Hello! I dunno what was in that drink, but I swear I just saw that JoJo kid without a bow on her head.
We’ve come from the bowels of Hell in search of your small children…and their giant pink Gymboree hair accessories.
MyKid’sBetter!!! MyKid’sBetter!!! MyKid’sBetter!!! MyKid’sBetter!!! MyKid’sBetter!!! MyKid’sBetter!!!
Welcome, everyone. I’m Kevin Manno. And that Mom right there? Well, she’s just plain crazy.
Srsly. How many bows you think that little white girl owns? She looks like the damn gift wrap aisle at iParty. Lawd.
I don’t know how Asia’s Mom does it. I’ve only had these earring in for twenty minutes and I swear I already threw my back out. Let’s Go!
I don’t know what the f*** they put on my head, but Richy Jackson just gave me the finger so it’s all good in da hood.
Pfffftthhhhht.
“διορθώσετε τα πόδια σας…!”
Got it? Good. Because I’m getting tired of saying it over and over again.
Hopefully this time you’ll remember it.
For the rest of you loyal readers who don’t happen to live on Mt. Olympus or are simply too lazy to open the Google Translate screen…that was Greek for “Fix your Feet.”
Which could only mean one thing.
It was Mythology Week on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.
The week when the Sirens of Sickle Feet and the Heroes of High Kicks all come down (…or up, if some bad life choices have sentenced you to a slightly warmer eternity…) to our world and dance like their Joffrey Ballet scholarship depended on it.
As the ten remaining little dancers filed into the sparkly AUDC Glitterdome to stretch their stuff and hear about this week’s challenge, there was excitement in the air.
Nervous excitement. But it was still excitement at least.
Tiny broken bird Chloe had survived last week’s chopping block, thanks to BeDazzled Richy Jackson and his equally BeDazzled Call Back Card.
Believing that Chloe still had more to give, Richy had saved her from elimination at the last minute by whipping out an art project card so blindingly covered in hot glue and plastic crystals that it could be seen from the International Space Station.
With a flick of the wrist and a couple of Mama Angela‘s Halleloos, Chloe lived to dance another day!
Which meant that the gang was still intact as Abby Lee Miller and her seemingly endless supply of track suits arrived to explain how the whole Mythology thing was going to go down this week.
The Theme: Mythology. Der.
The Skill: Power.
The Challenge: The Ultimate Dance Battle. Gods against Gods. Siren against Siren.
And Sister against Sister as Maddie and Mackenzie Ziegler bounced into the room, all full of energy, spunk and orthodontics.
Dat’s rite. Dance Moms in the hizzle, yo.
Abby’s favorite dancer and her tagalong younger sibling proceeded to show all the star struck AUDC kids how they dance battle it out on a Pittsburgh playground.
Well, Maddie did anyway. MackaWhacka just kind of back flipped around a lot and watered down a few of Asia Monet Ray‘s booty pops.
(Gah. The body’s not even cold yet and everyone is already stealing all of Miss Oh Hey Monet Ray’s shiz. We miss you, Girlfriend.)
Naturally, Maddie won the battle. Because she wins everything.
Side note: It should probably be pointed out that young Ally had shown up for work rockin’ a seriously spiked sports bra that would totally get her kicked out of any airport or catholic school in a heartbeat. But I really like her, especially when Mom Tiffany stops talking about her biracial hair.
I also really liked how one of the Tyler/Travis TBoyz got all like “Dang Girl, You Fine” when Maddie started shakin’ what her Mama gave her.
Uh oh, Sheryl. Almost time for The Talk.
The battle was basically MTV Dance Crew for the pee wee set as they each went up against each other until only one remained standing.
We got to witness Travis and his swagger. And Tyler and his whatever the opposite of swagger is.
Dude. Not cool.
We also got to watch scaredy cat Haley dance around in a circle so awkwardly that Travis didn’t even have to do anything except stand there wondering if Maddie was checking him out. Is she looking? Is she looking?
Yeah. It’s fo sho. Hip Hop ain’t Haley’s thang, Dawg.
In the end, Ally’s nightclub hair and after-hours bra paid off and she won the battle!
Which was huge, because the prize was that she got to assign all the other dancers to their respective mythological routines. With help from Mom, of course, who used the big display board as more of a way to track which Mom she hated the most this week rather than actually setting kids up to fail.
Then everyone had a quick giggly Meet & Greet, minus the pizza, and then got down to rehearsals.
Chloe, Gianna and über smiley JoJo were given a Hades & The Lost Souls number, choreographed by Matt Cady. JoJo’s massive signature hair bow and polka dot mini-Cruella DeVille workout gear easily overshadowed the BackwardsHat BoyBand look Matt was going for, but he kept it together for the sake of the routine.
I’m pretty sure Honey Bow Bow Child also told me to go to Hell.
Since most Dance Moms like to drink during the day, Tiffany, Sheryl and crazy face/crazy haired Melanie snuck out to hit the salon and sucked down a few cocktails.
They got a quick mani/pedi and then Melanie called Tiffany a Bitch.
All in all, a pretty productive afternoon.
Back at the studio, Trinity, Travis and all that TravSwag were working on Medusa’s Tragic Romance, choreographed by Tessandra Chavez. I like Tessandra because she always looks like she’d cut you if you snatched her bowl of peanuts off the bar.
Part of the dance required Travis to wield a sword while attempting to catch Trinity on his back, who was diving on him at 50mph after a running start.
You can do the math, but I’m betting that all the swag in the world isn’t gonna help a kid who you know probably falls off the curb whenever he’s wearing his dance bag.
Love the TBoyz, but they need some protein powder in their juice boxes.
Down the hall, Haley and Kalani were strutting it to the Birth of a Goddess with the help of Anthony Burrel, who had somehow managed to stay at the same studio for three weeks in a row. Foo Fah Po Pah Pow!
(Please tell me you saw the Dance Moms episode with his Mama. Dat’s my Baby, Bitches. I would totally go to some dive bar with her and all her tattoos if she didn’t scare the poo poo pow out of me. For realz.)
I think these two girls were paired up because they wanted the Mom with the straightest hair to be teamed up with the Mom with the craziest hair, but I’m not sure. I really don’t pay enough attention to the rules.
Little Haley always looks so scared, even when she isn’t, so I really can’t tell anymore what she’s thinking unless she actually verbalizes it on camera. Plus, honestly, I was more concerned that Kalani’s Mom Kira continues to think she can take over Kristie Ray‘s Hot Mom of AUDC title.
Please don’t make me have this conversation every week for the next nine weeks, because it’s not gonna happen. Just stop. I mean it.
You can be runner-up in case Kristie can no longer fulfill her duties. But the crown stays in the case until Kristie blocks me on Twitter.
Last but not least, Ally and McKaylee were busy throwing Tyler all around the room like a Hacky Sack as they rehearsed their Sirens choreography.
Let’s just say that Tarua Hall gets it done. She don’t play, and probably wanted to slap The Quiet right onto Tiffany’s face as Mom rambled on and on about Ally’s lack of confidence. I swear you can literally watch Ally’s hair get bigger and more frazzled the longer her Mom nags.
Over in the MomLounge, which totally reminds me of a poor man’s version of that room where all the Celebrity Apprentice people used to sit and complain, everyone was busy sewing and smack talking about crazy Melanie and her daughter Haley’s crying fits.
So naturally, in walked Melanie. How they didn’t see all that hair coming down the hall ahead of her, I’ll never know.
And then the party started.
Melanie got up in Shari‘s face and went completely Oprah on everyone in the room.
My daughter’s better than your daughter. And your daughter. And your daughter. And your daughter. And your daughter. And your daughter. And your daughter. And the producer’s daughter. And the daughter of the guy who replaces the Poland Springs water cooler jugs every other Tuesday.
You ALL get a second rate daughter!
And how much do we love Gianna’s Mom Cindy, who just sat there slamming ‘em back while everyone else melted down? Because that’s how they do it in Philly. They just sit there and listen and take it and then slash your tires the second you run into Target with the baby.
Because she’s from Philly, you know.
Finally, it was Showtime! And time for Tiffany to start second guessing every choice she had made when choosing the groups.
Which made Kira crimp her hair and laugh about Karma. Oh, snap.
First up, Kalani and Haley did their thing and did fairly well, considering that Kalani was momentarily blinded by her own costume when it got stuck to her crown of spray painted leaves.
Next up, Ally and McKaylee threw Tyler around just like they did in rehearsal, but this time with more makeup and a lot of that metallic press-on stuff you use to make picture frames look like they’re solid gold.
And then the competition started. Let’s just call it what it was.
Travis unleashed swag all over the floor, caught Trinity without getting a Herculean hernia…and it was Game Over for the rest of the kids.
They nailed it. Standing Mt. Olympus O from the judges and the first finger wave of the season from Richy. Werk!
Sorry other kids…but if you leave now, you’ll beat traffic.
Honestly, JoJo, Chloe and Gianna could have come out next swinging lightsabers, riding Star Wars Tauntauns and lighting themselves on fire and the judges would still be looking at Travis and Trinity on their iPads. It almost wasn’t fair.
And don’t ask me what was going on with Richy’s tongue while the girls were running all over the stage. Get it in, or get it out. That’s always been my motto.
The three girls did a really great job, but they weren’t Travis and Trinity. And JoJo without a hair bow is almost spooky now that I’m used to her Whoville Christmas package headgear.
Unfortunately, little Chloe slipped on some residual TravSwag and took a face plant right at the end of the routine. Clean up, Coliseum 4.
Then there was nothing left to do but trim the herd.
After Melanie unleashed what I assumed was going to be her final crazy face of the week while finger flashing the stubs of her chewed off acrylics, the bottom votes ended up being cast for Chloe, Gianna and Kalani.
Philly was not liking it.
But then Chloe was sent home. No more Call Back Cards for the broken bird.
As Mama Angela and Chloe packed and headed for home, Melanie surprised us all with one more exceptionally crazy outburst by waving “Hi” to all her haters like someone might do when they look through the security bars of an asylum window.
Y’all come back now.
Or I’ll find you.
And then there were nine.
