My boyfriend goes by “B” on the blog.
He’s not doing very well at the moment. He’s in the throes of studying to take the MCAT’s for the second time in May and this is an incredibly stressful undertaking. He doesn’t eat very nutritiously and he hasn’t exercised in a while, and has gained some weight. He still looks awesome, he’s very athletic but no one feels good when they don’t take care of themselves. The relationship with his mother is still a huge stressor as she is very manipulative and controlling and the only reason we are allowed to live rent-free in our house (she owns the property and we maintain it, no rent) is because of the arrangement that B will attend medical school at some point.
B also has an issue with his throat currently, after an accidental blow to his neck has left him with swelling, tenderness and discomfort when swallowing for over a week. He does not have health insurance and is resistant to seeing a doctor because of having to face the medical bills on the other end. This is stressful, as well.
On top of all of that, yesterday he voiced his concern that he is not “enough” for me and he’s been wondering if we’re right for eachother. For those of you who’ve been with my blog a while, you probably remember that around this time last year, while B was studying for the MCAT’s (notice a pattern?) I was asking myself the very same questions. B doesn’t question whether or not I’m right for him… he says I’m perfect. But he’s not sure if he’s anough for me. We had a good conversation and voiced, again, issues we both have that are only exacerbated when he starts studying. I’m in desperate need of him taking interest in me, whether it’s him asking questions about my life, kissing me, or telling me I’m pretty. I also need to know that he actually plans to marry me. And he needs me to initiate sex. Sounds pretty simple, right? You would think.
I do spend a lot of time (especially recently, when I feel neglected) thinking about other guys. Not in a cheating sort of way, but in a wonder-if-I-could-find-a-better-fit sort of way. I told B that we probably would have broken up a long time ago if I didn’t love him so much, and that is the honest truth. Actually, if I could boil down all of our relational woes (maybe this is true for everyone?) then that would be what’s left: If I didn’t love you so freaking much, this would have ended a long time ago. Ultimately, I don’t think it’s about “is he the best fit for me,” it’s about whether or not I could see you living without him. In our case, I don’t think we could. We’re in a fake it til you make it phase right now, with all this stress threatening to crush us and rip us apart. I think we’re going to prevail. Love conquers all and I love that kid more than I’ve ever loved anyone.
