So the producers said my weave can’t be any higher than this for the camera shot. Not cool at all.
I swear. If my damn eyelashes weren’t sticking together, I would pop off on this bitch so hard.
#MiniMimiFace
Lawd have mercy. Where my baby get all these crazy faces from? Who does that? Hooty Who?
So, yeah. See what it says down there? Haters might wanna suck on that during the commercial.
My old coach was pregnant for 32 months, so I ain’t scared of nothing now. Bring It on.
While it’s up there, check out these guns before you start talking smack. They’re loaded.
You hear me?
I said Step Up Or Fall Back, y’all. My new mantra.
And if it wasn’t already being sold on a commemorative t-shirt at this week’s Bring It! competition, you know I’d be glitter glueing the crap out of that thing right now.
Dianna Williams and her Dancing Dolls were staying local for this one, which meant less packing and more time to get right down to bidnezz as soon as the credits rolled.
After a quick visual tour presented by the Jackson MS Visitors Center, I mean. Jackson has some very cool old buildings that they always flash across the screen before and after the breaks. They should tag them with a Google Maps thing or something. Not that I could actually find Jackson on a map yet.
But when Miss D has me over for her Sunday Cheetos Brunch, Imma need ta know.
(That kid has a Jumbo Bag of Cheetos AND some kind of battalion made up of plastic army soldiers waving American flags on his kitchen counter. Mic Drop. Game Over.)
Luckily, one of my favorite readers always seems to know her Jackson shizz, so hopefully she can ride around town and find that funky Electric Department traffic light switcher box that was painted in a cartoon face, because I kinda need that in my life right now.
Anyway. Off track already.
At this week’s SUorFB competition, the Dancing Dolls would be going up against Fierce Elite from Mobile AL, Atlanta Glitter from WhereDoYouThink, hometown rivals the Purple Diamonds and the Girls Who Break Up With Their Boyfriends On FaceTime Right There In The Middle Of Burger King While You’re Tryna Eat Your 2 For $5.
Q. Who does that? That’s what the Food Court is for, honey. Der.
You remember the Purple Diamonds. They’re the ones who booty slapped themselves into an NC-17 Rating after taking First Place from the Dolls at one of the previous competitions. Granted, that drama has kinda sorta been worked through since it happened way back when, but once it’s on Lifetime’s B-Roll…you know how that goes.
You’ll also remember the PD Coach Shanika Lee. We really like her. She’s pretty, has a great smile and unintentionally broke the Guinness Book of World Records for the Longest Gestation Period of any human or animal species.
No lie. She was pregnant for my entire Bring It! Xfinity Season Pass last year.
Side note: The common Frilled Shark (Chlamydoselachus engines) has to swim around pregnant for 3.5 years. I swear. I Googled it. And you’d look like that too, if your ankles were swollen for 42 months.
It has something redoink like 300 teeth in 25 rows that all face backwards so it can rip off the face of its prey. And really big eyes like those Sad Clown paintings everyone used to have hanging on their wood paneled living room walls. Scary. Like the ’70s.
Probably not as scary as sharks that fall from the sky.
Check out how she’s already rocking horizontal stripes like a Boss after three years of baby weight. She even matches the folding chairs. You go, girl.
I know, right? Escandaloso.
Turns out that back in 2010 there was some kind of Mama Drama that resulted in Jalen’s Mom Nashumba (…the Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine was working overtime this week…) snatching her kid right out of the Dancing Dolls and dropping her off at Purple Diamonds for the last few years.
I know right? Muy Escandalosa.
The Mamas, tho? I know they love her, too. You just can’t hear it over some of the crazy.
Back in the newly renovated DDP/IKEA Lounge (…like the fancy Coca-Cola one they used to have on American Idol but without the stairs…) Mimi, Seloncé, Tina and Rittany were working on getting the butt dents juuuuussst right on each of their individually assigned chairs when in walked Nashumba and Antionette (…Toddlers & Tiaras’ version of the Queen of France…) who was a completely new face that kind of caught me off guard. Either the door was left wide open or this new Mama is gonna play into all the action soon. Dunno. But I gave her a pass this time, even though she did this a lot…
All the Original Recipe DDPs were like Whaaaaaa–?? when Nashumba strolled in…
(I know I already used that #MimiFace in the intro. But c’mon. Look at it. ♥)
Even Tina was smelling BS. And rocking a smokey eye.
But Rittany works retail. Which explains her awesome #RetailFace.
I had it when I worked retail. And probably still have it, because there’s no cure.
It’s the face you get after years and years of customers yelling at you on Christmas Eve, one hour before the mall closes, because you don’t have their size in stock anymore. You can also get it from your part-time help thinking that a 10-2 shift actually means 10:37 to whatever time your Mom shows up to pick you up and you need to go now because she refuses to pull into a spot or go under the parking deck because it’s a new car.
#RetailFace is different than #WTFFace. I just can’t explain it unless you’ve worked it.
Looking at Rittany is like looking in a mirror. #RetailLove.
This week’s Dance Yo’ Pants Off Dance Off to find a Stand Battle captain was going to pit Camryn against Makalah. Two of the strongest dancers in the building. And they almost tore the house down. But Camryn won, with the stipulation that if she lost her nutty, she’d have to relinquish the title.
Camryn is a perfectionist. And there ain’t nothin’ wrong wid dat. But it does give you stress sweat and an itchy head. But Mim and I have the Faith in her. You got this.
Check out Mimi being all MAC Cosmetics Glamazon. Watch for her face on your Macy’s holiday bags this season when you get that free lip gloss with any purchase over $35.
Muah.
And then Tawantza lost all her marbles.
Both of them.
I love this crazy chick. You know that.
ZaTia got cut, which lead to a one-on-one meeting between Tawantza and Miss D in the DDP/IKEA Lounge the following day.
Which escalated quickly, if I do say so myself.
Here’s Tawantza trying to call Dianna on a make believe phone instead of just turning around and facing Miss D on the other couch..
Was there something going on with Tawantza’s eyelashes or nah? Cuz at first she was all like this…
…until she snapped and then she was all like this…
And I’m gonna miss her now that she and ZaTia are kicked off the Dolls Team. Because that totally happened. At the end of the day, the Dancing Dolls are about the girls, not the DDPs. And Miss D and Tawantza just weren’t feeling it.
I can’t believe she’s gone. I mean…
Call me.
Then it was the next day.
And Seloncé showed up in a yellow dress. Actual screenshot:
But since accessories and gossip make the outfit, Seloncé also passed along all the scoop on Tawantza’s exit, which got that new Mama all like OoooohScootOverGirls…
The place was mobbed. The teams were ready to go. The bleachers were total chaos.
And the Atlanta Glitter Dads were in the house. Wait. What? Dads supporting their daughters’ activities instead of watching the Game on ESPN? Bonus Points were immediately given to these guys, just like the ones I gave to the DDP Dads when they first arrived on the scene in Season One.
In all honesty, I was going to give most of the points to the one in the shades because he looked like Isaac Hayes, but the other one who kept getting hit in the face with that tinsel thingamajig got the sympathy vote. In retrospect, he probably should have been the one wearing protective eyewear if Glitter Moms are that oblivious to there surroundings.
They say that, you know.
Naturally, Nashumba sat directly across from her old Purple Diamond Moms and they were all like OhHeeeeeyGurrrrrl like you do when you get caught at the IMAX dating your BFF’s ex-boyfriend. We good, right? Look at that lady’s face. Hilarious.
First Round of the Stand Battle was the PDs vs. the Fierce Elite.
Purple Diamonds for the Win.
Second Round: Dolls vs. Atlanta Glitter. Dancing Dolls for the Win. And then the Dolls went head to head against the Purple Diamonds for the trophy.
After the Bring It! version of that Dance Moms Slumber Party filler that has been running all season, I mean.
Is that a thing now with every Lifetime show that they all have sleepover commercials and giggle and answer viewer tweets? Because I certainly hope so. Seeing Tim Gunn in footie pjs eating Skittles and giving Heidi Klum a mani & pedi would be quite entertaining.
They could probably even use the same questions they use on Dance Moms and just change “Hottest Guy In One Direction?” to something Tim would recognize.
The same emcee was hosting the event again. What a gig. Where do I apply?
Did I forget to mention that the Dolls’ costumes looked like what you would wear if you went hunting on Christmas Day and knew you weren’t going to have time to go home and change before heading to a party, because it was straight up Walmart hunting print with some of that big, fat tree garland sewn into all the holes. And it werked.
And twerked.
Kayla even tried to teleport some of her thugishness through the air into Camryn’s brain as she led the Battle. If you’re handing it out, honey, I could use a hit over here, too.
Remember. Like I said before. I didn’t choose the Bring It! Life. It chose me.
By the time the PDs brought out a prop (..which Tina pointed out was just a stick with some tape on it…) it looked like it could have been anybody’s game. Both teams were doing well. Until the Twins Sky and Star (…or Star and Sky…) came out, that is. And Sunjai. And then Secret Weapon: Jalen. They brought it, mmmkay?
And then I saw a Baby Dancing Doll standing next to Dianna. Why you holding out on me, Boo? You know I love me them Baby Dolls.
Another victory. Another week closer to Summer Slam.
Let’s do it again next week.
Meet you at where ever this thing is.
DD4L!
Peace out.
