Diaries Magazine

Always with Me.

By Agadd @ashleegadd

Dear baby,

I wanted to write you a letter today, to help me remember this feeling. It was a quiet day at home. The kind of day where I didn’t even leave the house, but spent hours working silently from the couch, comforted by the humming sound of the dishwasher. I used to be more of a social butterfly, but these days I find myself just wanting to be quiet. I like to get lost in my thoughts and let God’s peace overwhelm me in the calmness of a still house.

It’s fun working from home. I like being my own boss and having the flexibility to take a nap if I need it. On days like today, I am especially aware of your presence. I can feel you moving and kicking and I just wonder what you’re doing in there. I wonder what it feels like to be you. I like to think that you’re warm and cozy, and that every time I walk, I rock you to sleep. Sometimes I talk to you. I ask you what you want for lunch, which is really just another way for me to justify the extra cheetos on my plate. When you kick my side, sometimes I poke you back, to see if you’ll react.

On days like today, I love that you’re always with me. You’re safe and protected and sitting right underneath my beating heart, where yours is beating just as strong. I have two heartbeats in my body right now, and I can’t really explain what that feels like. It’s amazing, to say the least.

I know someday you’re going to resist my kisses and I’m going to embarrass you accidentally and you’ll say, “Mooooom, stop it!”

I know someday you’ll go off to college and move away from home.

I know someday you’ll meet a girl who will love you just as much as I do, and I’ll have to let you marry her.

But for now? Right now you’re always with me. Connected. Two hearts, one body. You’re my boy. My sweet, sweet boy. I can’t wait to love you forever.

Love, Momma

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