Dear Clark,
I do things for others from the kindness of my heart, its not that I expect anything in return, I have always been a giving person.
This is most probably from an ego prospective…but I have been poorly recently, and my family have shared their views with me regarding the fact that my twin never seems to support me or see if im ok, they do not understand how someone who loves me is never there….its hard to explain to the people I love about the dynamics of the relationship without them thinking i am justifying or defending him.
My mother has told me that I deserve more than this, that Its almost as if I am still single and part of me feels that…I read your blog the other day about ‘not knowing who I am anymore’ and I completely resonated with what you wrote about lois and how she felt, it was as if I had wrote that.. however I cant run from him, I cant end the relationship…I cant hurt him because I would be hurting myself, and I know that there is a purpose for this . It seems once again we are on a separation period…there has been no ego triggers…all he has said is…that he’s angry and he doesn’t know why…I accept this, I never never wish to control him…that isn’t love to me. I dont chase him. Regarding the separation periods…will they ever end? I know I am such a beautiful person,although my ego gives me a battle about this sometimes. The one person I find it hard to communicate with is my twin…I think he finds it hard too so thats why we end up physically not being together. I know he doesn’t wish to hurt me and I dont want to hurt him either. Can you explain a little more about the addiction to abandonment part please?
Clark: As an infant my father seldom held me, he seldom even played with me or spoke with me, he stared at me for the most part. Never sharing what he was feeling or what he must have been thinking. As I grew 6 years later he stopped coming home not saying a word, nothing for my birthday, thanksgiving yet christmas he arrived.. Still very few words about what he was feeling was something I was unable to experience. As I continued to grow I was able to gravitate to the sadness and the depth of love my mother could feel yet had words that wanted to find a logic in it. As thinking became my way of existence I wasn’t able to clearly think, just feel. This gave my mind the permission as it were to abandon myself. Yes I said this correctly. As we abandon ourselves and what we feel, we now have found an off button to pain. A pain that we seek answers to. When the answers aren’t available, we will abandon ourselves, some will do so in acts of drinking, drugs, and I am sure you can imagine a few others. This state of being is a way of existing. You can’t be what you don’t have someone there to see them do it, so you find a path mind driven with a mind result. This leaves your feeling in a state of uncertainty.
I made my father not being in my life about him where in fact, in his existence it was not about me.. It was about him not having a father in his existence to show him how to be a father. It sounds like a simple fix but it becomes driven in the mind to place a lie inside of the place to become the addiction to repeat the suffering rather than embrace it to not know if it can be healed. Under this embracing in thinking is that it is going to end you, in a way the mind makes it to painful to endure the truth in needs more statements. This is when the addiction is created keeping you from the truth.
The truth about addiction is that it is covering up your pain.. It wants the root to be protected! Where the root is actually what can heal you if you stop thinking long enough to see what the truth wishes to show you.
As an identity to ego, suffering needs this as food.. In this case you are clearly asking for the ego to no longer be in place for him, his ability to give you something he has not experienced in energy is not his doing but rather his ego’s need for survival. For him to tell you that he doesn’t know what to say or that he says nothing is how he has food for suffering. You see this suffering as your own.. and in some ways it is, it has a familiar energy to it. The addiction to pain was created in this condition. Yes condition is the word, as if the condition wasn’t inside you both, it would not point to be broken to become unconditional.
His truth could be that he will leave you because in him within his very first unconditional love experience he was left without this as well. So doing it to you before you can do it to him is his suffering. It doesn’t have anything to do with you it was something he was placed here to change in purpose. Energy is not complicated only how we translate it inside the mind is that it becomes complex or complicated.
So as you try and make excuses for him realize it is only adding to his suffering as well as your own. The root is protected in ego and it in truth has nothing to do with running or chasing it has to do with not standing in your truth! Pain lives on it darkness it can’t survive in the light.. This is the only cure to addiction and abandonment!
Friend: I am stumped by what you have wrote, my father was very much the same towards me. last night it occurred to me that I was conditioned to believe that I was never going to amount to anything. This belief I have carried around with me, when things have become tough in my life…I would always have this horrible feeling raise up that I was always doing wrong and it would eat me up, to the point where I didn’t want to be here anymore. I would feel like a failure, what do i do with knowing this now? Clark is the healing process about changing our belief system…changing the way we think and seeing that we are in fact so much more than we think we are?
I am tired of this cycle of suffering, I am drained, if it wasn’t for my children being here I would happily sleep for days on end…I am not fearful of pain, how is it possible to see clearly when all I see is a haze in front of me, when my ego does this…i literally have to let it just be…cry if I must, scream from the inside if needs be… but I know the more I try to be a peace within…the further I am away from it…thats all id really like…peace..nothing more…
I have searched for this root that is embedded in me, so I can heal it..but i dont know where i am looking..or do i heal it by replacing it with the truth of that i am? And how do I go about doing that?
The truth my friend… You have been drawn to men who will repeat the energy one way or another of that as your father did. If you still have him in your life you can heal this by simply telling him what you would think inside and then let it go… This energy was the stream that you are in.. being in it requires you to be humble to accept that what we was and how he was had nothing to do with you at all… It is how forgiveness is calling to you.. as for what to do now.. NOW is the key.. This second.. this moment you are face to face with the now… The now is what keeps the past where it needs to be and the future just in this moment. This is when you see how beautiful you are without seeing the labels you can place on anything.. How the content of how others act means they are focus on time and the time bound ego to exist is suffering. You don’t have to suffer.. The end of suffering comes clearly in the now… Is your heart beating? Are your lungs filling with air.. are you able to focus on being inside you and loving unconditionally without any looking at what is out there… This is your truth. Look into your children’s eyes and then place your hand over their heart… feel their heartbeat and allow them to experience you feeling their heartbeat and ask them to feel yours… do you see the simplicity of being my friend…
How often do you drive somewhere and not pay attention to holding the steering wheel or the other cars coming and going around you? What about when you walk.. how your legs allow you to move and experience the motion itself. To much time spent on thinking about this or that is keeping you from the only thing you ever have… This moment! In this moment you are the MORE, you are this moment. No longer seek to find yourself in your mind.. You unlocked something very powerful in this seeing of your first relationship with a man.. That is healing and that is allowing yourself to be! The repeat behavior of what you have been was based on content that kept you from experiencing the love you can give in this moment not just to others but deeper to yourself… are you sure that the priority of thinking is not placed in the wrong bucket of life? This existence you have is how magical you are.. You are magic! You just have to feel it real time.. to realize there is no time, there is only now.. Once you give up time, you embrace all things in this moment… When was the last time you paid attention to all the energy going on in this moment? Don’t you see that the balance of doing so, now is now and it has been missed by thinking which causes regret, pain, suffering, etc….
The ego looks for a backdoor in the now.. it always will win, especially when suffering is all it can do to make you gravitate to it. What if you surrendered and asked your mind what now? It will be silent… It doesn’t know the now, it only knows past and future!
Deep breathing and awakening the kundalini mediation was what I went to… by kelly howell… listening to her with headphones… taught me how to breathe again… we forget that we are breathing because of the mind made you… isn’t it time for the soul to come forward? It is always breathing isn’t it time to sync with it?
Love Deeply,
Clark
