This, tho. Again.
No, really. I’m being serious. If you’re gonna talk all night can I at least order another dessert?
Look familiar?
Imma gon’ need somebody to open up this library right now, cuz I’m about to read your a**.
And please give me the strength to not kick that crazy bitch down the stairs with my good leg, Lord.
Check it out, bruh. The “Plagiarizing Tigerettes” doesn’t even screw up the jacket embroidery.
My first name ain’t ‘Baby.’ It’s Mimi… Miss Hooty Hoo Harris if you’re Nasty. We good?
With apologies to Janet, of course.
Gimme a Weave!
Sittin’ in a Beauty Shop, thinking Nasty Thoughts.
Better be a Dancing Doll or you turn me off.
Nasty.
Nasty Boys.
I mean…Copycats. That’s what I meant.
Copycats are Nasty.
And Payback. Payback for taking First Place away from the Baby Dolls.
That’s a Bitch. And Nasty. So Bring It! yo.
At least that was the plan this time around as Dianna Williams and Quincy Oliver got ready to send their respective Big Girl versions back into battle for Round Two. It was the Dancing Dolls vs. the Prancing Tigerettes again. And it was on.
Still feeling the sting of her Baby Dolls losing out to the Prancing Pee Wees at the last competition, it was clear that Miss D was determined the full-size dancers reclaim the title that had slipped through the hands of the Mini-Ds as preparations began for this week’s hometown showdown in Jackson.
Losing itself was not really the issue last week, tho.
The issue had been Quincy’s questionably unprofessional victory lap around the auditorium after the awards were announced. Remember all that unnecessary celebration? How could you forget?
Part Great Gatsby flapper girl end of prohibition dance, part finale from The Music Man and part straight up Prancercising Tigerette, Coach Quincy paraded around the back of the room like his Anaconda don’t want none unless you got 76 trombones, hun.
Like this. But with less camel toe and more high top fade.
He was a mess.
And if we’ve learned one thing from our Dancing Dolls 101 curriculum thus far, it’s that whether you win OR lose…you do it with dignity, professionalism and as little celebratory Broadway vogueing as possible. Heads bowed. Eyes closed.
And no Fabulous arm work, please. Save it for the klub.
If we’ve learned anything else besides how to win and/or lose with dignity, it’s that when Dianna Williams scratches her weave with one finger you know she’s not liking it.
Cuz she did. And she wasn’t.
Especially when she found out that Quincy had been ‘strategically studying’ the Dolls at a number of their recent competitions, which is the same terminology Dynamic Diamond Dollz Coach John Connor always uses right before he hits ‘record’ on his iPhone from the back of the gymnasium and downloads the entire season like it’s on Netflix.
The entire thing just rubbed Dianna the wrong way. Much the same way that single crutch must have been irritating her right arm pit as she stood and addressed everyone at the Dollhouse Dance Factory on one bum knee. Ouch. Miss D had somehow popped out her knee and was hobbling around the floor at only 50% capacity. That’s gotta hurt.
Good thing that crutch had been sitting against the back wall since the show premiered last year. Now you all know I got mad love for Miss D, but I swear that pile of logo crap is getting bigger every episode. Maybe some Sunday afternoon we could all just get together and tidy up a bit. I’d be more than happy to take all those Size Mediums off your hands since I’m still waiting for the FedEx box that Mimi promised to send me last year.
But I digress.
Miss D wasn’t gonna let a wonky knee slow her down. Especially not during Janet Week.
Dat’s rite. M-I-S-S you much. THAT Janet. This week, the Dolls would be competing in both Stand Battle and a decade-themed Creative Dance. That’s where the Miss Jackson If You’re Nasty part came into play.
Because it’s really a DD4L Nation, you know. We just live in it.
As the girls started working on their military maneuvers, we headed to Memphis for a quick peek at the Prancing Tigerettes’ rehearsal where Quincy was threatening to legally change one dancer’s name to Box Of Rocks because she was…you know…that dumb.
Somewhere along the line, Quincy has lost all of his Boyz II Men bow ties and a good chunk of his charming humility, because this season he definitely seems a little thirstier and has gotten a whole lot sassier every time a camera gets in his face.
But we still like him. And his girls are fierce little dancers who look amazing in royal blue.
Back at the Dollhouse, Dianna had turned a piece of Staples office outlet furniture into a wheelchair and was scooting back and forth around the room like you do when you’re too lazy to get up from your desk to use the copier.
Outside on the MomWalk, Seloncé seemed a little blonder than I remember as my girl Mimi tried to explain the word “meniscus” to Tina and Tawantza.
Exactly like this. She’s the one in the middle.
Srsly. How much do we love Mimi? And this damn show?
I probably didn’t really need to know that she is a loud pee-er in the ladies room, but now that I do…well, I feel like my life is a little fuller in all honesty.
If Lifetime doesn’t extend the season past what the commercials are currently saying, Dianna ain’t the only one who’s gonna be needing a crutch…if you know what I mean.
As the Twins struggled with some of the intricate Rhythm Nation moves, Seloncé made it clear that she would continue to push her children to succeed just like Joe Jackson had done to his family, which made me remember Jermaine‘s Sharpie hair and Michael‘s micro-nose and then I wasn’t sure if she had really thought this thing through or not.
Cuz, you know. Joe Jackson.
But before I could even raise my hand, Tina and Seloncé went another round and I needed to focus on The Moment.
Full disclosure: No lie. I could watch the two of them go at it for hours, though I do miss the days when Tina’s hair wasn’t sewn in.
Please put that thing back on yo’ head.
Inside, Dianna pulled out the clipboard and started cutting down the dead wood in the forest. Star got cut. Sky and Big Sister Sunjai made it into the routine. And one girl was named Jersey, hopefully after the Garden State and not the grass-eating cow, because I don’t think Miss D would be that mean in front of everyone else.
As the dust settled, we took a breather for the worst eHarmony commercial ever.
Psych. My bad.
It actually turned out to be a legit blind date between Seloncé and some randomly friendly dude named Jason. So now it was the BEST eHarmony commercial ever because it was Seloncé and Girlfriend got all her Krazy back this week.
Side note: I had to Google ‘eHarmony’ because I couldn’t remember if there was a hyphen between the ‘e’ and the ‘H’ and now I’m horrified that somebody will hack my hard drive and think I’m trolling dating sites on a Friday night. You’re my witness if I get caught.
Just like when ‘where to buy glitter preemie unitards’ showed up twice at the Apple Genius Bar during my Toddlers & Tiaras days.
Gah. I miss that show. If I watched it, I mean.
The major takeaways from the dating scene were…
One: The smaller Selonce’s head gets, the bigger her jewelry gets. Two: She can talk for a minimum of 45 minutes without taking a breath. That crazy bitch could literally assist the Coast Guard on searches and never even need a tank. Three: Jason said she had a “Thick Tongue” which was so hilarious that it made me I don’t know what. Four: Part of Seloncé’s plan for World Domination includes marrying a man with a ton of kids and creating her own DD4L reboot of The Brady Bunch.
And Five: I love Seloncé so much that sometimes it makes my left eye hurt.
Jason didn’t serve her with a restraining order, but he also didn’t commit to another date next week, so I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how this one plays out over time.
Side note: I think I forgot to mention that back at the Dollhouse during rehearsals Tina kept saying “Do It For Janet!” which, coincidentally enough, is also my mantra whenever I’m faced with challenges and/or life altering decisions. Ask anyone I know. It’s true.
Just don’t make me do the Dance. Because I will.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Dianna was still on her crutch and Quincy was still missing his Pee Wee Herman tie. He did tell his team that “If you’re not smiling, you’re ugly” tho, so remember that the next time you’re sitting in line to get your license down at the DMV.
Before the show even started, it was time for Seloncé’s weekly attempt at pimping out her daughters to Miss D, which went as well as it always does every seven days.
This time she pulled Dianna and her wobbly leg out into the hallway (…how are kids supposed to do book report research if the library is closed on the weekend?…) and wanted to know what she needed to do to ensure that Star made cuts before the end of the current competition season.
Insert ‘Sunjai’ here: _________ and it was basically the same discussion they used to have last season about Seloncé’s oldest daughter.
These two when they get together. I swear. One was all like TalkToTheHand and the other one was all like PokeYourEyeOutWithTheEndOfMyCrutch and then it was over.
For seven days, anyway.
The Creative Dance category started the show. The Prancing Stepperettes hit the floor first with some kind of Tina Turner routine. I guess the fringed dresses were supposed to be the giveaway, but the moves didn’t get anybody rolling on the river.
If you’re gonna do Tina…you gotta do TinaMoves, kids. Trust me, I learned that the hard way at one of my first junior high cafetorium dances. Won’t be making that mistake again.
The Q Kidz from whoknowswhere were up next with some Josephine Baker choreography. I don’t even know what I’m talking about right now so we’ll just move on to the Prancing Tigerettes and their youtube Dancing Through The Ages shtick.
It was pretty good, but definitely not limited to just one decade. Since I never actually saw the rules in advance, I don’t know if that kind of medley was kosher or not, so I’m not really the one to judge this routine.
The other judges seemed to like it, except for that one judge who couldn’t possibly see anything through those bright blue sunglasses she was wearing.
Sunglasses. Inside. Like Diddy. To judge a dance competition.
Hashtag: PetPeeve.
And then the Dolls hit the floor and danced like it was 1814.
Killed. It.
By the time Camryn did that 90 degree Miss You Much hand snap, Mimi and I were both out of our seats screaming like we were trying to score Mardi Gras beads off some float.
That’s Our Baby!
As the girls regrouped backstage for the Stand Battle, Dianna and Quincy shared an awkward moment when they ran into each other in the hallway.
Miss D pulled the Lurk Card right away and accused Quincy of stealing some of the Dolls’ moves. Quincy was all like OhWow and then claimed that BOTH teams have had D and C Games in the past. Excuse me?
OhNoSheDin’t.
Yes, she did. She said D and C Games. To which Dianna put on a pair of those fake glasses from Claire’s and then read Quincy’s report card to everyone with basic cable.
Snap. Quincy was all like OhWow a lot, now that you mention it.
Then it was on.
Both teams destroyed it during the Stand Battle, which gave Mimi plenty to scream about.
Everyone was screaming and jumping up and down again, actually. Except Tawantza, that is, who never stood up once. I guess her feet must have been hurting that day.
Side note: Anyone else see that little baby behind Mimi rubbing her belly? Hilarious.
The Stands were definitely on fi-yah. Even when the PTs dragged out fake Kaylas and Camryns in the middle of their routines.
But don’t you worry, the Real Ones shut that thing down. Fast.
Side note: I don’t want to give away any secrets, but I think when they show the Dolls whipping their hair in slow motion it means they’re going to win the competition. Or at least that’s how it seems lately.
I know I always feel like a winner when I’m walking down the street and whip it real slow.
After Real Kayla told Fake Kayla to “Get Your Life” and Real Camryn out-spun Fake Camryn like she was drilling oil for BP, it was over.
The Dolls won it for the Babies! Both categories!
Quincy felt that his team had slayed their routines, but vowed to return even sassier next time. And with a video recorder that could hold a longer charge, just in case.
Backstage, Dianna gave another one of her signature post game wrap ups about the importance of working together. The girls rallied around the elaborate choreography and got the job done. And done right.
Miss D was proud. The DDPs were proud.
Even Janet would be proud.
The celebrating was off da hook, marred only by that one girl who had the dirtiest iPhone screen I’ve ever seen.
Hashtag: PetPeeveCleanYoPhone.
Srsly, Gurl.
Finger prints and hair goo all over yo’ screen?
DD4L!
