Destinations Magazine

Alien Abduction

By Landfall @landfallvoyages

Last week, I walked up to the Kiosko convenience store to get a couple things and as I rounded the corner, it was chaos. There were cases and cases of Cup-O-Noodles stacked head high, surrounded by confused looking young men, a beer truck, dogs, kids, four chefs, trash, a mop and a mop bucket, and three Tecate Girls all crowding a small corner. If you’re not familiar with Tecate Girls, they look a lot like Budweiser Girls, Coors Light Girls, Monster Energy Girls, Corona Girls, and so on. They’re 19, beautiful, tall, skinny, Spandexed, with very very high heels towering over your average Mexican. Hell, I tower over your average Mexican.

There was something about them. Not that–something else.

As I entered the store I sensed something unusual. The people were all acting strange and the inside was as chaotic as the outside. A faint buzzing was audible, at least to me. I don’t think that the others were able to perceive it. It was something akin to the sound of refrigerators, but with an evil cry that just barely touched my subconscious.

Scanning my surroundings I saw a 6 pack of Corona broken in the middle of the floor, a broom blocking an aisle, and more confused patrons. Two of the Tecate Girls had followed me in. I could feel their steely little eyes on my back. It started to occur to me what the problem was. Those Tecate Girls, well they weren’t really girls at all. THEY WERE ALIENS! They were here to begin their invasion of the planet Earth, starting in La Cruz De Huanacaxtle, Mexico, and these alleged Tecate Girls were the front line. THAT’s why everybody was so confused, ALIEN RAYS!

The chaos and the broken things were clearly because their Alien Rays were still in Beta and they hadn’t yet perfected the mind control of humans. If it’s the alien analog of Microsoft, they’ll never fix it, they’ll just release it and then offer half-hearted updates until they release their next pack of promises (lies?).

I threaded my way through the store, choosing items that would confuse the alien abductors. I thought that Fresca, Papas Locas, and cigarettes might baffle them enough that I could escape unscathed and without them discovering that I was wise to them. The Kiosko employees that I had grown familiar with seemed strange as well. The large lesbian one who hates me smiled at me. The cute little mom one who’s always been so friendly wasn’t so friendly today. In fact, the look in her eyes was dull, like you’d see in the eyes of one of the Stepford Wives. The shy young man one, always so reserved, was giddy. Obviously extra-terrestrial mind control was at work here.

The checkout line was a frazzled affair as well. Three guys ahead of me who appeared to be getting ready to go fishing were shuffling huge quantities of ice, beer, and cases of returnable beer bottles back and forth and yelling in Spanish. I couldn’t tell if they were acting weird, because power boaters are pretty strange to start with. As they finished filling a pickup truck half full of beer I was able to check out. During the transaction I could see the “Tecate Girls” still eyeing me and I knew that they were planning to make me their next victim!

Keeping a sideways glance on the invaders, I paid the cute mom and she handed me my receipt, accompanied by an uncharacteristic flurry of machinegun Spanish and a bit of pointing. Oh, shit! She was obviously corrupted by them and now she’d tagged me. She instructed me to hand the receipt (Alien Experiment Citation) to the shapeshifters outside.

Oh sure, you look real nice with your galactic high heels on, but I’ve got your number, Cthulhian queen. I’ll hand you the “receipt” anyway because I know that I can outrun your extraterrestrial ass in those shoes. As I approach the cunning one, another guy started to step up with his receipt and he was obviously as confused as the rest of the customers/ cattle. She tried to guide him to the Big Wheel of Winning (The Big Alien Wheel of Medical Experimentation), but he backed away and left me on the spot, flanked by the temptresses.

In a mix of Cthulhian and Spanish, the tall and secretly tentacled lovely one tried to convince me to spin the Big Wheel. I thought to run right then but decided instead to go through with the spinning part, just to throw them off. She chittered that if I landed the wheel on one Kiosko space (out of three spins), I get a Coke. Two Kioskos out of three meant a hamburger or a pizza. This was sounding good and I wondered if I could finish the burger before they started to flay me. She said that landing on three Kioskos meant something else that I couldn’t begin to understand. My Spanish is getting pretty decent but when it’s polluted by a transdimensional dialect, I have a hard time following.

I spun once. The wheel slowed and slowed and stopped on the Kiosko! I won a Coke!

I spun twice. The wheel slowed and slowed and stopped right past the Kiosko space. But wait! It slipped back a notch and I WON A PIZZA!

I spun a third time. the wheel went around and around. It slowed. It stopped. It stopped on a Kiosko! I WON I WON!

Wait, what did I win? Damnit, I wanted a pizza.

Two of the lovely Elder Ones in Tecate skin jumped for joy, all happy faces and bouncing girl bits, way up in the sky. Big smiles escorted me inside. Inside to the chamber of who-knows-what.

Lizard girl #3 grabbed me by the hand and pulled me towards a large bin full of ice. She was probably going to chill me to slow the bleeding while they dissected me. Quickly she pulled something out of the ice. It was a half dozen metallic cylinders. Huh?

The cylinders were disguised as Tecate Light beer. I won a 6 pack of alien Tecate Light. Wow. Do they really think that I’m falling for their tricks? I know that their fake beer is full of the equivalent of RFID tags so they can get me later.

Two of the jumping Tecate monsters (good looking monsters, though) whipped me around by the shoulders and put their arms around me. A tall guy with a cellphone pointed it at me and I figured that it was probably another attempt to capture my mind. I was distracted by one of the girls getting all up in my face and saying something in her slithery pidgin Spanish/Cthulhulian language that I didn’t understand. She started poking my cheeks with her tentacles and smiling. OK, I get it, she wanted me to smile, and at the same time the other one lifted the beer in my hand higher. I figured that it wouldn’t hurt to go out smiling, so I pasted a sickly smile on my face and the big guy with the little cellphone snapped a few pictures of me & beer before my torture began.

Somebody grabbed the beer and put it in a bag and the next thing I knew, I was outta there!

I realize now that I was wrong about a few things. Clearly, they weren’t trying to capture me at the Kiosko, they were relying on their alien RFID sitting in my gut and sending out signals so that their mother ship could beam me up later. Knowing this and not really being fond of light beer, I passed the six cold ones off to another boater in the marina. Hee hee, I hope he likes anal probes!

tecate2 Alien Abduction

Clearly, alien creatures…

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