It’s like I always say. Drop the beatz and a Daddy’s gotta Nae Nae when a Daddy’s gotta Nae Nae.
Mama’s not gonna lie, JJ. One more song and I woulda been all up on that Soul Train caboose.
I think you all know where this one got her moves. You wanna Frosty shake with that or nah?
I swear. If one more person tweets about m’ dress I’m gonna snatch Tina’s wig and hurt somebody.
Lawd have mercy. The chat rooms were right. This crazy bitch really does think she’s Beyoncé…
It was just a damn puppet show. Like Pinocchio or Punch and VaJayJay. Relax, girlfriend.
Imma gon’ need you to be a good little puppet and close yo’ legs, cuz that s*** just nasty.
Gurrrrl, pleez. Have a seat.
A couple of them, actually. You can all sit down.
Dat’s rite. The Real Housewives of Jackson are in the hizzle, yo.
After almost breaking the internet over the past two months, the girls (…and boyeee…) of Lifetime’s Hip Hop Majorette Phenom Bring It! hit the couches this week for their first ever Reunion Show. And they hit it hard.
Part Dance Moms. Part Soul Train. Part VH1. Part any movie that starts with the words “Tyler Perry’s blah blah blah…,” this show has clearly grabbed America by its extensions and won’t let go. So what better time than now to get your hair did, put on some fancy clothes, come in off the sidewalk and break it all down for the rest of us.
Hosted by Kim Coles (…who’s probably best known for being seriously HIGHlarious back in the day on FOX’s In Living Color and then letting her hair go all squiggly wiggly natural like it had a mind of its own after the show ended…) the Reunion hit the ground running with the Moms already lined up on the couch à la Andy Cohen.
Dang, gurlz. You clean up nice.
After about nine weeks of winter jackets, Mickey Mouse hats and some unbeweavable moments of coiffured chaos (…remember the episode when my girl Tina‘s hair actually spent more time on the ground than on her head?…) it was a hoot to see all the ladies looking so fly. Cuz you know I love me some DDPs.
The tracks were on point, the edges were laid, the Yaki wasn’t jacked and I have no idea what I’m talking about. But someone tweeted it during the show with a smiley face after the sentence, so it must be a good thang.
Moral of the Story: The ladies looked fine. Lots of color. Loads of color, actually. And just enough crazy prints to give you the same kind of spots in front of your eyes that you get after a camera flash goes off at a birthday party.
Tina and Rittany were rocking’ some seriously bold fabrics that I couldn’t look at for very long, but they twerked it.
Seriously…stay tuned. They twerked it. I swear.
Neighborhood Stealth Spy Drone Mimi‘s dress was a little more of a Springtime plaid that somehow got the Twitterverse all wound up for whatever reason. And Seloncé busted out one of those Kim Zolciak Atlanta pageant gowns with the midsection cutaways that only look good on women with 0% body fat.
Trust me. Nobody wants to look like a human Play-Do factory squishing out multi-colored sausages while you’re screaming at NeNe Leakes. Luckily, Seloncé doesn’t keep donuts in the house so she never poked out of her dress and therefore retained the title of ‘Hot Mom’ for another week.
Coach Dianna “Miss D” Williams led the fashion parade all strapless and curled up as Kim asked her how she balances being a Coach with being a Mom.
We got to see the softer side of Dianna as she revealed that every once in awhile she has an over achiever meltdown and just needs to go hide somewhere and cry. Part of me could feel her pain. The other part of me just decided to lower my expectations and have fewer attainable goals in life. Problem solved.
We also found out that Dianna had tried out for a college majorette team a number of times but never made the final cut, which was the catalyst to opening up her own dance bidnezz. Turning a failure into a win, as they say.
Kim took us on a quick flashback through some of Miss D’s more memorable coaching moments (…“You ain’t Nicki Minaj!”…) and then introduced the Dancing Dolls themselves, who busted out a quick field show on the other side of the room.
Kayla! Sunjai! Camryn! Crystianna!
After they finished the routine, each girl demonstrated a particular dance move as Dianna explained what was happening.
Cat Jump. Death Drop. Elbow Cartwheel. And a Rollover Into A Backbend.
Sidenote: When the EMTs pull my unconscious body from my building next week, tell them I was trying the second one, please.
The Dolls then scooched over onto the couches and relived some classic Mom Moments, including Rittany saying ‘Ridikilus’ and Tina’s ‘Public Service Announcement’ about cashing Reality Checks.
And there might have been a wig snatch up in there somewhere, too. I died a little.
Love. These. Moms. Period. End of sentence.
Oh. And Seloncé’s a grandmother, by the way.
Baby at 14. Granny by 30. Lawd ha’ mercy. That kind of just came out of nowhere, but that’s what makes this show such a scream. Don’t look away for a second.
When we came back from a commercial break the Moms had all been dipped in some kind of radioactive-resistant superhero liquid nylon and were running around in skintight bodysuits (…Pixar’s newest The Boughetto Incredibles?…) getting ready to dance.
I know, right? Dancing DDPs. Shut. Up.
After a quick team twerk, each Mom hit the center stage spotlight like they were back on American Bandstand. Rittany got in about 5 seconds of buh-buh-boogie before Seloncé took over the floor and proved that Grandmas do Run The World, Girls.
Honestly, I assumed the rest of the hour was just going to be Seloncé dancing around in a circle, because I had no idea how anyone was going to get her to stop. But eventually Tina got the hook and brought her own brand of Wendy’s milkshake to the yard.
Boom. Boom. And Pow.
That was no jam. Or jelly. That was straight up Tina on a cracker, ya’ll.
And that wig wasn’t going nowhere tonight. It was tight. And right. And whipping around like she was one of Charlie’s Angels chasing bad guys on a moped.
Mimi finished the whole thing off with a dance that started out looking like she was just going to carry a laundry basket down cellar but then ended up a lot funkier when she did a one handed upside down kinda thing. Truth. These Mamas got it going on.
Don’t even get me started on Tina’s Fat Girl Shuffle. Call me, Girl.
In true Dance Moms fashion, we then had a few more minutes of Mother/Daughter bonding (…complete with a Stand Battle!..) and then Kim brought out the Evil Nemesis from the opposing dance company.
Neva McGruder. From the Divas Of Olive Branch. Aw Hell Nah.
Move over Candy Apples. This is how you get under someone’s skin.
Wearing every animal print known to still be out there in the Wild, Neva came on stage and immediately started pushing all of Miss D’s buttons.
As you’ll recall, the Divas and the Dolls had not been feeling the Love for awhile. They faced each other a number of times during the season. In Stand Battles. In Street Battles. And sometimes on their backs with their legs spread wide open like hoochies.
Oh. Yeah. The Stinky Divas. Now you remember?
Basically, it pretty much spiraled out of control in front of Kim as soon as Neva confronted Dianna about comments she had made regarding the Divas laying back like old fashioned bunny ear TV antennas and flashing their naughty bit channel knobs to the crowd.
During the original episode, Dianna had said “What is this? A strip club?” after seeing the girls all…you know. And now Neva felt it necessary to drag out Dianna’s past and accuse her of pulling the Divas back into ‘That World’ with her comments.
Umm. That World? Yikes.
Neva got all defensive. Dianna got all Hashtag: GirlBye. And then Kim looked for the panic button under the arm of her chair.
The award for Best Line Of The Night And Maybe The Century went to Neva when she claimed that the entire routine was meant to be a cutesie puppet move.
Puppet. Move.
One. I hope she meant ‘Marionette,’ because I don’t know anyone who’s gonna stick their hand up inside those puppets and make ‘em talk.
And Two. A Puppet Move? #GirlBye.
I’m not even going to mention that Neva snuck in one last WTF by pointing out that it’s impossible to dance without spreading your legs. I’m not. So don’t ask me.
Please. Someone save us from this madness.
Someone like JJ!
Complete with a fully charged Sidekick on his belt, Sunjai’s Dancing Baby Daddy hit the lights. Because a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy’s gotta do.
And clearly, what a Daddy’s gotta do is the Nae Nae. Because he did it.
Youtube it if you don’t believe me. It’s the latest rage with all the kids.
Dude can dance. James Junior was in da house to show all the ladies how it’s done and werked it like George Jefferson used to do when there were no customers inside the dry cleaning store.
Tina just ’bout fell out of her seat. Hard. I said Call me, Girl. What’s the hold up?
JJ represented the supportive daddy contingent like a Boss. He loves his baby and will go to the ends of the earth (…and most every competition…) to show Sunjai that she’s his princess. Cuz, you know…a Daddy’s gotta do…
As the clocked ticked down, there was just enough time to bring out everyone’s favorites…The Baby Dancing Dolls!
Seriously. These little niblets. I just can’t.
So cute. So sassy. And 90% weave. These tiny bottle rockets are pure gold and hit their marks just like the Big Girls. They’re so tiny and so fast it’s almost like trying to watch a bug when it’s caught between your window and the screen. They need their own Nickelodeon spin-off show asap. Maybe it could even be animated.
Because that would be awe…some.
(See what can happen when you don’t spend all night on your PS4, kids?)
We even got to interview tiny Destini and Taelar. (Nice to see that someone is still getting some use out of the old Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine. I hated to see that thing go to waste when TLC cancelled the show.)
They both held their microphones like they were Whitney Houston and you need to watch that segment over and over every time you feel sad, because the Baby Dolls are exceptionally smile-inducing on a bad day.
And then it was over already.
I guess they edited out some other lady who was shown in a bunch of promo photos, because they never showed her…or her chair…during the entire show. I’m too lazy to Google it, so I guess it’ll just be one more urban legend that will probably outlive us all.
Before she shut the whole thing down, Kim tried to get some scoop on the recently announced second season, but Dianna wasn’t giving away no dirt for free. No way.
So I guess we’ll all have to come back later this Summer and see wassup with the Dolls.
The Big Ones and the Little Ones.
I’ve already got my spot on the Dollhouse sidewalk reserved. I’ll be right there getting my Krazy on with all the Moms if you need me.
But for now…just pat it, snatch it, wash it and then hang it out to dry.
That way it’ll be fresh and ready to go for a whole new season of Bring It! that’s just around the corner.
See you then, mmmkay?
DD4L.
