For the last time, I’m not wearing a bra. These are two black diamonds on a red polo shirt, bitch.
I bet if we bump our heads together real hard like iPhones we can share some of this crazy.
Imma need y’all to bring it to the floor today or I’ll cut you both faster than I did Destiny’s Child.
Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy’s gotta do. And this Daddy’s gotta make it rain all up in here.
Yeah. So that just happened…again.
Dang, yo Daddy is fine. When he starts doing his Kool-Aid Man Dance, Mama gets mighty thirsty.
And Lawd…please let my damn DVR be working, cuz I really need to jack that last DD4L routine.
Thirsty?
If you need to go grab a glass of water, I’ll wait.
You don’t have to, but y’all might want to lube up a little before we start licking some stamps, cuz Bring It! ’bout to go all postal on New Orleans.
Dat’s rite. N’awlins.
As part of their World Domination/A** Kicking Tour, Dianna Williams and the Dolls were headed to Louisiana to show the South how Mardi Gras is supposed to be done:
DancingDollStyle.
This week it was the Go Hard Or Go Home Dance Explosion in The Big Easy. A new city for Miss D and her girls, but one full of familiar teams and even more familiar faces.
The most notable being Coach John Connor and his Team Formerly Known As the Dynamic Diamond Dollz, who for whatever reason had been rebranded with a new color palette and were now called the Infamous Dancerettes.
You remember John. He’s that skinny little pipe-cleaner-of-a-guy from last year who always talked smack about the Dolls and seemed to bring enough clothes to every venue to last him a full competition season. Well, this year ain’t no different.
Except that his hair was longer. Sometimes, anyway.
(Srsly. Somebody at Lifetime either needs to figure out how to smoothly splice in random confessional interview segments so they make sense, or learn how to photoshop some of those stubby little BoyBand niblets onto John’s head when he suddenly shows up in the hallway with a buzz cut. Is it just me? Am I wrong?)
But, anyway. I don’t think Johnny’s a Mean Girl at heart, but he definitely needs to dial down some of the Hatorade when he’s serving up the Dolls.
And I think deep down Dianna kind of likes him, too. She’s not crushing on him, but they do seem to have that Big Sister vs. Scrawny A** Baby Bro relationship where Dianna could easily pummel him into a sobbing little girl in a corner if she she wanted to, but it’s more fun to just whoop him on the dance floor and watch him wet himself.
Regardless, after a quick name change and some questionably stylish new pink and purple leotards, John felt that the Infamous Dancerettes were finally ready to beat the Dancing Dolls at their own game. Especially since it turns out that he had been spying on them over the last few months, picking up youtube pointers and on-site performance techniques and basically spending months in a Dance Bunker training his girls to do the same choreography that the Dolls already do in their routines.
Except in questionably stylish new pink and purple leotards now, of course.
Really. Imitation being the sincerest form of flattery and all.
Tell it to the legal department at Apple, since Mr. Connor also pretty much lifted the iPod logo for his new line of iD t-shirts. Little “i“. Big “D.” See you in court.
G’nite, John-Boyeeee.
As Dianna went over the basics of the competition inside the Dollhouse Dance Factory, the real party was on the sidewalk.
Side note before we go outside: That little white girl was back! We heart her. And I can get away with saying that because, as we’ve previously discussed, I’m often referred to as a little white girl, especially when I complain about people at work too much or a giant bug lands on my face. And why haven’t we learned more about her yet? That ain’t right.
Side note Numero Dos: What the what was up with that gigantic pile of clothes up against the Dollhouse wall? Did you see that? Was somebody under there? Srsly, Miss D. You make more money than Dance Moms…get a damn rolling rack.
Gah, I love this show.
Especially when JJ is in da hizzle. And he was!
Sunjai‘s Baby Daddy was front and center this week, werking it in his white Juicy Couture J.Lo track suit, getting every single one of them Mamas all twerked up.
JJ does love his ladies. And vice versa, fo sho.
In between spouting a few copyrighted WhatADaddy’sGottaDo-isms and activating his internal Dancing Machine, JJ managed to let us know that Sunjai ain’t the only baby getting it done at the Dollhouse.
Wait. What? There’s more of them out there?
Turns out that JJ and Selena also produced a set of equally adorable (…and equally as astronomically-based…) twins named Sky and Star. I know, right?
Sunjai has a matched set of baby sisters who look so much like their parents that it’s spooky. Eyes and teeth and everything. BabyGirl trifecta.
Star and Sky also dance at the Dollhouse, even though I’m not sure we’ve ever seen them before. Maybe in the background. I dunno. But regardless, they aim to follow in their big sister’s dancing footsteps for the time being until they accept full scholarships into the accelerated graduate programs at Harvard and MIT.
Did you see them in their glasses? Dang.
Since they’re so smart, maybe they can help me figure out the weather in Jackson, MS because last week the Mamas were all wearing summer skimpies and jumping around like they were at the MTV Beach House and suddenly this week they’re all bundled up in Old Navy puffer jackets and knit beanies.
My favorite NutJob Newbie Tawantza even had frostbite.
Or so I thought, until I realized it was only cray cray crayola blue lipstick. Mad props to any woman with the kahunas to match her entire face to the frosting on Cookie Monster birthday cupcakes.
And you know exactly what I’m talking about. I swear one of the key ingredients in that frosting is actual ink from a Bic pen. You wear that s*** for days.
The next evening, we were invited over to JJ’s house, where he was cooking up dinner for all three of his babies. It’s true. Daddy can dance. And then fry it up in a pan.
This show needs to be five hours long.
The fact that somebody in post-production went to all the trouble to play an epic Soul Train/Sanford and Son theme song mash-up in the background when we arrived at JJ’s home pretty much gave me #LIFE and made up for any inconsistencies with John’s hair.
I swear to Gawd, by the time they flashed us a #ThrowbackThursday photo of JJ in his MackDaddy white fur coat pimpin’ out Seloncé…I was #DEAD.
PS. Gurl…you know that anyone who has a HomeGoods hurricane lamp centerpiece and 42 spindles of Best Buy CDs on his living room coffee table knows how to par-tay.
I don’t even remember what happened after that.
#BowChickaBowWow.
Side note: It can’t just be me. Scroll way up or down a little and then tell me that the pattern on JJ’s red shirt didn’t make it look like he was wearing a Big Girl Bra. Hilarious.
Throughout all this awesomeness, Dianna and John still found time to rehearse and make cuts for their respective Pom Pom and Stand Battle teams.
Sun, Star and Sky all made the Dolls’ cuts, along with ZaTia, which resulted in Seloncé and Mama Cookie Monster taking part in some crazy ritual that only DDPs would understand. High Fives, head butts and some electro-shock dancing. Halleloo!
It was a proud MamaMoment.
Finally, it was Showtime. And time for my girl Tina‘s animal print shower cap.
One. How is this show only one hour? And why do I have to keep asking the same question every week? Don’t even tell me nobody is reading this thing.
And Two. Why isn’t that bus driving straight up the East Coast right now to my house?
Love. These. Mamas.
News Flash: True Story. Did you know that the Dancing Dolls are now offering up new Poking Parent Workshops for adults? Where you get put on either Team Mimi or Team Tina and learn how to drop it like it’s PTA Lady Hot? I swear.
So now, not only am I too old to audition for the Baby Dancing Dolls (…hey, Taelar!…) and too old for the normal Dancing Dolls workshops, but now I also have the wrong boy parts to even sign up for a grown-up lady one.
Not happy about this at all.
How about I just pay $75 to have Tina and Mimi be forced to go clubbing with me all weekend? It’s only fair. And can you even imagine? Lawd. There ain’t enough Uber and Bail Money in my wallet to last me until Monday with those two.
John and Whatever His Team Is Called Now drove 7 hours straight to New Orleans, but somehow managed to keep all their stuff on Fleek. Because he said so.
On. Fleek.
He gave a pep talk to his girls. Dianna gave a pep talk to the Dolls. And even Seloncé tried to motivate Star and Sky before Miss D dragged her to the curb like an old Christmas tree. Miss D don’t play, by the way.
Bonus Points: John regained some of the points he lost over all the DD4L smack talk when I saw his girls wearing “Swish I’m Ballin I’m So Awesome'” t-shirts. I don’t know why that cracked me up. But it did. And points were given.
Side note: Dianna got herself a matching red mic pack to go with her new backless and frontless red dress. You go, girl. When you make it to Season Two and start getting all matchy-matchy, then you know you’ve arrived.
(Who you think you are? Damn Christina with a damn red BeDazzled microphone?)
Sorry, haters but Dianna has arrived. She just can’t hear you hating over the sound of her matching microphone pack transmitting all the cheers from the crowd.
Snap. Why don’t you just have a seat, please. You’re blocking her light.
This show. Two hours. Minimum.
The performances were off the chain. And so were the Mamas.
Who’s house? Dollhouse.
The Infamous Dancerettes hit the floor with their Pom Pom routine. It was ok. Even Dianna acknowledged that the girls seemed to finally know which end was up at this competition.
One of the Dancing Dolls lost her pom pom during their own presentation, but nobody really seemed to notice until Lifetime zoomed in on it with one of those spotlight circles they use to locate missing bodies on every episode of CSI: Crime Scene Investigation.
John was all like ‘WhateverTheyHaveAMillionGirlsOnTheFloor’ and I was all like ‘SoreLoserMuch?’ Miss D didn’t say much, but appeared to be getting pretty hyper.
By the time the Stand Battle came around, the crowd was going bucking bonkers.
The iDs came out with guns blazing, wearing pink superhero masks and trying to get all Marvel Comics in Kayla’s face.
Trying, anyway.
Practice, Hunty. Cuz that’s what Kayla said. Boom. Bang. Pow.
When the Dolls fired back, it was on like Michael Jackson Donkey Kong. They even did that Smooth Criminal lean-thing into a complete FacePlant on the floor.
Take that iD. You’ve been hit by–you’ve been hit by–
Even Dianna dropped to the ground like MJ. I need to learn that move asap for when Tina, Mimi and I fall off the speakers at the club, because I don’t think either one of them is gonna put their drink down and catch me.
And then it was over.
Pom Pom and Stand Battle: The Dolls snatched both First Place spots right out from under the Infamous Dancerettes so fast that they almost forgot which name they were supposed to be putting on their new iD cards.
Mr. Connor wasn’t happy. But don’t count him out just yet.
This isn’t the end for him. Or his team. Or their new name.
They’ll be back. Don’t you worry.
But until then…
Since your tongue is already hanging out, John…
Would you mind moistening this stamp for Miss D?
N’awlins!
DD4L!
