A whopping 184 new emojis were released with Apple's iOS 9.1, including a quite a few that had been notable omissions in prior software updates (like taco, middle finger, and cheese) and some that were bewildering additions (like derelict house building, funeral urn, and hole). But who decides which emojis make the cut? Why does taco get a coveted spot in Food & Drink lineup but not bacon? Prior to every major new emoji release, an Emoji Task Force (ETF) assembles to sort through all the proposed emojis to determine which emojis will join the likes of happy poop, sad cat, pig nose in the emoji library. Below is an exclusive account from the most recent Emoji Task Force Meeting...
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"Alright, alright," Alec sighed, adjusting the emoji art concepts scattered on the conference table in front of them. "Where do we even start with this?"
They'd narrowed it down to 35 questionable emojis-the bizarre, the seeming irrelevant, the controversial. This time around, some of the decisions were easy to make: Middle finger emoji was a shoe-in, because everyone knows that a cartoon finger that can match your skin tone is infinitely more effective than an autocorrected, "Duck off." Taco, burrito, unicorn, and eye roll were also included early on in the process. But the ones the remaining slots were more difficult to fill, and some of the options were perplexing, to say the least.
Karen in her squeakiest shoes came back in from the hall and took her spot the table, locking her phone and pressing her palms into her eyes with a weary sigh.
"What was that?" Alec asked.
Karen's hands fell to the table with a thud, scanning the rows of emojis spread out before them like an easy came of Guess Who?
"I just got off the phone with Winnie's people."
"Winnie's people?" Alec scanned the room for assistance. "Winnie who?"
"The Pooh. He won't budge on honey pot."
"Honey pot?! We were just about to eliminate that one!" Greg said, snatching the image of the golden jar off the table. "Who else is going to use this besides Winnie the Pooh!?"
Karen threw up her arms. "The assistant Beyonce snapped at assured me that the Beyhive will use it in some capacity if we include it." Karen kicked her purse further out of sight under the table. She couldn't risk anyone spotting the Busy Bee Clove honey hidden inside. "We have no choice. We can't lose Winnie's support."
"Why can't you just call him Pooh?"
She craned her head around to look at Alec. "Would you rather be called Winnie or Pooh?"
"Oh bother. Whatever. Honey pot's in," Alec said, making a gimmie gesture for the honey jar picture and adding it to the pile of included emojis.
Greta, who likes telling everyone she played soccer in college, suddenly came to her feet.
"Can I just say something? We're adding taco, burrito, burger, hot dog, and popcorn. Don't you think we need to add more activities? Aren't we promoting emobesity?"
Alec furrowed his brows. "Don't you mean emojibesity?"
"That's too close to emojibestiality. Isn't emobesity just overweight emo kids?" Karen asked, looking from Alec to Greta.
"I think the politically correct term is emoji obesity," Greg corrected. "Okay, whatta we got here. There's this person carrying a bunch of grocery bags in one trip, a man reaching for a sock under the bed, and girl with a jump rope. Which of those do you like, Greta?"
From the corner of the room, Zaire perked up, removed his headphones, and joined the rest of the committee. Everyone was startled, because even though Zaire hadn't said a word all day, they were worried he'd chosen this moment to ritually sacrifice someone. As it was, he'd spent the last seven hours listening to bands that use bovine skulls on their album art and scraping stick figures into the wood paneling with his keys.
"Who says all activity has to be physical? Why are we so concerned about these disposable temporal forms we inhabit? The brain. That's the motherboard of our existence. The unum of our E Plurbis."
Karen stared blankly at Zaire, wondering who at Hot Topic he bonded with in high school to have developed into the person he is today.
"But you can't exercise without using your body, so..." Greta stopped. "Unless... Is there a Sudoku emoji?"
Scanning the litany of activity emojis, Zaire's narrowed eyes finally zeroed in on one. "I know," he said, grabbing one emoji off the table and holding it up with both hands like a magician about to disappear a dove. Alec squinted. Greta's mouth fell open. Karen examined Zaire's nails. Greg rolled his eyes. "This," he said, lifting it over his head, "This is the emoji."
"Man in Business Suit Levitating?" Greta asked. "What kind of activity is that?"
Zaire set Man in Business Suit Levitating back on the table, sizing up each member of the group with a skeptical glance. Using only his fingertips, he tapped the table twice with an air of finality. With that he retreated to the corner of the room, replacing his headphones and producing a metal spoon from his pocket, which seemed strange to everyone because earlier that day they witnessed Zaire eating pudding with a fork. Once they could hear the familiar growl of the guitar from his headphones, he seemingly entered a trance, focusing on the silver utensil and nothing else.
Alec rubbed the back of his neck, remembering the exact moment he decided against becoming an accountant and regretting it more than anything. Even more than eating White Castle breakfast and crossing paths with Greg in the restroom earlier.
"O- kay, I guess levitating businessman it is..."
Karen wearily glanced at her phone: 5:52 already. "Can we wrap this up? What do we got left?"
"The dogs." Greg frowned, gesturing to eleven menacing rows of dog breed emojis, more than one hundred in total. There was a Dalmatian, a Labrador Retriever, a German Shepherd, a Great Dane, and a non-descript, small annoying dog whose bark sounds more like someone choking on kazoo than anything else, among many others.
"We can't use all of them..."
"We need to pick two breeds that represent the entire domesticated dog population," Alec said with a shrug. "How hard can that be?"
"You must be a cat guy," Greta mumbled, kicking a phantom soccer ball.
Greg scanned the rows. "We gotta include the Lab right? Everyone loves labs."
"What makes you say that?" Karen snapped. "Are you saying Labs are better than, oh, I don't know, Pitbulls? You know they're not mean, right? Pitbulls? You're anti-Pitbull, aren't you? You should be ashamed of yourself. They're loving and sweet creatures with a bad reputation. Let me show you this-"
"Karen, is this another heartwarming Pitbull propaganda video?" Greta flopped into a chair, squeezing the bridge of her nose. "Because unless it's Pitbull the rapper, literally no one wants to watch it. What about the Jack Russell?"
Everyone shrugged passively. Had someone spoken up, they might have come to the only simple consensus of the day: That no Jack Russell Terrier emoji could ever capture their love for Wishbone.
"Look, we're never going to agree on the dogs," Alec said. "I don't even know why they would put us in this situation. WE'VE BEEN HERE ALL DAY. I just want to go home!" From the corner, Zaire started making a humming sound at the woefully unbent spoon.
It had been long day for everyone, but especially Greg, who was only brought in on this Emoji Task Force as a reluctant alternate. He didn't have the constitution for conflict, which is why he bit his tongue when chipmunk was added instead of badger.
"We need to get this done before somebody cracks," Greg pleaded. "I wanted the taco emoji as much as anyone, but at what cost?!?!"
"Chill, okay?" Karen countered, coming to her feet. She took a slow lap around the table with her hands on her hips, imagining her eyes were lasers cutting a hole in the floor this group of idiots could fall into. Then as if she'd been playing a game of Red Light/Green Light by herself, she came to an abrupt stop. "I might have an idea, but..." She turned to face the group. "It's dangerous."
With raised eyebrows, Greta swiveled her chair to face Karen. "What did you have in mind?"
Snatching two of the dog breed concepts, she walked back to head of the table and handed the sheets to Alec with a grin. "Emoji. Sabotage."
Alec held out the two sheets in front of him, shaking his head in disbelief. "I don't-I don't know if we can do this..."
Greta and Greg joined Alec and Karen at the head of the table. Looking over Alec's shoulder, they examined the two emojis Karen picked. She was rubbing her hands together like a villain who'd just bumped off the only surviving witness to her crime.
"Is that Doge?" Greg said.
"And a Poodle?" Greta asked.
Karen laughed, leaving them to their bewilderment and retrieving her purse from under the table, pulling the straps taught to disguise the honey and tossing it over her left shoulder.
"That's right. Shiba Inu and Poodle. Two ludicrous dog emojis to represent ALL THE DOGS." She slowly extended her right arm straight out ahead of her with a deliberate tenderness, as if she were about to pet the snout of an invisible horse.
"Just imagine it... The pandemonium! The confusion! Everyone will be wondering what it means that we chose Shiba Inu and Poodle! We'll go down in the history as the most controversial Emoji Task Force ever assembled-"
Zaire appeared beside Karen, staring at the same random spot of the ceiling where Karen had directed her monologue.
"And then we'll take over the world and enslave everyone with our telekinesis powers," he added.
Images via emojifoundationAlec bit his lip and cautiously placed Shiba Inu and Poodle into the accepted emoji pile with Man in Business Suit Levitating and the honey jar. "Maybe no one will noticed," he thought to himself.
Katie Hoffman is a writer living in the suburbs of Chicago. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram @bykatiehoffman.
