Diaries Magazine

And So

By Owlandtwine
And SoAnd So
Maybe because summer vacation is right around the corner now, which means we fly off to Florida for three weeks, that has my nerves settling.  Perhaps it was the rain the other night that fell in gorgeous sheets, the intoxicating smell of rain and the way everything takes on a deep, luminous sheen.  I gave myself VIP access to this spectacular show on my front porch with a glass of sauvignon blanc that tasted crisp, tropical, grassy.  Fitting.  It could be our upcoming trip to Sand Dunes National Park that has set off a spark.  Dreams of tent and camp stove, a cup of strong coffee in my Crazy Creek chair, my skin and hair soft and full of earth.  Leaving our daily routine for adventure and creativity's spark. 
Well now, it could be feet up in the yard, running planting plans over in my mind while Theo and Sully hang nearby.  It could be the way I peek over the fence to catch a look at the mountains, so clear, the snow-capped peaks full of promise.  I let myself imagine what it's starting to look like up there right now, all that snow-melt coming down, waters running fast and clean, meadow flowers coming into bloom, grasses rocking back and forth in the breeze.  Surely it is the yoga too.  The way I've been feeling lighter and longer in my skin.  A sparkle that has returned in my eyes, hope I never even realized was missing.  More pausing in my daily life and intention to make better choices for myself and my family.  
We did breath work in class yesterday.  Inhale-pause-exhale-pause.  Only it was this morning that I thought about those pauses.  I saw my past in those flat spaces; some of my most crucial mistakes.  I realized that I can let go because any guilt and regret I've been carrying around with me no longer lives in my inhale and exhale.  Those experiences and times have gone, moved on.  I felt my face go soft.  I felt myself smiling.  Always the hardest damn way.  The hardest damn way I've pulled myself along.  It is only now that I can laugh at myself a little when I look back.  Only now, and it's a wild thought.
I'm here in this new place, this new season of my life.  I begin to let my heart and mind connect and paint a picture of what my life is supposed to look like right now and ahead.  I see the ocean, the mountains, old and dear friends that I never want to lose hold of, and new friends to grow with.  I want as much time with all of my family as I can possibly afford.
And so, whatever is happening to me right now, whatever it all means, I am asking for more.  I welcome more and I pray Thank You.

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