Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé Beyoncé
Well, hello there Mister Blue Gummy Worm. Who left you lying ’round here? Don’t mind if I do…
Clearly there’s no 5 Second Rule in Miami, cuz I swear she ate that thing right off the floor.
I said stop pounding the door and dissin’ my Destiny’s Child. Michelle Williams is EVERYthing, Boo.
That newbie just lucky this is sewn in or it’d be time for a Public Service Announcement.
Pull up to this bumper, boyz.
Oh. Hell. Nah.
Lawd, my eyes are on fiyah from all this smoke. Has anyone seen my new bag of Gummy Worms?
DD4L!
And DDP! And even BDD! Finally.
All your favorite elite world of hip-hop majorette competition shizzle is finally back in the Dollhouse Dance Factory hizzle, yo. Miss D and the Mamas have returned.
Bring It! is back. And it’s about buckin’ time.
Season Two just kicked off and as soon as Dianna Williams & Company hit the studio floor (…and sidewalk…) they were all werking and twerking and pattin’ and snatchin’ without skipping a beat. Srsly. How much did we miss this show?
Love.
Now that the Dancing Dolls are f’real too legit to quit TV stars after a breakout freshman year, everything got a fresh coat of paint this week. Opening credits were shinier, they popped a new filter on the confessional one-on-one MamaMoments, the girls all got updated Stand Battle costumes and…like any good First Day of School…everyone got new kicks and a fresh weave.
But, as the Dolls quickly realized, being media darlings doesn’t mean you can skip out on practice. Especially when Dianna got right down to bidnezz as soon as those aforementioned shiny credits finished rolling. Some hairstyles may have changed over the hiatus, but not the message of the show: Hard work is still required to reach your goal.
Beginning with an outside team staircase drill leading to some big town hall-looking building that was either a library, courthouse or police station. Since I try to avoid all three at all costs, I’m not really sure where they were. But they ran up and down the stairs a few times anyway, in an odd DD4L style that was kind of a cross between that scene in Rocky and the time that big girl got bad DNA results on The Maury Show and took off out the front door wearing only one shoe.
Kayla don’t exercise. She put that disclaimer right out there.
This week, as part of the Dolls’ national a** kicking tour, they were headed down the road a few miles to the Bring It To The Floor Competition in Vicksburg, MI for a second face-off with one of their newest and most (…pastel and primary…) colorful rivals. And Dianna could already feel the heat.
The Miami Heat, y’all.
Dat’s rite. The YCDT SupaStarz were coming back looking for a second win against the Dolls, but Miss D wasn’t gonna let that happen. Nope. Handing over another win to Coach Traci Young-Byron wasn’t an option. Not after last time.
You remember Traci, right? She’s that skinny ball of Miami Sound Machine energy who looks exactly like the Love Child of Grace Jones and a #2 pencil eraser.
Girl is hyper.
As the Dolls grabbed a few bananas to prevent any post-Maury Show cramping, we scooted down to Miami for a quick check on Traci and her team, who were already hard at work creating new Stands in their attempt to overthrow the Dollhouse once again.
Just a YCDTFYI: All the dancers look exactly the same. Exactly. Same body type. Same height. Apparently, they exercise ALL the time and Suck It In so Traci doesn’t have to look at what they just ate, even though I think that would actually have the opposite effect if you really think about it for a few minutes.
They also all have the same Olympic ice skater bob hair cuts. And the same faces. Probably even the same eye color. Like Traci is breeding them in a Top Secret government-run YCDT underground laboratory below the building or something.
And was I the only one who noticed that Traci’s studio looks exactly like that store that only sells candles, wine glasses with hand painted rims and home made bars of soap that you cut like Cracker Barrel cheese?
I forget the name of the store, but every town has one. And that’s where Traci and her team practice now that the store went out of business. Because, I mean…how many bars of Rain Forest glycerin soap does one person really need in their lifetime?
Shopping tip: If your town’s store is still open, buy the soap last before you go home because otherwise it’s all you smell all day while you’re at the mall.
But I digress.
Tracy’s Secret Weapon for this competition: BOYZ.
Stay tuned.
Back home in Jackson, Miss D and the girls were also busting a move or two getting ready for Vicksburg. Including a new Doll in the mix, ZaTia.
Side note: Don’t take the drug Zetia if you’re already taking Prevalite or Questran because it could do bad stuff to you. Trust me. I had never even heard of Zetia before, but my Macbook kept flubbing the new Doll’s name to ‘Zetia’ so many times that I finally Googled it just to see what all the excitement was about.
Now you know I loooove me some DD4L, but this show is an autocorrecting nightmare. Can’t we have just one kid named ‘Sally’ so I can finish these recaps in under 8 hours?
But I digress. Again.
ZaTia is a cutie who just got bumped up from the Baby Doll ranks and was now hoping to play with the Big Dawgz. She wore one of those hats that Selena Gomez used to wear before Justin Bieber f***d up her brain as she explained how much harder it is to dance on the varsity team. Since I always have a soft spot for fellow orthodontically challenged tweens (…being a former TinGrin myself…) we liked her right away.
At least we did for the ten minutes before Dianna cut her from the team.
Outside on the sidewalk, though, is where the party really starts each week.
You know dat.
DDP! The Mamas were back! Mimi, Selena, Rittany and Tina were all present and accounted for, as well as ZaTia’s Mom Sally.
Kidding. It was Tawantza.
Love. Me. Some. Mamas.
Even new girl Tawantza, who’s every Beyoncé other Beyoncé word Beyoncé was Beyoncé something Beyoncé about Beyoncé. No lie.
Her daughter was going to be the next Beyoncé. You can’t have Destiny’s Child without Beyoncé. She bought the crazy Hawaiian shirt she was wearing from a store that had a photo of Beyoncé taped to the cash register. Beyoncé.
And did we mention Beyoncé?
Even the original Beyoncé wannabe Selena was all like ‘dial it down, girlfriend…’ though they did bond in an odd First Year Of College Mom kind of way, which made me smile.
And then ZaTia got cut. Tawantza lost her noodle and pounded on the glass window. Mimi ran for the hills. Dianna came out and lost a much bigger and much louder noodle. And then the new kids drove off into the sunset before the first commercial break.
But they’ll be back, because…you know. The whole Destiny’s Child thing.
Beyoncé.
Side note: While Dianna and Tawantza were all up in each other’s grill, did you see the four Original Recipe Moms just chillaxing back by the window? They totally looked like one of those TLC girl groups that used to be on MTV all the time. I just forget which one.
Bonus Points for all the new weaves being on point. And for remaining attached throughout the first fight of the season.
Next thing you know, we were over at Kayla’s house making I-don’t-know-what in the electric skillet. She and Tina were having a Heart2Heart mother/daughter moment about college and life and growing up. And cheese grits, I think. It was nice to see.
Unfortunately, I was a little distracted by all those Doritos bags (…Tina does like her Shuffle Snacks…) and that Paul Revere sauce pot she was using to rustle up their grub.
Srsly? Put that thang on eBay, gurrrrl. It’s probably vintage.
I love the real bond between all the Moms and their daughters on the show. Gives me the fuzzies every time. So many Feels for a Friday night.
Cute Overload Warning: Next day, back at the Dollhouse, Dianna and the gang were putting the final touches on their own Secret Weapon. The Baby Dolls were taking part in the final Stand, along with the one boy they found in Jackson who also had pencil eraser hair. Dianna was pulling out her entire arsenal this week.
The Plan: While the BDDs were doinking around doing their Chuck E. Cheese ball pit bounces, one of Dianna’s male choreographers was going to come out dressed as Grace Jones and get run over by a BDDPD car.
I see what you’re doing there, Miss D.
Honestly, you could just have the Baby Dolls come out and lay on the floor reading My Little Pony comic books and I’d be fine with that.
They. Are. Awesome.
Kayla got a little frustrated with their short attention spans and Dianna noted that the BDDs don’t always use common sense, but since most of them don’t even know how to use a telephone yet, much less common sense, Imma gon’ cut them some slack.
Because. They. Are. Awesome.
And then the freakin’ YCDT freakin’ tour bus pulled right up to the bumper (…second chance on the Grace Jones song reference. Anyone catch it or am I getting too old?…) and everyone from Miami poured out onto the Dance Factory sidewalk to cause trouble.
Traci had some crazy a** blue lipstick on and carried her colored handbag in the crook of her arm like a Real Housewife. Those were the only two real takeaways from that scene since she didn’t get the rise out of Dianna that she had expected.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Disclaimer: So we don’t have any more hate mail this year, can we just come to an understanding that I DO know what all those shower caps are used for, but at some point in the near future I will probably still make shower cap jokes? And more weave jokes.
Definitely weave jokes. Thank you. Moving on.
Oh. And the Walgreen’s bags. Almost forgot those. Those are fair game, too.
Traci and her team came into the venue already wired for sound. Something tells me that she had already helped herself to a few handfuls of those blue Gummy Worms that she kept scarfing down later on during the performance.
As Miss D led the Prayer Circle, her LadyBoy choreographer was giving enough full makeup Grace Jones Drag Queen Realness to make me bow my own head for a second and give thanks to the holy RuPaul.
Both teams hit the floor with a vengeance. Boom. Boom. Bam. And Pow.
The crowd went wild. The Mamas went wilder. I swear they were wound tighter than Rittany’s new ‘do.
YCDT had tutus and boyz all over the place. The Dolls had attitude. And Mimi, who temporarily broke Twitter by saying something about dancing boys and football in the same sentence.
Did I mention that Mimi was just as crazy as ever this week? Cuz she wuz.
And she’s my girl. Hooty Hoo, baby. Hooty Hoo.
The SupaStarz’s final Stand was an elaborate construction site looking thing where all the girls attempted to build themselves up into a giant pyramidal contraption until the top girl slipped and fell off on top of the other girls.
Ouch. Nobody got seriously hurt, which was good. And they probably lost a few points for face planting, which was even better if you’re Team DD4L.
By the time the Dolls rolled out their Secret Weapon chariot and all those bouncing Baby Dolls, the crowd and I were running in circles.
It was like the best Andy Warhol night at Studio 54 ever.
Think about it. Grace Jones twirling all over the floor being fabulous. Costumed babies booty popping to club remixes. Somebody pulling a fire extinguisher and hosing down the dance floor. Smoke everywhere. Even the cops showed up in a fully charged Barbie corvette covered in DD4L stickers to raid the place and shut it down.
But nobody stopped dancing.
At least not until the Dolls took First Place and got their revenge against YCDT.
You heard me. First Place.
But we haven’t felt the last of that Miami Heat. You can be sure of it.
For now, though, it was back to Jackson to celebrate.
Because Bring It! finally brung it back this week.
DD4L!
