I need you to stop crying and bring your juice box over to that lady lying on the floor behind me.
Those Mamas tho. I mean…dang.
Lawd, please don’t let me break a hip. Or a nail when I slap that crazy bitch.
Yeah. Imma need you to hold my hoops cuz Meerkat Mimi ’bout to come out the damn hole.
It’s Mighty Tiny Power Rangers Morphin’ Time! Cute-o-sauras!
The forecast says Storm Mimi ’bout to move in. And she’s gonna make it rain up in here, y’all.
Those Mamas tho. I mean…dang.
Let’s just say my Bake Sale Nissan ain’t the only pretty thing with sweet stuff in the trunk.
Yo Mama.
Or should I say…Whoa, Mama.
Lawd have mercy, Bring It! brought it this week.
And it was super-sized and pint-sized all at the same time.
After 16 episodes of back-to-buck competitions (…see what I did there?…) it looked like the Dancing Dolls were finally going to get a week off to catch their breath and finish Instagraming their prom pictures. Or at least some of them would.
The Big Ones, anyway.
Which meant that it was time for Coach Dianna Williams to activate the tiniest troops and send them into Stand Battle. And time for me to squeal like an excited little girl.
Dat’s rite. The Baby Dancing Dolls were back in the hizzle!
Full disclosure. Before the opening credits even finished rolling, I was already running in circles just knowing that the ‘Baby Don’t Mean Baby’ Babies were back.
Because they are straight up awesome. Awe. Some.
But let’s start at the beginning. Which was outside on some Jackson park bench somewhere as Miss D met up with everyone’s favorite neighborhood SnoopDawg Mimi to have some Starbucks, fill her in on all the deets and speak in some language that I had never heard before.
Which totally happened.
As soon as Dianna sat down next to Mimi she noticed some big ol’ bug on Mimi’s top lip and then the whole thing just turned into a Lucy and Ethel Moment that even my complete Rosetta Stone box set couldn’t help me decipher.
Remember back when you were on the grammar school playground and you made up a secret language that only you and your BFF could understand? It was like that. But also kind of like those Gremlins you were never supposed to feed after midnight. And a little bit like something from the original Star Trek that I just couldn’t put my finger on.
Hilarious. Especially when the bug jumped from Mimi’s lip to Dianna’s lap. I could tell that they were both freaking out, especially when Miss D ran down the block trying to escape what I assume was probably just a mosquito.
I have no idea what they were saying. But I also have no idea how big the bugs in Jackson really are, so maybe the panic was justified.
But let’s face it. When Mimi completely F***s up your closed captioning within the first 3 minutes of an episode, you just know it’s gonna be a good show.
Since the Original Recipe Dolls were going to be chilling out this week, the BDDs AND the DDP Mamas would be the ones competing in front of the judges.
Wait. What? Did she just say the DDP Mamas? Shut up. Could this day get any better?
Yes. Yes it could. And it did.
Because next thing you knew, we had scooted right back to the Dollhouse Dance Factory mothership to hang out with all the little BDD niblets, who were somehow way-past-naptime sleepy and yet completely wide eyed all at the same time.
Especially when Miss D let all the tiny squirts know that the DDP Mamas would be performing at the Buck Hard Or Go Home competition right alongside the Baby Dolls.
Since the BDDs are all too small to swear or ride any of the rides at Six Flags, they instead opted for some OhHellNah cartoon bug eyes when they heard the news and then went back to just being adorbz.
Especially that patootie Taelar.
You remember Taelar. She’s the one who waves her arms in the air whenever she gets overly excited, which in turn makes me do the exact same thing until I just want to snatch her out of the room and go see a Frozen matinee. You know she would sing along to every song at the top of her lungs and never put her arms down for two hours.
Again. Awesome.
As we’ve seen over the last few months, there seems to be a limitless supply of Dolls that keep showing up at the Dollhouse. Same thing this week.
Once we got reacquainted with BDD Captain Kayla, who has hair that I have yet to really figure out, we met Co-Captain Destiny and her smiley, wobbly head.
Destiny is a hoot. And a half, actually. And she has a soft spoken maturity and wisdom that certainly doesn’t match up with her little comic book shirt and gift wrap hair bow. She talked about not being scared and always trying your best and something about growing up that completely went over my head.
She’s da bomb.
This week the BDDs and the not-so-baby DDPs would be going up against the bite-sized Baby Prancing Tigerettes, the Mamas of Virtuous Divine and the Girls Who Are Too Old For My Little Pony But Still Too Young For Those Naughty Bratz Dolls.
And speaking of Mamas.
Outside on the sidewalk, the Mama were pretty wound up for a weeknight.
Weekly disclaimer: Love. Them. Dot com.
My girl Tina was dancing around the sidewalk, because that’s just how she do. It’s Rittany bitch had just bought herself a pretty fancy daisy chain headband from that new Woodstock LoveChild Collection down at Claire’s. Seloncé was rocking an entirely fresh new weave right out of the bag. And SnoopDawg was letting it slip that the DDPs would be hitting center stage this weekend.
Apparently, Seloncé had cut the tags off her new ‘do but forgotten to rinse out all the Krazy before she put it on, because as soon as Mimi started talking about the competition the two of them went at it.
Donkey Kong. It was on like that.
Seloncé questioned the authenticity of the DDP news leak. Rittany wanted to know what planet Seloncé grew up on and then took a moment to pray that the Good Lord wash away all the sins and insanity from Seloncé’s body. Tina danced some more (…because that’s how she do…) and then the next thing you knew, Mimi was having a hot flash and putting her hair up in a ponytail like they do on VH1 right before someone gets slapped on Elimination Night.
When Mimi pulls out a scrunchy, takes off two earrings and one sneaker…you know she means bidnezz.
I think I’m going to need to use next week’s disclaimer just to restate how much I love these ladies. Especially this week.
Back inside, Taelar was still being redoinkulously cute while the tiniest BDD of all the BDDs started to cry. Poor little Bailey was having a rough time keeping up with the choreography and Dianna was not happy.
Cut the kid some slack. You try doing a hitch kick into a back flip into a booty pop and then land a face plant while the tape on your Pampers Pull-Up is cutting off the circulation in your left leg. I swear that kid was like two years old.
A few other BDDs were not getting on Miss D’s good side either. But ‘Baby Don’t Mean Baby’…so suck it up like that pacifier in your back pocket.
And then the DDP Mamas hit the rehearsal floor.
Literally.
Rittany don’t dance. She’s Big. And Beautiful. And whatever that third “B” was that she used. But she don’t dance.
She does, however, require plenty of hydration and some down time on the floor. But she wasn’t giving up the fight for nuthin. This one was for Crystianna.
This is as good a place as any to give a quick nod to how Bring It! always shows the positive side of family and friends and how much they all love and support each other. Even the crazy ones. The show just makes you smile.
And twerk. Not gonna lie. Twerk.
As the Mamas turnt it up and sweat it out inside the Factory, the Dancing Doll Daddies were all outside laying down their own groove.
Waymit? DDDs are also in the hizzle? That’s it. I call your awesome bet and raise it to Infinity & Beyond.
JJ, Calvin and Terrell were doing their own DaddyDancing out on the sidewalk, and it was pretty sweet. Especially JJ, who was channeling Saturday Night Live‘s Church Lady in disturbingly perfect form, cuz you know…that whole Daddy’s Gotta Do thang.
Next thing you knew, the Daddies were all inside the building still doing what they gotta do. And then the next…next…thing you knew, they were added into the DDP Mama Show as a Secret Weapon and my arms went up like Taelar for the rest of the episode.
Finally, it was Showtime!
My boy Quincy Oliver was back with the Baby Prancing Tigerettes. All two of them. And for the first time we got to see all the way into both of Quincy’s ear canals because he finally took out that Verizon earpiece he’d been wearing since the first episode.
Before I even saw his girls dance I gave Quincy 10 bonus points just for his outfit. Dude was born to wear a bow tie like a Boss.
Virtuous Divine Director Fulvia was also back and she had snuck in some VDDs through the back door when nobody was looking. That clearly sounded more perverted than it was intended. I think the ‘VDD’ part probably doesn’t help her cause any.
But I was talking about Dads, not herpes, thank you very much.
Since the Baby Dolls heads were already weighed down with so much weave and spray, now was as good a time as any for Dianna’s pre-game prayer. I love how much hair the BDDs have when they’re all glammed up.
It makes Taelar feel sassy, you know.
Did I mention that Rittany looked gooooood? Because she did. She also mentioned it to everyone, just in case there was any doubt after her hallway booty pop.
Life. These ladies give me Life. Don’t make me keep asking for a two hour show.
Mimi’s face, though.
All the Mamas were looking fly. And they knew it.
First out were the Mamas of Virtuous Divine. And their no longer secret Secret Weapon VDDs. You know how difficult it is to keep VDD a secret for very long.
Whatever. They were good. But it was when the DDPs came out that the crowd went even crazier than Seloncé. (Who owned that floor, BTW.)
Tina was front and center, cuz that’s how she do. Mimi was giving KardashianFace for days. Rittany was keeping up like a pro. And Seloncé looked exactly how I imagine the other Beyoncé must have looked on the night before she kicked Michelle and Kelly to the curb.
And then they made it rain up in there. Dollah Dollah Bill, yo. Yanked right out of their Mom Bras and tossed into the air like I don’t know what.
By the time JJ, Calvin and Terrell side stepped their way onto the floor the crowd was on its feet. JJ even had a lollipop. Because he’s JJ and he wanted a lollipop.
There was even a solo line dance like they used to do on Soul Train.
It was Parental Booty, Booty, E’rrywhere.
Best. PTA. Meeting. Ever.
By the time the Baby Dolls hit the floor for the Stand Battle, half the audience was already on oxygen. The BPTs had beaten the BDDs last time they met, so the Baby Dolls were out for Juice Box Justice this time around. And it showed.
These little things can move, y’all. Even Quincy was impressed, you could tell. He also kept saying that he didn’t want to toot his own horn and then went on to toot his own horn a lot, so I’m not sure what his point was by the end. I was digging his sweater, though.
Dianna had clearly taught the BDDs well, because they were throwing just as much shade as Big Kayla and the Dolls do when they walk backwards after every Stand. It was just more Fisher Price than F*** You Up. They’re like four feet tall, for crying out loud.
When the dust settled, the judges couldn’t make up their minds and made the two teams come back out for a tie breaker, which got all the little kids excited because they thought Dianna said “Jaw Breaker.” And who doesn’t love that big ball of candy?
The DDPs…Mamas and Daddies…took home the First Place trophy, which Tina snatched out of the emcee’s hands like it was closing time at the Buffet. That moment alone probably requires that I post Tina’s ‘Fat Girl Shuffle’ video at the bottom of this mess, just because. Look for it. She is hilarious.
Even though there was some disagreement, the Baby Prancing Tigerettes swiped First Place away from the Baby Dolls, which was not cool. Not cool at all.
But again, it was a chance to turn a negative into a positive and make Second Place a learning experience.
Dianna was proud of them.
I was proud of them.
And my Taelar arms had gone completely numb.
DD4L!
And DDP4L!
And DDD4L!
And BDD4L!
Now let’s go celebrate. I’m starving.
