Oh my goodness. What’s that on my blouse? I got a little Beyoncé on me that just won’t come off.
What’s Up? What’s Up? Ready to throw some KThug? We ain’t scared of Miss Kayla. Or her Mama.
Seriously?
Word Up. Imma thinking that lady with the My Little Pony Cameo hair hasn’t met Tina yet.
I don’t see anything, but Mimi swears there’s still some of those tasty leftover cupcakes in there.
Hold Up. Nobody told me THAT was her Mama. Girl, Bye. I’ll be on the bus if anybody needs me.
Really?
Sing it with me if you’d like.
Mimi, can you handle this? Seloncé, can you handle this?
Tina, Gurl Pleez…I know you can handle this.
The rest of you? I don’t think you’re ready for this DDP cuz Yo Mama’s too bootylicious for me, babe. Can you handle this? I don’t think you can handle this.
That’s right. Bring It! brought some Beyoncé-inspired bucking to Jackson this week. And not just the Sunjai‘s Mom kind. The Real One.
Or at least some moves and music inspired by the only famous part of Destiny’s Child. (What? What do you mean too soon? They broke up like ten years ago.)
As soon as the credits rolled, Dianna Williams was already in the Dollhouse giving the 411 about the upcoming Just Dance Competition. They were staying local, which meant less packing but more pressure as the reigning Hometown Favorites.
This week the Dancing Dolls would be facing the Ladies of Sparkle, the Magnificent Marching Models, the Jackson All-Stars, the YCDT SupaStarz and the Girls Who Hold Up Cash Register Lines Because They Insist On Digging Through Knock-Off Louis Purses While Holding A Samsung Galaxy Between Their Ear And Shoulder.
1…Put the damn phone down, my ice cream is melting. 2…It’s not like you’re talking to the White House. Where you at, Barrack?
Miss D explained that this week their biggest competition would be the YCDT SupaStarz.
They’re from Miami, bitch.
And they spell ‘Stars’ with a ‘Z‘ so you know they mean bidnezz.
The SupaStarz are a contemporary team with a style that is very different from Dianna’s team. Being from Miami, most of the SupaStarz have access to a lot of performing arts schools where they are not only exposed to every possible form of dance but can also easily access the free wi-fi to go online and talk smack about the Dolls.
Which, apparently, they do quite often.
But Dianna wasn’t worried. Because talk is cheap. Show me whatchoo got by burning a hole in the floor when you come to Jackson. Cuz then you’re in my house.
I love when Miss D gets all bug eyed. I bet she spits her gum out when she gets too excited and never even realizes that it’s gone until she’s back home tucking in Cobe.
The two categories that the Dolls would be hitting hard this week were Creative Dance, where that whole Beyoncé thang would come into play and the Stand Battle.
Since the Dolls can bust a Stand in their sleep, the focus for the next few days would need to be on channeling their inner Sasha Fierce for the competition. And they didn’t waste any time getting right down to work while the Mamas all got right down to doing what they do best on the other side of the front door.
Today’s Jackson MS Weather Report: Hot. And Sunny. A little bit of a Mississippi heat wave. So naturally my girl Seloncé showed up in head to toe black, complete with big googly sunglasses and prescription eye drops from Walgreens.
Turns out the poor thing had an eye infection, which had apparently blurred her vision so drastically earlier in the day that she couldn’t tell the difference between bermuda shorts and black pleather leggings. Because that’s what she was wearing.
Leggings. Made of not-leather.
And I loved it. Because I love me some Seloncé.
Especially when she’s keeping the KrazyKnob at 100.
I bet she smelled exactly like a cross between a new car and one of those beauty salon supply stores that you’re not allowed to shop at unless you have a cosmetology license.
Mimi and Tina seemed a little better prepared for the humidity, but I don’t think anyone can ever be completely prepared for Seloncé.
With two days to go, Dianna was working the girls hard. The YCDT SupaStarz came out of the womb dancing (…ouch….) so the Dolls would need to step up their game in the Creative Dance portion.
The Stand Battle would include a Dog House Remix of their most infamous routine, where we’d get to see Kayla and one of her many KaylaFaces do her business like a puppy who’d been stuck inside all day. Which meant that we got to see Miss D crawl on all fours and then lift her leg on an invisible fire hydrant that I totally would have walked into if she hadn’t marked it for me.
So yeah, there was that.
Meanwhile, over in Miami…the YCDT SupaStarz were working on their own canine choreography. Who let the dawgs out?
But first. Can we? Director Traci Young-Byron. How awesome was she? With her retro MTV hair cut and air brushed makeup and those eyebrows that you shape with a MAC stencil? Awwwwesome. Between her face and her Hit The Floor outfit I swear she was wearing every color I’ve ever seen HSN sell to those ladies in Boca.
When they make her into a Cartoon Network superhero show, she’s going to look exactly the same. I know you can picture it. She’s going to fight crime in high tops and only her closest friends will know that the spray painted red chunk in her hair is actually how she gains cosmic powers from the sun.
On the YCDT website Traci has a headshot that is SO Miami that it even smelled like a mojito when I scratched it with my lucky Lotto penny. And I’ve never even been to Miami.
So I totally know what I’m talking about.
Traci dissed the Dolls for being Country and then unveiled her two snarky Stands: The Captain Krunch (…calling out that thumb thing Kayla always does on the side of her nose…) and The Hush Puppy (…walk this dawg and see how you like it…)
Ooooh. Going up against Kayla and Tina? That’s Whack.
Back in Jackson, Miss D and about 85 Beyoncés were working out the kinks.
WalkWalk. WindWind. HairHair. ChairChair. DivaDiva.
Some of the girls were getting it. Some not so much. Some were just sitting around trying to cross their legs. For a second I mistakenly thought that I saw last week’s cardboard Sunjai Disney Princess leaning up against a metal Office Depot chair, but the actual Sunjai eventually got her freakum dress on and it was all good.
Outside the Dollhouse, the Mamas were also digging the tunes and having a hard time standing still. Especially Tina and Seloncé.
So what better time than now for a Walk-Off, right?
HipHip. WerkWerk. SnapSnap. RightLeft. EastWest. UpDown. JiggleThatJaggle.
I’ve watched that 90 seconds so many times that it’s burned into my plasma. When I come to Jackson, that’s how we’re all walking into the klubz, yo. Love me some DDPs.
And then, suddenly, the whole thing somehow veered a little to the left and we were momentarily transported to another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. And oversharing.
And feminine hygiene.
The TMI Zone.
Did you know that when Mimi scratches her foot it makes her pee pee jump?
Well, you do now.
Did you know that both Maxwell House coffee and Seloncé are good to the last drop?
Because they are. Otherwise I have no explanation as to why she tinkles and then finds it necessary to do the same dance they do on the Travel Channel when Hawaiian tourists first come off the plane in Waikiki.
Did you know that lady parts were even called pee pees? I didn’t.
Or that anyone over the age of 6 years old still calls it ‘tinkling?’
Now try to erase all of that from your brain. I’ll wait.
(…Awkward silence…)
Didn’t think so.
Thankfully, before all the lady talk made me go as blind as Seloncé, Miss D came outside with some good news: DDPs were in the show!
Whaymit. What?
The Dancing Mamas were going to be the Secret Weapon in the Beyoncé dance!
I don’t even know what happened next, because Tina got so excited she threw herself threw the plate glass door and started shaking it like a Polaroid picture. Mrs. Jones does love a good shimmy shuffle.
After the fastest costume change since I saw Cher‘s Farewell Tour, all the Mamas entered the building like Bootaay Royaltaay.
Dianna wanted them to show their babies some attitude. And to buck.
And to make it stank.
I’m pretty sure she also told Tina to FedEx me one of those “Team Big Girl” shirts in a size Medium. I shouldn’t have to beg, lady. Hook a brother up.
(Side note: No lie. Right about here was when I realized that we hadn’t seen much of that spunky new white girl yet. Or her Mom. And then I swear there was a reflection in the mirror of some white Mom walking behind Dianna and I was all like ‘Oh…my.’)
White boys can’t jump and…well, you know…
Finally, it was Showtime! And the arrival of the YCDT SupaStarz. Which gave me Life.
Life, Hunty.
Seriously. Did you see them walking that hallway in their Miami hoodies, all like ‘Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t even see you there Mr. Cameraman.’
HeelToe. HeelToe. HeelToe.
Life.
Backstage, Seloncé was a hot mess of nerves, rubbing her legs together like she was about to hula dance all over the floor.
Mimi and Tina were chillaxed, though. And it’s Rittany bitch was back in the audience after about 78.5 hours of OT this week.
That girl works way too much.
Since we never get to see the entire showcase, there are always a few background moments that don’t make too much sense to the viewer. Like why some of the Dolls were dressed up like Elvis and Rocky Balboa in these white capes during the pre-game prayer. That’s gonna bother me for a day or two.
And why did Dianna and some random dude in yellow sneakers run out onto the floor right before the Beyoncé routine scooping up 20 miles of fabric with no explanation?
Maybe I’m just too observant. Or nosey. Or both.
Side note: Anyone else see the white girl’s brother in the audience screaming like he thought this was the Monster Jam Truck Pull? Personally, I like when they turn Ford Broncos into Transformers. (Robots in Disguise!)
The YCDT Creative Dance was really good. They wore these fabric comic books masks that kept sliding all over there faces. Clearly they don’t watch Dance Moms (…or read my blog enough, ahem…) to know that anything above the neck needs to be sewn or staple gunned to your head at all times before you go on stage.
Traci also seems to have some ongoing issues with standing still. Because she doesn’t.
Ever.
But it was when the Dolls and DDPs hit the floor that it really got started.
Seloncé got her nerves under control and proved that if the real Beyoncé ever breaks her leg, the fake one could probably go on stage with Jay-Z and nobody would know the difference until they had to kiss during the dirty part of Drunk In Love.
Mimi got down with her bad self and probably has an acceptance letter from the APAC Performing Arts School waiting for her at the post office.
And Tina? Tina was a 9.5 magnitude on the Richter Scale and should probably apologize to the Japanese community for the resulting tsunami.
That bitch can dance. The End. Period. Mic Drop.
After the Tougaloo maintenance department replaced all the overhead lightbulbs that Tina knocked out, the Stand Battle began.
The YCDT girls did the same walk onto the gymnasium floor they did when they first arrived int he building. I swear that’s how they look when they go to the grocery store.
They did the Captain Krunch and the Hush Puppy and some redoinkulous Death Drops which caused the Dolls to momentarily lose their poker faces. But they recovered and remixed their own Dog Walk and wrecked the place.
When the battle finished, it was like Opposite World took over.
The Dolls won First Place for the Creative Dance. The YCDT SupStarz won First Place for the Stand Battle.
I know, right? They beat each other at their own game.
So really, everybody kinda won. It looked like they all had fun.
The Dolls took home a trophy and the DDPs were off da chain.
I think my boy JJ summed it up best when he stated that the whole thing was one memory he’s not never gonna forget. Not never.
That makes two of us.
DD(P)4L!
