Sophie was wallowing. I don’t have the discipline or ability to fight back. The voices just take over. Her counselling just looked her in the eye, and said “Babe, you have discipline, anyone who has had anorexia has loads of discipline.”
Rigid, strict, stubborn, perfectionist, focused, disciplined – these are all the character traits that were present in you before the anorexia (or other eating disorder) took hold. These are the traits the eating disorder used to keep you there. Our counsellor is right. To stay and continue despite all the pain, sickness, cold, hunger that anorexia produces requires immense focus and discipline. Sophie’s team always said that she had amazing will to keep her bound to the anorexia, and that when she decided to use it against the anorexia, she would be able to pull herself out.
So saying to yourself whilst in recovery, ‘I have no discipline’, is just another excuse the ED brings up. You have discipline. You have the inner strength and traits to help pull yourself out. It is how you harness the discipline and use it.
When you are sickest, everyone calls your character traits rigid or strict. These words actually form part of the diagnosis criteria. But rigid or strict, can also mean disciplined or focused. So turn the words around in recovery. Make the negative traits of an eating disorder into positives for recovery. Recoverers do that with the voice in the head, they turn it into something positive rather than negative. So take rigid and make it discipline, take strict and make it focus. Become disciplined or focused on recovery, eating right, making choices focused on you not the ED.
When you say you can’t, remember you can. You already have the discipline and strength deep inside to fight back. Just use them for yourself not the eating disorder.
