Phot cred: Amy Hess Photography
It was really different this time; I honestly hadn't thought too much about deployment other than my initial shock. Sure, it was in the back of my mind but I guess I was in some state of denial or rather mentality that it wasn't happening until it happened.
I think it hit me yesterday when I saw him packing that it was happening. All of a sudden, it hit me that he was leaving for nine to twelve months and that he was leaving so soon. We had been spending so much time enjoying the time we had left together that by the time we realized it was our last day together, it hit us hard.
When he left the first time, I was scared. I was angry, I was sad, I was mad, I was nervous, and I was worried. Of course some of those feelings were still around this time but mostly, I was sad for him and my babies. Every time I looked at him with the kids, I burst into tears. I hate the idea that he's going to miss out on so much and yes, technology will help but it's not the same. He won't get to hold them when he's having a bad day or snuggle them before bedtime. He won't get to see P crawl to him or watch Nolan freak out on Christmas morning. It just breaks my heart into so many tiny little pieces.
Photo cred: Amy Hess Photography
The first time he left, I was selfishly worried that something would happen to him and I couldn't fathom the thought of losing him. And of course I'm still terrified of that, but now I'm terrified for my babies. They have the most amazing daddy in the world and I would be lying if I said losing him wasn't in the back of my head. Hard pill to swallow, right? I like to believe he's in a safe place but things over there seem to go up and down and it could all change in a minute. But I'm optimistic God will take care of him and bring him home safely to our family. I have no other choice but to think that and believe it.
I honestly feel a little better that the "see you later" is over and I think he probably does too. I feel a different sense of peace this time, and I'm not sure whether to attribute that to the fact that we've done this before or that I have two little humans that need me to be strong for them. I spent a lot of time alone and moping the first go around and I refuse to do that this time. I threw myself pity parties and asked God "why me?" Of course I meant "Why my husband?" but I feel as though I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself instead of thinking about my husband and what he was going through.
Photo cred: Amy Hess Photography
I guess that comes with time, maturity, and experience right? When preparing this time around, I tried to put myself in his shoes and picture myself as the one leaving. People keep telling me "I'm not sure how you do it" or "I can't imagine my spouse leaving for so long" but all I keep thinking is that I have it easy compared to him. Yes, he chose this job and knew deploying was a possibility. But that doesn't make it easier. And especially now that he has a family, I can't imagine what he's going through during this difficult time.
Photo cred: Amy Hess Photography
We met with the Chaplain last week and asked for prayers, advice, experience, and wisdom. And one thing he said really resonated with me, and still does. He asked Z how he was feeling about everything and of course Z said he was sad to leave us. And the Chaplain said "it's hard to know life goes on without you, right? That you leave and your family has to go on living their lives without you here."
Yes, I miss him like crazy and it's going to be hard for me too but I will admit, I never took the time to really look at how hard it was for him to leave. I wear my heart on my sleeve and show my emotions so easily. But just because Z didn't cry all day like I did or have a panic attack doesn't mean he's not hurting too.
Life is all about experiences and learning as we go. I'm not perfect and I certainly don't want to ever give off the impression that I am. But I learn from my mistakes and I'm learning to be a better wife and mother. I'm learning to put myself in other people's shoes and be compassionate in ways I've never been before. And although yesterday was the lowest point I've had in awhile, we all know that means it can only go up from here.
Please keep our family and most importantly my husband in your thoughts and prayers. And let's get this countdown started...
