Bring It!: New Season. New Team. You Gotta Be Straight Outta Yo’ Mind To Call Out Miss Dianna And The Dolls.

Yo. Imma need you to keep both hands on the wheel and toss that chandelier air freshener out the window asap.

The hellz all that sparkly s*** piling up behind us this season? This ain’t no Dance Moms.

I know, right? Look at it all back there. Nobody even wears that size anymore.

The Fierce Is Strong With This One. Pat Yo’ Weave, You Will.

I don’t remember Season One wigs hurting my head so much. Imma ’bout ready to go back to the Dollar Store.

You see that? That’s why New Weave Wednesday comes right after Yank Out All My Hair Tuesday.

I know I didn’t just drive 3,000 miles on a bus to have you hold your damn sign upside down, gurl.

Wait.  What?

Did I hear you right?

Lemme move my weave.  One more time…?

Yaaaaas!

Yaaaaassss!!
 I mean…YAAAAAASSSS!!
And of course…YAAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!!
Bring It! is back!

Dat’s rite, Boo.  Dianna Williams and her Jackson, MS Dancing Dolls just returned for another season of werking and twerking and snatching and patting and laughing and screaming and taking part in all the DD4L hilarity we’ve grown to love.

And don’t forget the dancing.  Because that’s kind of their thang, you know.

Dancing.  And competing.  And empowering young girls.  And building self esteem.  And proving all the haters wrong.  And somehow managing to get it all done while a backroom full of the loudest and funniest and whackiest Dance Mamas evah all run around in circles gossiping and making faces and bumping into each other until they all fall down.

Yup.  It’s a good time to be alive, yo.  Bring It! is back.

And with all the craziness in the CNN World, it was nice to see that the Dollhouse Dance Factory was still there, just like we remembered it.

The Same.  But Different.

Since we last saw everyone, the Battle Squad had lost 7 girls due to graduation and some nonsense about having to grow up and become adults.  (Not a fan, thank you.)  Sunjai was off at college, leaving Mama Seloncé (…does she still think she’s Beyoncé or is it time to retire that nickname?…) at home with twins Star and Sky, who both wore glasses this week just to mess with our heads.

Luckily, only one of Baby Daddy JJ‘s lookalike Baby Girls had enough time to flat iron her hair, so at least I knew I wasn’t having a stroke and seeing double.

Kayla was settling nicely into her role as Assistant Coach under Dianna.  You just know she’s gonna rock that job title this year.  Which means that Mama Tina isn’t going anywhere soon.  Which is fine by me, because we love Tina.  And her seemingly endless supply of wigs that run the gamut from Neiman Marcus couture to that shiny red Season One Dick Van Dyke thing with the Rose Marie hair bow that fell off her head every time she sneezed.  We love Tina so hard.

Side note:  I couldn’t find a decent clip of Rose Marie doing anything or any TinaWig video that I hadn’t already used a million times, so please do enjoy this lady from The Price Is Right while most of my readers grab their iPhones and Google ‘Who Is Dick Van Dyke?’ 

My life.  I swear.

Cutie patootie Camryn was now Captain of the Dancing Dolls, with back up support coming from Co-Captains Crystianna and MaKalah.  A whole new team leadership, but solid as a rock.  And if Dianna wasn’t stressing, than you shouldn’t either.  Mama Mimi certainly wasn’t.  She was too busy being proud and creating a batch of new MimiFaces to entertain us with this season.  Like this one…

Yaaaaas, Gaga.  Yaaaaas.

Dianna even got herself a real office for a change.  And a new Prop Guy on Lifetime’s dime, apparently, because there was literally stuff decorating every corner of the studio and office and IKEA Lounge/Viewing Room as far as the eye could see.  You catch all that merch?  That shizz ain’t cheap.

Side note:  Those yellow lightbulb “DDs” gave the Viewing Room a nice Broadway Show Dressing Room ambiance, tho, I must say.  Or maybe the Ground Round.  Maybe that’s what I meant.

Please, Sir.  I want some more.  Can this show be two hours every week?

For the first episode, all the girls arrived at the Dollhouse in shiny new cars like they were on The Bachelor or something.  But they weren’t on The Bachelor, of course.  That would be inappropriate for such young ladies, even though I would kill to see Tina during the final Rose Ceremony, snatching that flower out of some chick’s hand like it was a bucket of Wing Stop takeout.

Side note:  Mimi drove a Camaro.  Because, you know…why not?

We love her.

And of course it came with a leather wrapped steering wheel and a mini Liberace chandelier dingling off the rear view.  Because…you know.  Mimi.

Camryn kept looking up at it all like…

I swear she’s looking more like her Mama every day, if you know what I mean.
Even with the new competition season just beginning, all the focus was already on the final Battle Royale.  A battle that the Dolls had yet to win.

This time around, the competition was requiring a solo that would suck up 50% of the total score, so this was a big dealio that Dianna needed to put some serious thought into before assigning the routine to any of the girls.  Stay tuned for them results in a few months.

But for now, it was all about the upcoming Street Battle against the Divas Of Compton.

Yeah.  That Compton.  Like the movie.  And the t-shirt.

Somehow, for some reason, according to Coach Kehli Berry, the Divas Of Compton just happened to be “passing through” Jackson on their way from California to the Atlantic Ocean, I guess, and had challenged the Dolls to a rule-free Street Battle.

And we all know how well Street Battles work out.

In the Dance World, they’re like Real Housewives Dinner Parties.  Google it again.

I really liked Kehli, even though every visiting coach seems to come out with both barrels blazing as soon as the cameras roll.  They’re all out for blood.  They’re all better than Miss D.  They all talk smack and emphasize every word like they’re playing to the cheap seats.
It’s real, I tell you.  The thirst is real.

The Divas (…Divine Innovative Virtuous Angels, BTW…) were leaving their West Coast studio (…the one with the name spelled out on the front window in what I believe were pieces of construction paper printed with HP inkjets…) to face off with the Dolls in a cage match for bragging rights and whoknowswhatelse.

As Dianna showed the girls the iPad video invite that Kehli had sent to the Dolls (…how did we intimidate people before technology?…) the Mamas were all out back in the newly redecorated IKEA Lounge meeting yet another new Mama.

Hold up.  What?  There’s another one?

Meet Dana and her Chanel brooch:

What.  A.  Hoot.

Dana’s the kind of lady you can still hear talking even when you’re under the salon dryer on the day before Christmas.

She’s also the kind of lady who will knock on that same dryer in the last two minutes while your color is processing and totally f*** up your highlights because she wants to ask you something that could easily wait until the egg timer goes off.

Hey, Boo.  Can you hear me?

I said, can you hear me?  I know you can hear me, girl.  Don’t you play.
What a piece of work.  I love this show so much.

Dana gave some convoluted story about being life-long BFF neighbors with Dianna and being one of the original Dancing Dolls and getting her daughter Faith onto the team by threatening to spread the Legacy Virus or something.  I forget.  I might be confusing parts of the story with one of the X-Men movies.  I zoned out for a few.

Almost as hilarious as Dana’s entrance was Mimi’s StankEye SideEye that manifested itself as soon as Dana started telling stories…

Because that totally happened.

And You Can Quote Me On This:  When Rittany eventually throws this crazy lady out a moving bus window, Dana needs to just go and co-host The View.  Because, I mean…look at her.  She’s not gonna take any crap from Whoopie or The Biggest Loser guy when he makes fun of fat people.

Side note:  Did you see that on New Year’s Eve?  When Bob Harper completely hated on the people who pay for his mansion and spray tans and botox?  What a Dbag.

And speaking of Rittany.  Dang, girl.  That short hair is da bomb diddly bomb.

Did I forget to mention that the Dolls all had fancy shmancy practice uniforms now?

Because they did.  No more pajama bottoms and Hot Topic tops.  No, ma’am.  And they looked mighty professional, I gotta say.

As Dianna ran the team through drills and cuts, it was clear that the twins were struggling.

Not only did they both space out on most of the routines, but they both made the same ScrunchyMouth faces when confronted by Miss D after practice.

Here’s one of them…

And here’s the other one…
Well, ok.  The hair gave it away.  But they’re twins.  So same diff.

Selena (…I just decided to go back to her legal name…) vowed to help her girls get their mojo back and then did something to drive Miss D up the wall.  I forget what, exactly, but I’m sure it was a gem, because she’s really good at making Dianna lose her nutty.

With one day to go, Kehli hit up Miss D on her iPad again with a second challenge.

A Call Out Round, where the top five girls on each team would go head-to-head by…duh…calling each other out.

Oh, hey.  I almost forgot NaShumba.  She’s back.  And giving SideEye on the flip side.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for my boy Jay Fever Johnny Harrington Carrington Kardashian V to hit the floor as emcee once again.  Dude’s got almost as many names as he has pocket squares, but he goes by Jay Fever in the industry.  Easier to say and cheaper to print on biz cards.

I almost didn’t recognize him without his GQ suit.  Dude was in the hizzle all decked out in Street Battle shizzle.  F’realz.

And branded like a Boss.  Fo sho.

Part Rhythm Nation dancer, part Twitter Bird Icon, my boy was giving @jayfever realness from his cap to his Jordans.

As a matter of fact, everyone was rocking some form of chapeau.  I guess that’s a required Street Battle accessory that some of us aren’t hip to yet, which still doesn’t make much sense if you consider that a real Street Battle would end in somebody getting their hat AND their block knocked off.  So why bother? 

Again.  That was a joke.  Violence is never the answer, kids.
But hats are, apparently.  Like this one…
And these.  Look at Dana and all her Chanel baubles.  You go, girl.
And even this Wild West one.
Sorry.  Wrong show.  But still hilarious.

The Street Battle was held in some kind of fenced-off airplane hangar meets loading dock garage thingamajig.  I’m not really sure what it was.  And nobody online knew what the ‘iiii mississippi’ stood for on the side of the building.

So I’m gonna go with the place that Han Solo had his Millennium Falcon repaired, because that’s what it looked like to me, even though I don’t remember Mississippi playing a very big role in any of the Star Wars movies.

First Round Stand Battle:  Dancing Dolls for the win!

Second Round Call Out:  Divas Of Compton for the win!

Uh oh.  That meant a tie.  At least according to the judges who held up graffiti signs to show their votes.  Because that’s how it’s done in a Street Battle.

And how about that one judge who decided to use her 15 minutes of fame to hold her sign upside down?  It’s worth a second glance.  Judge #3 in the navy blue is not having it.

That gon’ be a long ride home, sistah.

To break the tie…and to emasculate my boy Jay for a hot second…Kehli swiped the microphone right out of his paw and challenged Dianna to a Coach’s Battle.

Right now.  On the spot.  I called you out.

And then she screamed a bunch.  And then Dianna screamed back.  And then the censors started blurring out everybody’s mouths.  It was insane.

People were standing up and sitting down and just generally going straight up mob mentality.  These people aren’t even all looking in the same direction.  What the wha–?

Look at that baby, tho.  She’s trippin’.

Turns out Miss D had a Boo Boo Kitty on her knee, so she couldn’t perform.  She wasn’t about to risk paralysis just to shut up some looney tune from Compton.

So in stepped Kayla.  Back on the floor where she belongs.

Short Version:  She nailed it and sent Compton back to Compton with nuthin.  Dancing Dolls took the Street Battle!!

Longer Version:  Kehli tried her best…and did hella good even though she pissed and moaned about how old she was and how young Kayla was and posed like this for a little bit too long…

…but Kayla still whipped her hair and the competition’s a** without losing a track.

Kehli’s a Beast.  Kayla’s a Beast.  But somebody had to win.

And then it was over.

Except for this.  Because it was Hat Day after all…

Yaaaaas.  Bring It! is back.

DD4L!