I believe every person, man or woman, is only entitled to something that belongs to another person if that person explicitly grants it to them—that includes a person’s body, mind, trust, affection, bank account, chapstick, you name it.
I believe it is a problem that the phrase “no means no” is necessary in any context.
I believe it is appalling that women, simply by virtue of their sex, have reason to be fearful when walking home alone in the dark.
All of those truths notwithstanding, I do not agree with the conversation that’s been taking place in the wake of Elliot Rodger’s killing spree–perhaps that’s not entirely accurate, let me clarify–I think it’s imperative that this senseless tragedy prompt a discussion about entitlement and the harassment of women, but I do not agree with the tone and the exclusion that’s appearing on countless comment threads and retweets.
If you’re looking for more information on Elliot Rodger, his views, his mental health, his number of sexual partners, or anything else, feel free to consult Google. For my part, there’s more than enough speculation about this guy going around that I doubt I could bring something new to the table, but I do encourage you to familiarize yourself with the facts, not the facts as retold on the message boards. What concerns me is much larger than Elliot Rodger: I’m disappointed in the way many of us are responding to the tragic event he perpetrated.
The powerful hashtag #YesAllWomen has been trending on Twitter for several days. What started as a one-time hashtag affixed to a tweet has since become a full-blown social media campaign calling attention to the fact that all women have experienced discrimination, harassment, or much worse at some point in their lives. Countless women (and even men) have been sharing their thoughts, experiences, and fears using the hashtag.
The phrase “yes all women” came as a response to tweets using the familiar phrase, “not all men” that was being used to defend the general population of men, a means of reiterating that “not all men” share the views of Elliot Rodger and the myriad of others like him. The bottom line being:
Seeing Twitter being used for more than clever one-liners or Game of Thrones spoilers is amazing, and I think it’s so important that we, women especially, use social media channels to share our experiences and find common ground. The messages containing #yesallwomen have ranged from heartbreaking to empowering, but those who dare to voice their opinion using #notallmen have been attacked and insulted, often cruelly. When it comes to the conversation about harassment, rape, discrimination, and sexism as those issues pertain to women, I don’t think comments resulting from #notallmen are automatically undermining the “larger issue.” In fact, I think #yesallwomen and #notallmen are both crucial pieces of this dialog. As a matter of fact, when tragedies occur like the one carried out by Elliot Rodger, I think it’s more important than ever to remember that one individual doesn’t represent an entire population. Yet, let’s consider the statistics…
Information from the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey 2011 reports that nearly one in five women (18%) have been raped in their lifetime. One in four women have been the victim of severe physical violence by an intimate partner compared with one in seven men who experienced the same. Forty four percent of lesbian women, 61% of bisexual women, and 35% of heterosexual women experienced rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.
According to an article in the Journal of Social Issues (though it’s from 1981…), 35% of men report at least some degree of likelihood of raping if they could be assured they wouldn’t be caught or punished. Another study from the Journal of College Student Personnel suggests that “…one in five men report ‘becoming so sexually aroused that they could not stop themselves from having sex,’ even though the woman did not consent.”
It’s right there in the statistics: men. There’s no distinction for friends, fathers, significant others, the gentleman who stopped to help you when you were having car trouble once, the hardworking guy who reports to you at the office, or the dude down the block who returned your dog when it ran away. We can’t make distinctions in quantitative research like this. All we can say is, men. A collective of whom 35% admit they might rape if they could get away with it, the same group that uses a boner as a means to condone rape. The facts are impossible to ignore, but logically, is it really so unreasonable that the guys out there, who are every bit as disgusted by these facts as women are, would want to distance themselves from this group? Simply because they’re men, they’re being implicated in truly monstrous behavior. If these horrifying perpetrator stats applied to women, I’d be defensive and angry, too.
What we have on our hands is indeed a cultural problem whose ramifications affect everyone, but is assessing communal blame the way to start working towards a solution? As I scroll through Twitter, it’s as if many of the #notallmen tweeters are being held in custody accused of a crime they didn’t commit, and the only chance they have at freedom is admitting they’re guilty by association.
Men should feel ashamed and disgusted by Rodger’s comments and actions, but by no means do I think they should also accept culpability by default because Rodger was a man and so are they. There’s a huge difference between feeling shame and accepting blame. Rodger’s actions were undoubtedly influenced by expectations and norms that are rooted in our culture, but he still acted alone. No matter how critical, I don’t think the flaws in our society should inspire us to question the credibility of every man because of the one thing they inarguably had in common with Elliot Rodger and every other man out there who harasses, slips things in drinks, feels entitled, and everything worse.
I have only existed on one end of these statistics. I’ve been the woman who fashioned her keys into a makeshift set of brass knuckles when walking by herself late at night. I’ve been the woman jogging alone the woods that turned the volume down on her iPod so she could hear if someone was coming up behind her. I’ve been the woman who felt that desperate sense of helplessness when some guy wouldn’t leave her alone after being rejected as politely as possible. Yet, I know there’s another side to this, too. It’s not the same. It’s not better or worse. It’s not more or less important. It’s not an elaborate diversion to diminish what women have experienced. It’s another piece of this puzzle.
The hostility of the #yesallwomen and #notallmen debate seems to highlight the struggle we have to communicate and interact respectfully, and that’s really the heart of this issue, isn’t it? We all have our own experiences, and they are all relevant.
We all need to be accountable. We all need to do more. We.
