Rapunzel, Rapunzel. Where you get dat crusty weave, Gurl? Oooooh…ya nasty.
Pffsshhh. Bitch, pleez. Pump yo’ brakes. I got this.
Lemme just say that Booty was the 8th dwarf. Hey, Ho…it’s off to Twerk you go.
I don’t know what f***d up Disneyland ride they rode to find all these cartoons.
Lawd. I swear if Flashdance tries to snatch my crown again, I’m gonna poke her eyes out.
Try doing a ballet turn in flip flops and then we’ll talk about who’s a freakin’ rockstar, honey.
Imma ’bout THIS close to turning around and bitch slapping that girl who’s sleeping behind me. F’realz.
Grab a cocktail and a valium, kids, because it’s time for your bedtime story.
It’s a quickie. But trust me when I tell you that this one is guaranteed to make you sleep with the lights on until you learn how to shave.
Once upon a time, far far away, there was an Evil Queen named Abby Lee Miller who lived in the Land of The Dance Moms.
She was big and sparkly and struck fear in the heart of any child with a turned in foot.
One day, armed with only a Joffrey Ballet scholarship and three giant suitcases full of coordinated neon accessory bling, the Evil Queen suddenly disappeared from her Pittsburgh Palace and magically flew to Hollywood in search of some West Koast Krazy.
And she found it.
The End.
That’s right. Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition took on Fairy Tales this week.
Fairy Tales with a Twist.
Actually more of a Turn, I guess, if you’re a stickler for the rules.
After breaking up the twin set and shipping one of the TBoyz home last week, Abby was back to put the Grim in your favorite Grimm’s story books.
Which was just fine with Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo, who proudly announced that she was already a bonafied princess and had it all under control. Der.
Newsflash. Apparently, bows are the new crowns. Who knew?
Two minutes into the show and I was already hoping somebody would give that kid a bite of the apple that makes you fall asleep for a hundred years.
Not gonna lie. Part of me is learning to like JoJo…but shaddup already.
As the remaining seven Joffrey hopefuls filed in for this week’s challenge, they were met by Abby and her magic fairy wand. Because Abby loves her props.
The herd was thinning, so all the tiny dancers and all their not so tiny Moms were already starting to crack under pressure before they even knew what was going on this week. Mom Tiffany wanted to know why Abby always picked on her kid Ally and WhatDaHell was up with all this fairy tale crap while poor little Travis wandered aimlessly in a circle trying to work through his separation anxiety.
They never really addressed whether TBoy Tyler was back home with Dad or still sitting outside in the van waiting for his brother to get cut, but either way Travis was definitely missing half of his Super Power Activation Ring.
The theme: Modernized Fairy Tales.
Not like your freshman year in college when all the girls hooch up every classic cartoon character with a mini dress and call it a costume. Bibbidi Bobbidi Boob, right?
The skill: Turns.
This week’s guest was Lesley Bandy, who I am going to assume is a pretty big deal when it comes to Turns. I’m too lazy to Google it, but you could tell as soon as she came through the SparkleWall that Miss Bandy had a background in ballet and always sits with perfect posture even when she’s watching the Super Bowl.
She had that short, spiky, artsy hair and those penciled-in eyebrows that everyone who has season tickets to the Symphony always seem to have, so I liked her right away.
She’d totally hate the way I slouch on the couch when I’m writing this blog, but I liked her anyway as she got all Nutcracker on the kiddos.
After putting everyone through a quick rehearsal, Lesley ergonomically sat herself down behind the judges’ table and watched the challenge unfold.
Since I can’t back dat thang up in the klub without getting nauseous, watching all those kids spin in a circle for ten minutes was my own personal challenge. But I did it.
And in the end, teacher’s pet Kalani ended up being the dizziest and won the contest by default. Her prize was a private one-on-one Meet And Greet with Abby, where she would get some pointers on her technique and something cool to post on Instagram.
As everyone evacuated the dance floor to begin rehearsals, Abby snagged TBoyz Mama Sheryl and laid into her for last week’s elimination. The one where Travis punk’d everyone and made them think he was going home with his brother when he really wasn’t going anywhere.
I’m sure the argument would have gone on longer if Abby hadn’t suddenly realized that Sheryl was gnawing on gum the whole time and made her spit a wad of chew into her hand like they do when the TSA catches someone trying to orally sneak drugs onto a plane. Open wide, Ma’am, so I can take a quick look in there if you don’t mind.
Except that the lady working the Delta checkpoint probably doesn’t stick anything that comes out of your own mouth right back onto your nose like Abby did with Sheryl’s gum.
Gross. That’s why you should just swallow it and let it sit in your belly for 7 years.
Because it does, you know. Seven whole years. I heard it on the playground.
So it’s gospel.
After smearing a wad of Dubble Bubble on Sheryl’s perky snout, Abby headed off for her private lesson with Kalani.
Note to Mom Kira: When your daughter wins a prize that involves quality bonding time with Abby Lee Miller, that’s probably not when you want to mention that you have a life outside your kid and are basically phoning in your Dance Moms duties. Just saying.
Down the hall, Trinity and Ally were working on their Evil Stepmother routine with Tessandra Chavez.
All I’m going to say is that Ally’s Mom was wearing booty shorts and glitter stilettos like it was Take Your Mom To Work Day at Hooters. Really. So there was that.
Next door, Travis and Kalani were fine tuning their Ice Prince & Snow Queen choreography with Peter Chu.
Watching poor Travis try to hoist Kalani up onto his shoulders without the use of his now defunct TwinPowers was a little nerve wracking for all involved, but he was giving it his best Clark Kent effort. The fact that Kalani seemd to have grown six inches since last week’s elimination probably wasn’t helping matters either.
Across the hall, Pinocchio was back.
Not the Dance Moms Pinocchio when they hazed poor Zack Torres and made him wear those micro puppet shorts that showed off all his marionette wood.
Not that one, thankfully.
This time it was Giaaaaanna and McKaylee, who were strung up to a life-sized MacBook Pro in Matt Cady‘s edgy interpretation of how kids nowadays are chained to their technology. Did I already mention ‘edgy?’
Personally, I think the routine should have just been an obnoxiously oblivious tweeny bopper in Ugg boots bumping into someone on the sidewalk while texting her BFF and then going off on me like it was my fault she wasn’t paying attention.
It’s freakin’ 10am. You should be in school right now, not eating Burger King. Bitch.
But I digress.
Giaaaaanna was getting all tangled up in her Geppetto bungee cords, which in turn got Mom Cindy just twisted enough that she had to interrupt the rehearsal to point out to all involved that her daughter was not gettin’ it. At all. She was messin’ it up big time.
She’s from Philly, you know.
Right as Giaaaaanna was about to wrap the cord around her Mom’s thick hoagie of a neck a few times, she realized that the cameras were still rolling and decided it wasn’t worth going to prison over.
This time, anyway.
The only solo of the week had been given to Princess Siwa. JoJo was going to be channeling her inner Rapunzel, courtesy of studio hip hopper Anthony Burrell. It was gonna be Fierce. And kind of heavy.
Forty pounds of blonde weave and 200 bobby pins later, JoJo was whipping her hair like Willow Smith. If Lifetime hadn’t been so cheap and had paid for the rights to use her song instead of that karaoke version of I Like My Hair Like This that was coming out of the iPod, I mean.
Spoiler Alert: JoJo dyes her hair. I swear. Like the Big Girls.
We even got to see her getting her hair did down at the Bungalow House O’ Curls as Mom Jessalynn stirred up a quick bowl of root touch-up at the dining room table. Turns out JoJo’s been bleaching her hair since she was in the womb (…don’t wanna know…) and she needed a little sumthin sumthin before Competition Day because they deduct points if your tracks don’t match the real stuff.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Gah. I wish I didn’t like host Kevin Manno so much, because I really wanna lay into him for some of this season’s fashion choices.
Dude. Seriously. What happened to the Manno Boy Band? Yikes.
Luckily, Richy Jackson‘s BeDazzled Toddlers & Tiaras crown was even more eye catching than Kevin’s red clown tie, so my eyes were magnetically drawn to the judges’ table for most of the remainder of the episode.
The epaulets were a nice finishing touch, as well. Straight up yanked from the window Gone With The Wind curtain tassels. Love me some Richy.
And Rachelle was totz jealz. You could tell.
Abby was still wearing a Poison Ivy headpiece from Batman Day at Comic Con, so I don’t know what the h*** she was thinking. But it was Showtime, nonetheless.
JoJo tried her best to get her Rapunzel on. And it was pretty Fierce, as far as the booty popping FierceScale goes. But honestly, she would have been better off just bobby pinning Asia Monet Ray to her head instead of trying to mimic all of Miss SassyPants’ moves. There’s only one Asia, thank you.
Plus, Asia probably weighs less than all that synthetic weave, so it would have been a win/win for all involved. Miss you, Girlfriend!
Despite the fact that she plagiarized Asia a few hundred times, Richy gave JoJo the finger and Rachelle kinda half stood up again like Bruno from Dancing With The Stars. I swear she was just so jealous of Richy’s crown that she kept standing up so we could all see her boobs. But I can’t really be certain.
Boom Boom Pow. Work it. Want It. Own It. Yes, they’re real. And they’re awesome.
Ally and Trinity were next and…umm…not so much. I think Cinderella is still gonna be the belle of that ball. Sorry, kids.
They tried their best, but it wasn’t happening.
Travis managed to get Kalani up in the air without snapping his spine, but unfortunately the two of them never meshed on stage.
But it didn’t really matter, because some random guy in the audience did THE best up and down clapping hand jive that I’ve ever seen and it made all their goobers seem not so bad. Please tell me you saw the guy. It was like…just whoa.
Two Snaps and a big circular Whoa.
And as if that wasn’t enough, Kalani danced in bare feet. Which Abby loved. And which Abby pointed out for the world to see. Because that is how an Abby Lee dancer turns it out!
And then all the Moms back in the Green Room threw water bottles at the monitor.
Boo! Haterz gonna hate, I guess.
Giaaaaanna and McKaylee rounded out the competition with their prima donna Pinocchio moves and probably should have cut their own strings earlier in the game.
It just wasn’t happening and the judges were all over them in the critiques.
Honestly, my biggest concern was the Crazy Bus Lady red circle cheek blush that somebody smeared all over their faces, but Abby & Co. found other things to pick on.
And then the Filly from Philly got all wound up again and went a few more rounds with her daughter. They’re actually both from Philly, you know
The Bottom Two ended up being Ally an Giaaaaanna. The Bottom Three if you count Mom Cindy, who wouldn’t shut up the entire time she was on stage.
I guarantee you that every child in America could feel Giaaaaanna’s pain as Mom rambled on and on about everything from giving 100% on the dance floor to why news about the government shutdown kept interrupting her stories in the afternoon.
Mom. Shut. Up. I’m serious. Just. Shut. Up.
In the end, Rachelle refused to use her CallBack Card, so that meant that Ally, her crazy hair and her even crazier Mom were all sent home. I’m gonna miss Ally.
And then there were only six left in the Land of AUDC.
But don’t you worry. They all lived Faaaaaabulously Ever After.
The End.
