Community Magazine

And Then She Disappeared

By Rubytuesday
I often read someone's blog and wonder where they got their title from
Obviously it means something very personal to that person and I'm intrigued to know the story behind it
When I was choosing my own title, I had a few in the running
Beauty from pain
Wearing thin
Or simply anorexia and me
Anyone of those would've been fine but I kept coming back to And then she disappeared
I was planning to disappear
Simple as that
I started writing this blog about a year ago having been reading blogs for quite a while
I was adamant that it was not going to turn in to a pro ana blog but reading back on my first couple of months of posts, I can see that I was coming very close
I guess a saw a community of people and wanted to fit in so I wrote about fasting and wanting to be skinny
But over time this blog turned in to something different
I'm extremely uncomfortable with the idea of girls egging each other on to lose weight
It makes me feel slightly sick
We would never encourage someone to pick up a drug (well most of us wouldn't) or to get depression
or any other mental illness
So why is it ok to encourage weight loss?
I think that most people who are 'pro ana' don't necessarily have an eating disorder because of they did they would never wish it on any one else
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy never mind someone who I care about
I admit that I am not in recovery
Or if I am I am failing miserably
I suppose some would say that makes me pro ana by definition
But I am not or never will be pro ana
Then I might as well be pro heroin addiction or pro obesity
I admit that I am struggling
That I am no poster girl for recovery
I feel caught in between my illness and recovery
In limbo
A wish washy, no man's land
Neither here nor there
Stuck in anorexia's waiting room
And I am not an in between kind of person
I'm quite black or white
All of nothing
So being in this place is infuriating
I hate it

Anyway I'm going off the point here
I choose the title of my blog because I was planning to disappear
I had no desire to go on
I just wanted to slip away quietly
But that has changed too
For the longest time I couldn't find one reason to stay here
I felt like a burden to my family
I genuinely thought that they would be better off without me
Now I'm not so sure
Now I have 2 things that keep me going
My dogs
And the thought that maybe I could help others in my position
The only problem with that is that I have to help myself first in order to help anyone else
Easier said than done
I can think of a million reasons for you to recover but when it comes to myself I struggle to find any
I started writing mainly because I was lonely
I had pushed most of my friends away and I was very much alone
I was struggling to keep it together and I needed someone to talk to
For some reason I find it much easier to tell the internet all my problems than talk to someone face to face
But I have to say that this blog is no substitute for human contact
It's great to have this outlet but I think that we need actual human contact
A hug
A shoulder to cry own
That feeling of connection
I have met some amazing people through this blog and for that I am grateful
People that have given me the courage to break the silence of my own struggles without fear of judgement
Mary wonders if this blog is not unhealthy
And there was a time when I thought it was too
I've had to be strict with myself and avoid blogs that I find triggering
Although I'm sure mine can be triggering too
With all that said I was wondering about you
How did you come up with the title of your blog?
And why did you start your blog?
Has it been a positive or negative in your life?

And then she disappeared

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