Hey girl,
Did you oversleep this morning? Maybe on a whim you decided to change your alarm ringtone from “Turn Down for What” to “All of Me” and instead of waking up on time, you had a dream that you took Chrissy Teigen’s spot in the music video (and in life). I totally relate to the panic you were probably feeling as you hurriedly dressed and filled your coffee thermos, but after you tossed that package of blueberry muffin Pop Tarts into your purse, why was your next thought to pack your flat iron?
I don’t know you that well (or at all), so maybe your hair texture really is so atrocious you can’t go a day without using heat products to bend it to your will. I’ve been in your shoes before—metaphorically, anyway, because the ones you’re wearing right now look like a Chinese toe trap—so I totally relate to the fear and dread you experienced when the thought of leaving your house with your hair undone crossed your mind. Fortunately, there’s a way around of all those yucky feelings. Let me introduce you to something called the ponytail:
If you’re not the ponytail type, meet the bun:
Here’s a simple braid for your consideration:
If all else fails, there’s always the “I’ve totally give up” elastic headband:
I’d have no quarrel with you if you were working on any of these simple hairdos in front of the mirror in the ladies’ restroom in our office building. These are all reasonably quick styles that shouldn’t take more than 10 minutes (maybe 15 for you because you have glorious Pocahontas hair), but instead of making the best of an undesirable situation, you’ve set up a station with your hair products all over one side of the already cramped two-person sink.
Let’s get to the real reason you and I have a problem: you were in the bathroom straightening your hair at a time when I really had to poo.
Yeah! The nerve of me. Imagine having the audacity to use a bathroom for its intended purpose!
When I opened the door to the restroom, I smelled only your burning hair. I know this odor is an unfortunate side effect of flat ironing, and I take no issue with enduring this scent at hair salons or in my own home, but of all the smells I could brace myself for in the office ladies room, burning hair is not one I’d normally anticipate whiffing.
Because you were in the restroom styling your hair, I didn’t feel comfortable doing what I came there to do. And you know why? I felt rude. Me! The rude one! Can you imagine? I felt as if I pooped four feet away from you in a stall, I may as well take a dump right on your freshly straightened hair. But I’m not the one who’s wrong here. It’s you. Your conduct was not appropriate for the public restroom. You may as well have set up a hot plate and made yourself an omelet right next to the tampon dispenser.
Do you know why we all perpetuate the stigma that public restrooms are gross? It’s to encourage everyone who uses one to do their business as quickly as possible and get the hell out so we all can avoid the reality of communal voiding. Our ancestors worked hard to keep people like you from thinking it’s acceptable to spend 30 minutes just hanging out, perfecting your mane, and shedding hair all over the sink we’re forced to share.
It’s bad enough that I might see the foreign urine someone neglected to flush away; must I be corrupted by the strands of your hair hanging from the faucet and cluttering the drain? If I were a different person, I’d collect all of your cast off DNA samples and clone you or order a bunch of genetic tests, and then when the lab uncovers some rare mutation (likely on the public restroom appropriateness gene), I wouldn’t tell you about it just to spite you.
Maybe I should have courtesy flushed and dropped a deuce with no consideration for your beauty regime, but that’s the difference between you and me. I’m a good person, whereas you’re Maleficient (and that’s not a compliment suggesting you look anything like Angelina Jolie).
Your actions affect other people, you know. Besides, I think you could totally rock the sock bun.
Sincerely,
Katie
(PS: No, I didn’t poop my pants, but it was a close call. I appreciate your concern.)
