#ShadyBoots
Imma ’bout to wrap one of these around each of your Mama’s mouths if they don’t shut up. Tell me if you can breath.
I don’t remember if it was APAC, TUPAC or AFLAC. But all I really know is it’s definitely their loss.
I don’t know what channel we’re all watching, but that weather girl looks just like my baby.
#NoWords
Lawd, geezis. And I thought her other set of twins was impressive. Hooty Hoo Times Two.
I’m right to here with all these Shakira weaves this week. I’m not playing.
Wham. Bam.
Summer Slam.
Lawd, have mercy. It’s only the first weekend of August and it’s already toastier than a giant bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos out there. The crunchy ones. And don’t even get me started on the humidity, cuz I swear my new hair started to frizz before I made it out the front door this morning. It’s a scorcher.
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any Buckin’ hotter…Bring It! has returned.
You heard me. Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls are back, yo!
Which is pretty exciting…and yet bittersweet…because when the temperature finally drops and the Back to School sales kick in, two Dolls will have to say goodbye to the team for good as Sunjai and Kayla graduate and head off into the Jackson sunset to pursue their dreams of dancing and performing and being awesome.
But let’s not get all emotional just yet. It’s only August. There’s still time to blubber later on when it’s not so hot. For now, the gang’s still together. And that’s all that matters.
The last time we saw Miss D and the Dolls was at The Battle Royale where, unfortunately, Traci Young-Byron and her snatched body somehow managed to also snatch the First Place trophy right off the judges table. YCDT Supastarz for the Win.
Needless to say, Dianna was not about to let that piece of history repeat itself as she began prepping for the 3 month summer season. She needed her girls to stay hungry.
Dianna-ism: (A new sub-category created to highlight random pearls of wisdom that fall out of Miss D’s mouth each week.) Stay Hungry. That’s why her a** is fat. Cuz she’s always hungry. Preaching to the choir, girlfriend. You gonna finish that bag or nah?
And can we talk about them Mamas? Gurl, pleez.
E’rrybody was back on the sidewalk, doing what they do best. Crazy as ever, they were still snooping around the front windows and talking so loud you could hear them straight through two panes of double-thick security glass. And looking pretty fly with a new coat of paint and fresh weave, I gotta say.
Dat’s rite. Every one of ’em got a tune-up over the summer.
Tina got a new weave!
By the time they hit those confessional shots all airbrushed up with vaseline on the camera lens and that silver highlighter stuff in the corner of their eyeballs…Dang.
DanThat’sCool Seal of Approval.
Side note: Don’t be judging. Just because I’m a little white boy who wore bow ties on Class Picture Day doesn’t mean I don’t know a good Brazilian Bundle when I see one or can’t appreciate edges that are laid to the Gawds, mmmkay?
And I know you didn’t think I even knew what that meant.
Dianna had cleaned out her storage closet (…apparently just moving all the crap to directly behind her desk from what I could tell…you see that pile o’ stuff back there?…) and turned the empty backroom into a MamaLounge straight out of the second floor of IKEA. No more sidewalk! You got chairs, ladies.
And it even came with a wide screen plasma and closed circuit TV camera just like the one at the 24 hour Sunoco gas station that’s so warped and blurry you can never tell who’s holding the gun during a stick-up. But it’s the thought that counts, right?
This season, there were lots of other changes that were being rolled out as well.
Kayla had been promoted to Assistant Director of the Dolls! No more Captain position for her, which meant that her old job was wide open.
Side note: Excuse me. Hold up. How HAWT did Miss Kayla look in those confessionals with her new makeup? Look at her. Right now.
Her face was BEAT.
Which is a good thing, BTW. I know that one, too.
Kayla’s open spot was going to stay that way for a while, because each week there was now going to be a Dance-Off (…Lifetime Television loves those things…just ask anyone on Dance Moms…) to determine who would lead the Stand Battle at each competition.
When the Dolls finally made it to the Summer Slam, Dianna would then pick the Captain for the following season. So many rules. Especially if you’re Camryn or Chrystianna, who both really want the position.
This week, the gang was headed to the Leave It On The Dance Floor Competition in Canton, where they would face off against their rivals the Divas Of Olive Branch, the Prancing Steperettes, the Xplosive Dance Company Of Dallas and the Girls Who Hog Two Seats On The Bus With Their Knock-Off Louis Bags And Pretend They Don’t See You Trying To Sit Down Next To Them While They’re Creeping Ex-Boyfriends On Instagram.
Divas Of Olive Branch. Neva McGruder. ‘Nuff said.
For the Creative Dance Category, Dianna had chosen a Dollywood theme which, thankfully, turned out to be a Dancing Dolls twist on the whole Bollywood thang and not a tribute to the Log Slide at Dolly Parton’s Theme Park. Clearly a relief to a studio full of young ladies who don’t like to get their hair wet.
As the girls began working on their choreography, we scooted down to Dallas to check in on the Xplosive Dance Company and their Director Charkeitha Frazier.
Despite the fact that the moniker ‘Charkeitha’ comes straight out of the Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine (…“Outfit of Choice: Chaaaaaaarkeithaaaaaaa”…) I really liked Ms. Frazier and her cowboy/cowgirl ways.
Especially when she had one girl climb on top of a bunch of other girls who were wearing a leather saddle in human-horse formation and told the poor little thing on top to…
“Ride it, Girl! Ride like we really Bringin’ It!”
Disclaimer: Since I’m still not really sure the age spread on my blog’s demographics, I’m just going to leave this graphic here and move on.
Back at the Dollhouse, Camryn and Chrystianna went head to head in the first official Captain’s Dance-Off of the season. They both werked it and twerked it, but Kayla and Miss D felt that Camryn didn’t have the hunger this week and gave the first Captain’s position to quiet little Chrystianna.
Side note: Was it really necessary to subtitle “Mimi’s Car” at the bottom of the screen as Mimi and Camryn drove home after the Dance-Off? Hilarious. I mean…who else’s car would it be? Mimi was driving it and Camryn was sitting in it. And I’m pretty sure that my girl Mimi has never carjacked anyone before…so…really?
Granted, it was filmed on a TrackPhone with the same grainy visuals you always see on COPS when they bust somebody for taking drugs across state lines, so I suppose someone who had never seen the show before might possibly think that Mimi stole the car from in front of the Dollhouse. But…really? She had her seat belt on and everything.
Trust me. Mimi will put warm cookies in your trunk when you’re not looking, but she ain’t stealing yo’ car even if the keys are in it. So chill.
And the filming was so dark you could barely make out where Mimi had taken a straight razor to the ‘I ♥ APAC Performing Arts School’ sticker on the rear bumper. You know somebody’s still kicking themselves in the a** down at the Admissions Office over that one. Suckahs.
Q. Did Neva’s bus bounce up and down when she was dancing in the aisle? Please tell me you saw that, cuz if the van’s a rockin’…
And then Seloncé showed up at the auditorium in a full-on belly dancer costume, because why not. I swear she did. And she was all like Oh, heeeeey…
Right before the competition began, Neva and Dianna had a brief Mean Girls Moment in front of the lockers. The usual. No biggie. Neva wanted a hug, which Miss D politely passed on and then the little man followed Neva back down the hall and it was over.
Miss D thinks Neva is a NutWad.
That same emcee was there again, but he was wearing a different bow tie/pocket square combo this time. I still can’t believe there’s only one Hip Hop Majorette Emcee in the whole state of Mississippi, but more power to him. Talk about job security. Dude has it locked down tighter than some of them sloppy braids in the front row.
We love Seloncé. And Mimi. And Tina. And Rittany. And Miss D. And Cheetos.
The Xplosive Dance Company was up next with a gigantic cardboard army tank that reminded me of my high school musical days. Except that we had a cardboard H.M.S. Pinafore floating across the stage vs. a tank that unleashed a million Xplosive Babies in camouflage.
So that didn’t really come out the way I intended it to sound, but their dance incorporated Charkeitha’s version of Baby Dancing Dolls. And you know how much I love them BDDs.
Especially Taelar. Hey, Boo.
The costumes were elaborate and the moves were solid. At some point the girls even removed all their veils and tossed them aside while Dianna ran around snatching them up like it was a Michael Kors Sample Sale or something. You see that?
Miss D is my Spirit Animal.
Especially when I’m at the mall.
Side note: Right about here was when they ran a long commercial for the new movie Ricki and the Flash and someone wrote on Twitter that “Maryland Streep is my favorite white person to watch sing” and I had to walk away from my iPad to take a shot.
In my mouth. And in my arm.
Maryland. Like the State of. Watch me sing.
Sometime I love the internet so much it hurts.
Dolls vs. Xplosives: Once I regrouped from that tweet, it was time to see who would be in the last round against the Divas Of Olive Branch. Dolls for the Win.
It’s always those quiet ones you gotta look out for, you know. For her first time evah as Captain, she nailed it. Just like I know Camryn will when it’s her turn. They’re both rockstars.
The Results: The Dancing Dolls took First Place in both Creative Dance and Stand Battle.
Yaaaaas! That’s what I call a great start to a summer season.
Everybody was excited and happy. Rittany was over the moon with her baby’s first job as Captain. Dianna was really impressed. Camryn supported her BFF like any true BFF would. But you just wait until next time.
Hear that tummy rumble? I think Camryn’s getting hungry.
Oh, yeah. Bring It! is back. But it’s over for this week.
Go home, Seloncé.
