They wanna know why he’s always wearing that Sprint earpiece even when there’s no damn cell service inna gym.
We show up. We win. That’s pretty much how we do, mmmkay?
Daddy gotta work again this weekend. Those crazy a** red wigs ain’t gonna pay for themselves.
You know Imma standing right here and can totally hear everything you say, right? Srsly, Boo.
Dang, Boyeeee. She just played you like a refurbed Xbox 360.
Baby, it don’t matter there’s no lenses in these glasses when you look like a hot Librarian Beyoncé.
Lawd, dat gurl. Next thing you know she’ll be walking in with a giant bag of Payless shoes.
Seriously.
How much do we love this show?
I mean Love. This. Show.
And I’m not even talking about the positive role modeling or messages of high self esteem and confidence that Dianna Williams instills in all her Dolls on a daily basis.
That’s like a given. And it’s beyond awesome.
I’m talking about how much bucking fun the whole thing is every episode.
And this week was no exception as Bring It! brought it once again.
Whether you like your TV Old Skool or New Skool, there was a little sumthin sumthin for everyone this time around as the Dancing Dolls got ready to hit Memphis for another face off with their arch rivals the Prancing Tigerettes. Crossing state lines into Enemy Territory, the girls would need to pull out all the big guns if they wanted to bring home another trophy, which meant that both the moves and the Moms needed to be on point this week.
Starting with Seloncé, who was outside the Dollhouse getting a quick little swat on the nose from baby girl Sunjai.
After bringing her Why You Keep Cutting My Baby Tour right into the Dollhouse last week, Seloncé had been banned from their most recent competition. To prevent history from repeating itself, Sunjai wanted to make certain that her Mom and all her vicarious Mama Drama remained outside the building, which was pretty much like telling a brand new puppy to sit and then hearing it follow you into the next room as soon as you turn around.
Mama loves her baby and only wants the best for her. She just wants it yesterday.
Inside the Krunk Kompound, Dianna was laying out the 411 on the upcoming Memphis competition and it sounded like it was gonna be killer. Or Thriller. Or both.
Hosted by the Dynamic Diamond Dolls, the event would include performances from the aforementioned Prancing Tigerettes, the Divas of Olive Branch and the Girls Who Can Put On A Full Face Of Makeup While Driving Stickshift During Rush Hour.
The Dolls would be presenting two routines. A Stand Battle against the Tigerettes and a Michael Jackson inspired theme dance. Fun, right? Michael Jackson. MJ.
Fun, that is, until I realized that most of the girls probably had to Google ‘Michael Jackson’ when they got home. Then I just felt old. Then I really did the math and after realizing that none of them had ever seen, much less owned, an actual vinyl copy of Off The Wall I decided to just pause the show to go outside and lay in traffic for awhile.
Speaking of outside. The Moms were all snooping in the windows and goofing around the sidewalk in their snuggly winter gear as Dianna began rehearsals.
Seloncé was rocking some exceptionally skin tight leggings and vowing to take Sunjai’s place on the team if her baby didn’t get her shiz together soon. Mama wants it bad.
For the 5th week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig That’s The Same Color As The Costumes In Pixar’s The Incredibles went to my girl Tina.
Full disclosure: I went out last week to one of those strip mall Beauty Supply places and bought myself a hot a** weave just so I could snatch it off my own hot a** head whenever Tina comes on screen. I should probably also point out that so far I’ve saved up almost $37 in bail money for when I go clubbing with these hot a** Moms. Hit me up, Bitches.
Love. Dot Com.
Especially Tina in that Alexis Carrington chinchilla hat. It was freakin’ Dynasty Night at The Apollo, I tell you. She can do no wrong.
On a side note, it was nice to learn that synthetic weaves keep your ears warm. I had no idea. Good to know when Cher and I go skiing in Aspen next winter.
There was also a little boy in a Where’s Waldo beanie and puffy red jacket jumping around like he really had to go the bathroom in the middle of recess. No lie, it was probably 25 minutes into the show before I realized that it was just Mimi in a marshmallow parka.
She so cray.
Back inside, the girls were rocking out to their routines and they were pretty intricate.
The MJ theme alone consisted of FOUR parts: A chair dance, some Way You Make Me Feel moves in heels, a jazzy bit of boogie and the climactic fight scene. Cuz You Know I’m Bad. I’m Bad. You Know It.
Congrats to Sunjai who scored the front spot in the stiletto portion of the routine!!!! After the last few weeks, it was good to see our girl regaining some of her confidence and working hard for that front row. Since me and my slippery dress shoes could barely make it across the dance floor at my prom, I gotta give mad props to anyone who can do an air split into a face plant in Jimmy Choos.
And then JJ showed up again. Sunjai’s Baby Daddy. Back for another visit channeling even more Cliff Huxtable and Fred Sanford than last week, if that’s possible.
His Dance-Off with Seloncé pretty much gave me life. I can’t even do it justice.
With Tina and Waldo singing ‘Get It Get It Get It’ riffs like those beat boxers who perform in clown pants on the Boardwalk all summer, JJ and Seloncé showed us all once and for all in a Solid Gold vs. Soul Train kinda throw down where Sunjai really got all her moves.
Needless to say, JJ won. Because the ladies love JJ. Dude could run in a circle with sharp scissors and still snag the prize. Pimpin’ ain’t easy. You heard it here first.
Hold up. Where’s Rittany, Bitch? Whaddupwiddat? Where’d she go?
As everyone scooted home for the night, Tina Carrington and Kayla had a quick heart to heart next to the car about why Kayla’s Daddy hardly ever goes to any of the competitions. Terrell (…yup, real name…) loves and supports his daughter 400%, but he doesn’t really get into the whole Dance Thang like the other Daddies do.
It was kinda sad to see Kayla’s face get all pouty, but after remembering what happened the last time Seloncé told Tina to ‘Check Yo’ Man’ I decided that it would probably be in everyone’s best interest to not offer up any opinions or suggestions at this time.
Daddy loves her. That’s the most important part. We’ll work on the rest later, mmmkay?
As a special congratulatory treat for making it into the front row, Seloncé took Sunjai to the day spa for some Mother/Daughter pedi action. Gotta smooth those things down before you cram ‘em into the Louboutins. E’rrybody knows dat.
Aside from a few meltdowns in the Dollhouse and cheering on the Team in various gymnasiums, this was pretty much the first time that the world had gotten a good look at Seloncé’s hair under fluorescent lighting.
Let’s be honest. As I’ve noted previously…as little as I know about the elite world of hip hop majorettes, I know even less about how a sistah does her hair. I don’t know how you get it to look like that. I don’t know if it started out that way. I don’t even know what part she bought and what part God gave her. All I know is that Seloncé is a riot and she was working those nerd glasses like that waitress at Lisa Vanderpump‘s Sur restaurant.
Somewhere between the initial soaking of the toes and the second coat of polish we learned that Seloncé had given birth to her first child when she was only 14 years old, which was pretty much the exact opposite of what I was doing when I was 14 years old.
It only takes one time, kids. One time. She was clear on that point. Just like it only took one time for the gamma radiation to turn Bruce Banner into the Incredible Hulk.
Which basically just showed you where my priorities were while Seloncé was busy popping out babies in junior high. Trust me. Maturity is overrated.
With only one night to go before the competition, Dianna and the girls were also busy popping out some new things for the Stand Battle. I don’t know which I like best. The actual moves. Or the backstory that Miss D always throws into the mix.
Why you running yo’ mouth? Pop Pop Your Butt. Hip Hop Robot.
Then it was time to head home and hit the sack so everyone could rest up and be extra Fierce for the Big Game. Before the girls headed to Memphis, though, Tina and Kayla wanted to give it one last shot with Terrell.
Dat’s rite. Over at Kasa Kayla we finally met Daddy Terrell.
Side note: I don’t know if Tina matches all her home furnishings to her hair or her hair to all her home furnishings. Not a clue. Doesn’t even matter. All that matters is that it happened and it was awesome.
Everything matched. Perfectly. You could literally drop one of her hot a** weaves on the couch and be sitting on it for days and never know. I’ll bet you anything that more than once my girl has left the house with a red pillow on her head.
Love. Dot Com.
Unfortunately, Terrell had to work and couldn’t go to Memphis. Maybe the next one.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And Quincy from the Prancing Tigerettes time! And Neva from the Divas of Olive Branch time! Who I swear both sleep with their hands-free ear plugs in their heads.
JJ was there, too. And Calvin. Mimi’s husband and Camryn‘s Daddy. There were literally Baby Daddies coming out of the woodwork this week. It made the girls all really happy, but made Kayla a little bummed. Next time, baby doll.
And then Seloncé showed up with a giant bag full of stilettos in support of Sunjai’s role in the MJ routine. Because apparently handing out buttons with your kid’s face on it is soooo last year. Now it’s all about the footwear, I guess.
I wasn’t really clear on whether we were supposed to wear the shoes, wave them in the air or just throw them directly at the Prancing Tigerettes eyes when they came around the corner. Mimi’s funny faces totally distracted me from hearing any of the rules.
But regardless, it was a true Oprah Moment.
You get a pair of shoes! You get a pair of shoes! Everyone gets a pair of shoes!
After a last minute pre-show costume panic, the Dolls hit the floor and it was so good it was redoink. Every piece of the Michael Jackson routine was mad dope insane.
Sunjai did moves on heels that defied gravity. I don’t want to see the x-rays on those ankles. Yeeouch. She was on fiyah.
The fight scene at the end was like a school yard youtube brawl, except that everyone was dancing instead of dragging chicks around the playground by their hair. Even the Memphis crowd stood up and screamed and clapped for about ten minutes before they realized they were cheering on the wrong team.
The Stand Battle between the Dolls and the Tigerettes looked like a clear win for Dianna until the last judge couldn’t make up his mind and called for one last Death Match battle between Captains and Co-Captains.
Dianna was all like WTF? and Kayla was all like Let’s Just Do This And Win and one Tigerette Captain was all like Lemme Just Do My Own Dance Over Here Don’t Mind Me.
Not sure what that was all about. But the Dolls won it all in the end. MJ and the Stand.
In yo’ face.
And can we talk about how crazy Tina gets during these routines? Lawd. Drop an electric toaster into the tub while someone is taking a bubble bath. That’s how they would act.
In. Sane. Dot Com.
All the Baby Daddies were so proud. All the Daddy Babies were so proud. Except Kayla, who seemed a little sad and made me want to friend her on Facebook or something. I hope Terrell gets someone to cover his shift next time so he can be there to show Kayla how much he loves her.
And then it was over for another week. The Dolls wiped the floor with the competition.
Again.
Time to hit the road.
JJ. Seloncé. Dance us out, will ya?
DD4L.
