, the Dolls would be competing in the Creative Dance and Stand Battle categories, which meant that Captain Kayla got to unleash another KaylaFace when she heard the words ‘Jazz’ and ‘Funk’ in the same sentence.
I can’t. No. No. I’m not doing that. I’m sorry.
If you know Makenzie Myers from Toddlers & Tiaras, than that last quote was hilarious and probably the funniest part of this whole recap. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I apologize for wasting your time. And shame on you for never watching T&T.
More shame on you than was felt by those of us who actually watched it.
And that’s a lot of shame.
But since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll go out of my way and attach the aforementioned classic Makenzie Moment at the bottom of this story so you don’t feel left out when everyone else is raving about all the hilarity next time you’re at work.
Anyway. The Creative Dance portion would be a duo or trio instead of the usual 85+ Dollapalooza, so Dianna was requiring anyone interested to audition for the part.
Sunjai, Crystianna, Camryn and Makalah (…where’d you come from?…) were all about it. Kayla, on the other hand, got as far away as she could from all that jazziness without actually going outside the building. Which was lucky for her, because things were really getting Capital ‘K‘ out there now.
Seloncé was tired of all the MamaRules. Especially the one where they all have to stay outside and try to read lips through the slats of the window blinds. Not liking it. At all.
Since I have no clue how the brains of all these awesome Mamas work, I don’t really remember how they went from lip reading to discussing the plausibility of planting a James Bond 007 microphone chip in Sunjai’s braces to simply deciding on a Target run to pick up a baby monitor…but somehow that ended up being the plan.
They needed to hear what was going on inside the building and since dangling Tina through an open air vent wasn’t really an option, planting a baby monitor inside the building was gonna have to do.
CNN Newsflash: Babies…and baby monitors…ain’t cheap.
So time for a Bake Sale! I believe that Tina (…and Dr. Seuss…) said it best:
‘Everybody likes Cookies and Sweets! Everybody likes to eat!’
I would have agreed with her but you need both hands for the Fat Girl Shuffle, so I owe her a High Five when my bowl is finally empty. It’s Booty Booty E’rrywhere when my stories are on, I tell you.
Cammie, Crystianna and Makalah made the trio. Sunjai got cut but had her usual good attitude about the whole thing and took it as another chance to learn and grow.
You go, Girl.
Kayla took some heat from Miss D for not being willing to try other forms of dance and not making enough of an effort to get out of her comfort zone. She had a bit of a wake up call and realized that she may need to push herself more. Since I’m still not a big fan of growing up and being an adult myself, I felt her pain. She had a sad KaylaFace that I didn’t enjoy very much.
Side note: Did I already mention that Dianna has one of those big satin State Fair Valentine Teddy Bears that you win by popping balloons on her bed at home? Because she totally does. I don’t think Robert is a big fan, though. His RobertFace was kinda like ‘What Is This Thang?’ when they climbed into bed for the night.
With one night to go before their road trip, the Mamas pulled up to the bumper with a trunk full of cookies and then the party really got started.
Two dollah, dollah bills, yo.
Mamas getting s*** done. That’s what it’s called. They even had a glitter glue sign dingle dangling from the trunk that made it look more like a real bakery and less like a 20 minute oil change at Jiffy Lube.
Those bitches thought of everything. In the event of an emergency, there was even a secret ‘Hooty Hoo’ call that was the cue to shut the down the entire operation and evacuate like everyone did when the Three Mile Island plant melted down.
Since I was still mid-Fat Girl Shuffle when the initial plans were laid out, I may have misunderstood part of the DDP emergency alert explanation because I swear Mimi said ‘Hi De Ho‘ was the code word. Which I guess would be fine, but I did wonder why she thought it would be a good idea to break into a Cab Calloway/Duke Ellington medley if anyone saw Dianna coming to the front door.
My bad.
It didn’t really matter, though, because when Miss D opened the front door it was total chaos. With a Capital ‘C.’
Tina and Seloncé dove under the car like it really was Jiffy Lube while Mimi shoved $20 worth of perfectly fine ginger snaps down the back of her pants.
Two hours. Make this show be two hours. Now.
Finally, it was Showtime!
After a few touching moments with Kayla on the bus and an interview sniglet with Tina and her old wig (…she cried and made me sniff my nose…) it was clear that these Mamas love their babies no matter what. I just wanted to hug everyone. Even Mimi…even though I could tell she still had some leftover baked goods in their somewhere.
Nashville was Off. Da. Hook.
To Maximum Capacity and Beyond!
People on the floor. People in the balcony. People lined up outside like it was Black Friday at Walmart. Way too many people.
Side note: Most of the gymnasium was covered up in these huge tarps, so I don’t know what they were hiding back there. And I’m so nosey that it was killing me.
They were the kind of gigantic concert curtains that I thought were going to all of the sudden drop down and then there’d be some big explosive pyrotechnic sumthin sumthin and then an insane live performance by Rascal Flatts or Sugarland or Lady Antebellum or Brooks & Dunn or that’s all the country groups I know.
(Yeesh. Sorry. Didn’t plan that sentence out very well.)
But that never happened.
The emcee did look like Derek J. from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, though. But I knew it wasn’t really him because he wasn’t wearing lady shoes.
Bloop!
The Dancing Dolls trio did amazing. (Spoiler Alert: They won!)
And then the Po Po shut it all down. Hi De Ho. Time to go.
Listen up. Listen up. The event was way over fire code capacity. Way over. So according to Derek J., everyone had to pick up their toys and go home immediately.
Without even doing a Stand Battle or nothing.
I know, right? Not cool.
The Dolls were literally on the bus longer than they were in the building.
After watching the trio perform, Kayla realized that it was time to step out of her own shadow and start taking a few Buck-Free dance classes. It was time to grow a little and she was excited to spend her last year with the Dolls learning everything she could from Dianna. She’s gonna make her Mama proud. You heard it here first.
Growing up is hard, but it can be fun I heard.
So it was a short trip, but a good one. The Dolls scored one trophy. And probably a few cookies that fell behind the spare tire.
All in all, Nashville was a success.
Now back to Jackson.
Hooty Home, y’all.
…And as promised: Little Kayla.
You’re welcome.
DD4L!
