I saw the below video on Monday, which has been doing rounds on the web for past few weeks. It resonated with me, specially since just last week I was having this EXACT same conversation with one of my colleagues. We were discussing how I had seen someone's photo, where all she saw were faults in herself, while I thought it was a great candid shot of her and I hadn't notice even one fault until she had mentioned them. And even then I didn't agree.
That incident made me introspect. I have long time self-diagnosed myself with a 'body-image-disorder'. I know I am fit. I know I am not obese. But I cannot help myself. When I see in the mirror I only see 'fat'. I see the 'imperfections'. I see how I am not as toned as I would want to be. How I am disappointed in myself that even after religiously and consistently exercising for last 7 years I have not managed to gain that 'fit-toned' body. How my hair are not voluminous, lips are not full and and skin is not clear. I absolutely detest my knees and thighs. How I wish I had long-lean limbs.
.... Don't get me wrong. I do not need re-assurance about what is 'right' with me. I am aware of all my blessings and all the positive traits as well. And I AM thankful for them. But the amount of energy and time I spend thinking about my imperfections is not even sane. At least 20 days in the month, I refer to myself as FAT simply because I ate a donut or one extra slice of Pizza. I am so harsh on myself, that I have started wondering if I am in fact punishing myself? And if yes, then why? And worse is that I AM aware of all this and yet I continue to think the way I do. One would assume I was smarter (better?) than this! Right?
I do not know what I hope to achieve from this post, but may be after putting it out there, for the whole world to read, it will force me to stop judging myself.
